Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

It's a set up!

Today, my brother had texted me, asking, "Why did you take Mom's chocolate? That's pathetic." I proceeded to swear on my own life that I didn't, but directly after that he sent me a picture of the wrapper in my room. FML

Gotta have it

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

Another resolution bites the dust

Today, I was extremely tired, so when I decided I wanted a snack, I went to the corner of the kitchen where the chocolate is, opened the garbage bin, and reached inside. FML

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

Bad liar

Today, I brought a huge chocolate bar to work, left it in the break room, and came back to find it gone. Later, I saw a coworker with chocolate all over his face and fingers. I asked him if he took it, and he said, in almost offended tone, “What? No, that’s mine.” FML

Candy Andy

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML