Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing...

By Anonymous - United States - Lindale

Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "new pirate" in the office. FML

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Work

Commando

Higher standards

Mind your own beeswax

By franky - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

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43700

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By kherien - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By ouch - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

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By toolateabuckshort

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3235

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By kenken5

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

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2164

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By Anonymous - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

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By stupidbullcrêpe - Brazil - Santos

Today, my pregnant wife broke down in tears over the fact that since moving to Brazil for my job, we don't have regular access to macaroni and cheese. FML

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27030

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By Noname - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

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27171

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, I saw on my 17-year-old daughter's floor her "To-Do" list. What was #1? Jump in front of a moving vehicle, in hopes that Edward Cullen will use his vampire speed to save her. FML

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34879

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By Phobic_fml

Today, I saw the engagement announcement for the girl I've been in love with for 10 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Falls

Today, I walked into the bathroom only to see my boyfriend sitting on the floor eating ice cream, crying. I'd say I was shocked, but this isn't the first time it's happened. FML

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By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

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By Tyler - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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By random person - United States

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe;)." and "Shit wrong person." to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

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19477

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By clumsyandpoor - United States - Watertown

Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML

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39567

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By Sardine - United States

Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

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9411

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Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML

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By Mondo - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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By riptoofie - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car. I'm terrified of spiders, so I was watching it instead the road. When I looked back at the road, I had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree. Even the cop laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

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By shittyemployee

Today, I rushed to work after a night of drinking and partying, and put my hair up on my way in. People started worriedly asking what happened to my head, so I looked in the mirror. I had scratches and a welt on my forehead from hitting the wall during sex last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my neighbors. Their 5 year-old had finally fallen asleep at 11 after two hours of stories and songs. No sooner had I tip toed out of the room did I realize that my cell phone had dropped out of my pocket onto the bed. It was ringing. It was their mother checking in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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By howrude - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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41519

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By Unknown - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

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10666

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By hatemylife - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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By day001313 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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By amandanoelle - United States - Hot Springs National Park

Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

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By Anonymous - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML

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By Just me - United States

Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML

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26546

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By americanized - Denmark

Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

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By Bunsostriker - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

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31483

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By Lucachoo - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML

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25258

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By Anonymous

No feeling - Just conversation

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

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By myl1f3isfuct - United States

Today, my college English teacher told me if I wanted an explanation for my grade I would have to schedule a conference to come to her office. It's an online class. I took an online class because I can't come in. FML

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Top comments

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261794 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Arghhhhh

By LaColombianita | 26

#4261815 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

That sounds very painful! But pirate isn't that bad of a nickname.. At least they didn't call you cyclops or something like that lol.

COMMENTS

By asselhoff | 5

#4261789 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:04

First and lol

The_Hitdude | 12

#4262208 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:29

#1 That's probably the sound she made when she got the superglue in her eye! Don't you love irony?

The_Hitdude | 12

#4262210 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:31

#1 That's probably the sound he made when she got superglue in her eye! Don't you just love irony?

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261794 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Arghhhhh

Miss_Kristen | 10

#4261847 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

I bet the old pirate is so happy to have you in the office now!

iliketofu | 6

#4261928 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:28

I really hope you're a girl.

waresjake | 3

#4261952 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:33

Argh, I still love Yee OP

j_cat187 | 19

#4261955 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:33

Yo ho a pirate tis thee,
You are a pirate!!

shanemaximo | 7

#4262138 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:01

The boss was probably impressed seeing what length you go to in order to really sell an excuse for being late.

Wederoney | 16

#4263301 - Thursday 5 April 2012 19:33

Yohoho and a bottle of rum!

RochelleRedvines | 8

#4264122 - Thursday 5 April 2012 23:33

I wish I had an excuse to wear an eyepatch.

mockingjaygirl16 | 8

#4265046 - Friday 6 April 2012 4:54

Oww!!!! that sounds really painful.

By LunaDragon | 10

#4261798 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

That's badass, I wish I could be pirate!

LolUnlucky | 12

#4262145 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:03

Put superglue in your eye :)

TorturedXeno | 27

#4263214 - Thursday 5 April 2012 18:45

Something good comes out of something bad.

By LaColombianita | 26

#4261815 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

That sounds very painful! But pirate isn't that bad of a nickname.. At least they didn't call you cyclops or something like that lol.

By Jkolbly | 11

#4261819 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:09

For some reason this makes me think of spongebob.......

on_the_flip_side | 0

#4276351 - Sunday 8 April 2012 18:19

Me too!!

By skygirl_01 | 5

#4261821 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:09

at least you're popular at your new job already? :)

babe7260 | 30

#4261997 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:45

No shit

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4263964 - Thursday 5 April 2012 22:31

False poop.

By kakarot2 | 11

#4261842 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:12

EYE!!!!!!!

By DirtyMike911 | 0

#4261843 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

I come to plunder all yer booty!

Torva_fml | 16

#4262723 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:57

Just thought of buttsexpirate, lol. :)

By littlem91 | 29

#4261869 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:16

This has to be made up, how would you get the glue in your eye of all places? Fingers yes, eye no.

dbt88 | 15

#4261875 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:17

I wondered too. Sucks anyway but still wondering.

littlem91 | 29

#4261899 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:23

To reword my moderated comment, I was wondering how somebody would get Superglue in their eye, as fingers seems normal, eye less so.

j_cat187 | 19

#4261964 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:35

Dude what did you say?

By wittygirl | 8

#4261877 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:17

You know you were late. Technically they can fire people for tardiness, at least that didn't happen. I'd prefer the eye issues and a nickname then no job.

Senseless_487 | 29

#4261950 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:32

Most employers give some consideration for extenuating circumstances, and I think this one qualifies.