Try Again

Today, I found out that my family has paid for and booked a trip to Dubai without me. They weren't going to tell me until they were about to board but since I was crying that my friend ditched me for my holiday, they thought they would let me know. FML

Family values

Relationships sink

Thanks for the miracle

By Familyreject - South Africa - Johannesburg

2275

236

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

By obese_chicken - Australia

44904

8286

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

By PISSED OFF - Australia

13753

47539

Today, I walked into the ladies restroom and was shocked to see the guy I've had a huge crush on for two years. Peeing. In the sink. FML

By Anonymous - United States

60546

5466

Today, I was accidentally tagged in a photo of a group of people by a 'friend' on Facebook. She later corrected it, apparently everyone had already seen the tag and decided that the comment box below was a great opportunity to discuss how none of them would ever be caught dead hanging out with me. FML

By Coolkid. - United States

51545

3902

Today, I was in the romantic section of a book store making fun of the titles. Thinking my friend was behind me, I read in a sexy voice, “Sleeping with a Stranger” and turned to laugh only to find the 70-year-old store manager smiling and winking at me. FML

By Sariitaa_fml

3762

1459

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

By blabla - Brazil

20237

12943

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

By farmingman - United States

10920

25273

Today, my mother called me, telling me how disappointed she was at how I let my room "become such a pigsty." I haven't lived there in three years. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Southlake

32305

2303

Today, I came back from a 700-mile round trip. I hit a massive pothole I couldn't avoid and blew out a tire and bent my rim. I was less than a mile from my house. FML

By Kaluhaluha

2534

211

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37581

6914

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

By Anonymous - Finland

5041

2232

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

44069

5011

Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML

By Georgia

40470

6026

Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML

By badass - United States

43307

18318

Today, my girlfriend and I were laying in bed. She rolled over and began rubbing my chest. She then said, "Wow babe those are a solid B-cup." FML

By Chipper

2575

849

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

By Doubleyew1 - United States

34325

4865

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

By yuen - Australia

37472

4720

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

By N - United States - Glenwood Springs

14480

1095

Today, I was at the mall and I noticed this guy staring at me from across the food court. He smiled and waved at me so I walked over there and tried to talk to him. He was looking at his girlfriend the whole time. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

21433

5043

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

By rog3rli - United States

23945

12653

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

By Anonymous - United States

34236

5304

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to explain why we got the parts we did. He said he tried matching our characters to who we actually are. I play a whore who's a transvestite. FML

By InsideActress - Canada

70737

6628

Today, I was bored. Some people would've called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I've spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I'm not sure what's worse, that I got really into it, or that I've spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML

By Mik - United States

17095

32081

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

By whirlednews - United States

21183

1789

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and said, "I don't shake hands with whores." FML

By Jes_jes18 - United States

66778

7662

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

By El Jeffe - United States - Salt Lake City

12832

4364

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

By Savannah - United States

39968

2916

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

By Anonymous - United States

40226

3455

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

By charmed

14172

1897

Today, as always, I had to have my dad help me with my computer issues. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? FML

By reese - 11/6/2020 05:03

The arrogance of youth

901

507

Today, my toddler shat on her carpet again. She also decided to play in it. This is the third time in a month. She's fully potty trained, and thinks it’s funny. FML

By QueenCortana Tiffany Turner

1504

284

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

By I wish it was gum

4890

645

Today, I went to buy my prom dress. I felt really good as I walked out of the dressing room, until someone walked out of the room next to me wearing the same dress, and looked better in it than I did. It was a man buying it for his drag show. FML

By draggirl - United Kingdom

35449

4328

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

By French - Australia - Saint Kilda

44623

4664

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

By ihavepinkbackpac - United States

81632

802591

Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

By iamgermantoo - Canada - Ottawa

6308

397

Today, I was chatting with a cute guy on Omegle. He seemed really friendly and interested after I had showed him a picture of me. When I mentioned that I play music, he seemed even more interested, so I gave him the link to my music Myspace. I waited patiently. He disconnected. FML

By Anonymous - United States

11546

26005

Today, I got a check for $100 for a random selecting at work. My boyfriend’s reaction? Light it on fire out of jealously. FML

By Anonymous

4898

446

Today, I finally went to Home Depot to buy a chainsaw to cut down the tree leaning dangerously over my garage. When I got home, I found the tree had fallen and taken out the roof while I was shopping. FML

By ragsy - United States

47189

8258