Try Again

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

Out of it

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Minefield

By dl - 12/4/2012 02:54 - Canada - Calgary

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Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

By user210 - 26/3/2012 03:05 - United States

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Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML

By fuuuuuh - 20/7/2012 05:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

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Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 23:19 - Canada - Surrey

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Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

By crazychick - 19/8/2009 16:40 - Canada

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Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 10:51 - Canada - Vancouver

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Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

By JillianJuneBug - 4/2/2017 00:00 - United States - Elmira

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1403

Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML

By lamortdeshommes - 28/6/2011 17:03 - United States

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Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 08:31 - United States

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Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2018 15:33

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Today, I was hanging out with a friend out of state. He had some friends with him and we were all having a great time, until they found out I live in Utah. They instantly assumed I was Mormon and started to act weird around me. This is a frequent occurrence. FML

By Poppleton99 - 11/2/2016 06:06 - United States - Cedar City

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1958

Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

By corn - 3/6/2011 01:44 - United Kingdom

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Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

By AUDONEE - 10/2/2010 06:39 - United States

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Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 14:59 - Australia

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Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

By RuasaLove - 30/7/2015 02:34 - United States - Pleasantville

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Today, my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she responded, "You were the other guy". FML

By blaise - 13/4/2009 17:39 - United States

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Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2014 07:34 - United States - Ewa Beach

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Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 01:28 - United States

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Today, my granny had the phone on loudspeaker, talking to a friend. When the conversation turned from the price of potatoes to ticks in hard-to-reach places, I fleed into the garden. First thing granny tells me once I’m back: The details of how that tick was all the way up in her friend’s husband’s crotch. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 02:02

TMI

1177

122

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 20:49 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 17:39 - United States

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Today, I brought home my 3D glasses after a movie. I had a laugh about it until I realized that I put my $100 sunglasses in the recycle box outside of the theatre instead. FML

By BobRyder - 10/4/2014 20:52 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

By hatesmellyfeet - 20/1/2010 13:47 - United States

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Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML

By random - 6/5/2009 08:57 - United States

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Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M and M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

By Username - 8/2/2011 16:57 - United States

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Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

By FMLer - 27/5/2011 20:57 - United States

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Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

By anonymous - 1/10/2011 14:18 - United States

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Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

By Backinzi - 30/7/2011 23:58 - United States

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Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

By IamTheSalt - 25/4/2017 02:00

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Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

By mariama - 23/1/2013 17:45 - United States

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Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

By DamnHippieSoap - 29/8/2018 17:30 - United States - Estero

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Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a make-shift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 05:08

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Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

By Pissy - 23/5/2019 06:05

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Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 21:23 - United States - Annandale

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Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

By copper - 30/1/2011 02:20 - United States

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Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 18:08 - Russian Federation - Moscow

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Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML

By MaryJane - 7/8/2019 02:00

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Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

By jake - 13/9/2011 20:13 - United States

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Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

By foreseeingabreakup - 6/9/2011 04:42 - United States

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Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 06:19 - United States - Avon

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