Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing...

By Anonymous - 5/4/2012 01:41 - United States - Lindale

Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "new pirate" in the office. FML

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Work

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Night terrors

By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, I thought I saw a snake while I was watering. I got my son to check it out and he agreed too. I was nervous so I called animal control, and they said it would cost $50 just for them to come out, I agreed. It ends up I paid $50 for them to pick up an old diamond weave farmer's hat. FML

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By URGH - 28/6/2009 22:08 - Canada

Today, my friend and I were in her moms car talking about which job was harder: actor or artist. I said, "Art is easy. You just scribble on a piece of paper and call it abstract art." Her mom squinted at me in the rearview mirror and my friend stopped talking. Then she said, "My mom is an artist." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:52 - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

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By singlemam - 15/3/2016 01:51 - United States - Akron

Today, while at the park, my 3 year-old ran up to a lady, grabbed her chest and loudly asked, "Are these your breasts? Are they private on you too?" FML

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By Jan - 18/10/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML

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By strangely - 25/7/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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By Fattymuch - 14/9/2011 14:27 - India

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

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By Syrinth - 21/7/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By pyrosythan - 20/7/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's dad chased me with a baseball bat because he found a pair of my boxers in her room. They were not there because I left them there, they were there because she stole them. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

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By anonymous - 16/7/2011 13:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset so I politely asked where is bathroom was so I could "powder my nose". After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML

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By Jackie - 18/9/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I finally told my fiancé about the crippling sexual abuse I suffered through as a child. He immediately broke off the wedding. His reason? He can't marry someone who isn't "pure". FML

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By spougeineye1 - 3/4/2012 16:37 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 09:32 - India

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML

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By MrMagicMan000 - 25/8/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

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By sleepy - 15/10/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

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By shitberries - 25/12/2015 16:00 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I tried dying my hair blonde. I put my hair in a bun and waited for it to dye. I guess I did something wrong, because my hair is now 4 different shades of blonde/orange, along with patches of my natural black hair. FML

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By carless - 29/10/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 06:29 - United States

Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML

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By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

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By June - 19/5/2009 21:51 - Canada

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

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By puppielover - 21/8/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By pappy - 3/5/2019 13:00 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my friend asked me if I flirted with any girls during our shift. I said, "No, not any I could think of." He then told me there was a note on my windshield that said, "Call me" with a phone number on it. After my shift, I went to my car excited and read the note. It was just a penis. FML

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By Yum - 3/12/2008 07:26 - France

Today, I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. FML

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By Anon - 29/1/2019 02:00

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

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By kikinemo - 16/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

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By Jacobro - 26/1/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

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By bakedplum - 1/11/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

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By Wheresthebeefz - 1/2/2011 02:46 - United States

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

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By ADD - 11/2/2009 14:59 - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By Username - 8/2/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M and M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

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By hannahg - 24/3/2014 00:44 - United States - Romulus

Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML

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By Eminnis - 31/8/2015 03:27 - United States - Woodland Park

Today, I walked in on my dad completely naked. When I expressed my displeasure, he told me to knock next time. I'd agree with him, if he hadn't been standing in the middle of the hallway in our very open living room. FML

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By Forever alone - 1/5/2015 14:24 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah, probably by your mom." The sad thing is, they were right. FML

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By - 14/1/2017 08:00

Today, I have peace of mind that I am not pregnant, thanks to my IUD. It's not because of the effectiveness of the contraceptive, but my inability to touch my boyfriend. I haven't stopped bleeding since my doctor installed it 3 weeks ago. FML

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By scumdresser - 29/9/2012 20:34 - United States - Pittsford

Today, an incredibly rude woman came in for a hairdressing appointment. I had to put up with being yelled at and called a "clumsy bitch," a "pleb," and other insults for almost half an hour. When I finally managed to finish her hair, instead of tipping me, she spat at my feet and stormed out. FML

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By pokeloser - 24/6/2019 07:04

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

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By Arcam - 13/9/2012 17:25 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I had my first accident in 5 years of driving. I clipped a Ford Fiesta, mirror to mirror. His mirror is totally destroyed. Mine is fine. I was so stressed afterwards that I reversed straight into another car. FML

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By idiot says "you raised him" - 31/5/2014 21:30 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

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Top comments

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261794 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Arghhhhh

By LaColombianita | 26

#4261815 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

That sounds very painful! But pirate isn't that bad of a nickname.. At least they didn't call you cyclops or something like that lol.

COMMENTS

By asselhoff | 5

#4261789 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:04

First and lol

The_Hitdude | 12

#4262208 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:29

#1 That's probably the sound she made when she got the superglue in her eye! Don't you love irony?

The_Hitdude | 12

#4262210 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:31

#1 That's probably the sound he made when she got superglue in her eye! Don't you just love irony?

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261794 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Arghhhhh

Miss_Kristen | 10

#4261847 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

I bet the old pirate is so happy to have you in the office now!

iliketofu | 6

#4261928 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:28

I really hope you're a girl.

waresjake | 3

#4261952 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:33

Argh, I still love Yee OP

j_cat187 | 19

#4261955 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:33

Yo ho a pirate tis thee,
You are a pirate!!

shanemaximo | 7

#4262138 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:01

The boss was probably impressed seeing what length you go to in order to really sell an excuse for being late.

Wederoney | 16

#4263301 - Thursday 5 April 2012 19:33

Yohoho and a bottle of rum!

RochelleRedvines | 8

#4264122 - Thursday 5 April 2012 23:33

I wish I had an excuse to wear an eyepatch.

mockingjaygirl16 | 8

#4265046 - Friday 6 April 2012 4:54

Oww!!!! that sounds really painful.

By LunaDragon | 10

#4261798 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

That's badass, I wish I could be pirate!

LolUnlucky | 12

#4262145 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:03

Put superglue in your eye :)

TorturedXeno | 27

#4263214 - Thursday 5 April 2012 18:45

Something good comes out of something bad.

By LaColombianita | 26

#4261815 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

That sounds very painful! But pirate isn't that bad of a nickname.. At least they didn't call you cyclops or something like that lol.

By Jkolbly | 11

#4261819 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:09

For some reason this makes me think of spongebob.......

on_the_flip_side | 0

#4276351 - Sunday 8 April 2012 18:19

Me too!!

By skygirl_01 | 5

#4261821 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:09

at least you're popular at your new job already? :)

babe7260 | 30

#4261997 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:45

No shit

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4263964 - Thursday 5 April 2012 22:31

False poop.

By kakarot2 | 11

#4261842 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:12

EYE!!!!!!!

By DirtyMike911 | 0

#4261843 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

I come to plunder all yer booty!

Torva_fml | 16

#4262723 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:57

Just thought of buttsexpirate, lol. :)

By littlem91 | 29

#4261869 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:16

This has to be made up, how would you get the glue in your eye of all places? Fingers yes, eye no.

dbt88 | 15

#4261875 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:17

I wondered too. Sucks anyway but still wondering.

littlem91 | 29

#4261899 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:23

To reword my moderated comment, I was wondering how somebody would get Superglue in their eye, as fingers seems normal, eye less so.

j_cat187 | 19

#4261964 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:35

Dude what did you say?

By wittygirl | 8

#4261877 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:17

You know you were late. Technically they can fire people for tardiness, at least that didn't happen. I'd prefer the eye issues and a nickname then no job.

Senseless_487 | 29

#4261950 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:32

Most employers give some consideration for extenuating circumstances, and I think this one qualifies.