Work: Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing...

By Anonymous - United States - Lindale

Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "new pirate" in the office. FML

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Work

Proactive

Our house, in the middle of our street

Trans women are women

By Beaky - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

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By LockedOut - United States

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs in the door. FML

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By Welpthatwasfast

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML

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By ladyhavery - United States

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 14:09

Get off my lawn!

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

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By swimmonster81

Today, my mother told me how she managed to afford all of the expensive Christmas presents we got. She took out extra money when applying for my student loans. FML

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By sydysyd - United States

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By Bonapp - France

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

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By ouchmytits - United States

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

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By hatesgravity - United States

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

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By (///▽///) - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, when my boyfriend came to bed, I rolled over and watched as he used his pinky to clean out both nostrils, then eat it what he found. He’s almost 25. FML

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By nobodywasthere

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Ripollet

Absolute beginners

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to make love for the first time. The moment my bra came off, he started hyperventilating to the point of blacking out. So much for that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Paignton

Asshat

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By Bye Bye Toast

Today, I came home from a funeral to find that my mother had cleaned my house. She thought it would be a good idea to put my toaster in the dishwasher to clean it. My toaster is fried, and she thinks everything's fine. FML

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By parenting fail - 20/9/2020 11:01 - United States

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML

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By Markeesha - United States - Eaton

What happens in Vegas doesn't stay there?

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

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By grrrr - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

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By Oblivious - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

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By whoops

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

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By MedStudent90 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son got in trouble at school. The kids had to solve a problem by determining whether it was better for "Edna" to repair or replace her AC unit. He said Edna is an "old person's name" and she was "probably going to die soon anyway", so she shouldn't do either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

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By Jaden Dubin - 31/7/2020 08:02

Animal Farm

Today, I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap at work. I had to take it home to get it off with oil, and then I released it outside. Twenty minutes later, the cat returned it to me, dead. After that, the dogs dug it up where I buried it. Sorry, mouse. FML

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By Hanna - United States

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By Cody - United States

Look up here

Today, during my shift at a restaurant, my boss's daughter came in. I couldn't help but notice that she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her, my boss took me aside and said, "My daughter's got eyes you know, not just a pair of tits". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 02:01

Stalker vibes

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

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By koolkat9 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By Kfeaaa - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

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By MB101 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

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By bobby - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML

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Top comments

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261794 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Arghhhhh

By LaColombianita | 26

#4261815 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

That sounds very painful! But pirate isn't that bad of a nickname.. At least they didn't call you cyclops or something like that lol.

COMMENTS

By asselhoff | 5

#4261789 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:04

First and lol

The_Hitdude | 12

#4262208 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:29

#1 That's probably the sound she made when she got the superglue in her eye! Don't you love irony?

The_Hitdude | 12

#4262210 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:31

#1 That's probably the sound he made when she got superglue in her eye! Don't you just love irony?

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261794 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Arghhhhh

Miss_Kristen | 10

#4261847 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

I bet the old pirate is so happy to have you in the office now!

iliketofu | 6

#4261928 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:28

I really hope you're a girl.

waresjake | 3

#4261952 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:33

Argh, I still love Yee OP

j_cat187 | 19

#4261955 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:33

Yo ho a pirate tis thee,
You are a pirate!!

shanemaximo | 7

#4262138 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:01

The boss was probably impressed seeing what length you go to in order to really sell an excuse for being late.

Wederoney | 16

#4263301 - Thursday 5 April 2012 19:33

Yohoho and a bottle of rum!

RochelleRedvines | 8

#4264122 - Thursday 5 April 2012 23:33

I wish I had an excuse to wear an eyepatch.

mockingjaygirl16 | 8

#4265046 - Friday 6 April 2012 4:54

Oww!!!! that sounds really painful.

By LunaDragon | 10

#4261798 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

That's badass, I wish I could be pirate!

LolUnlucky | 12

#4262145 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:03

Put superglue in your eye :)

TorturedXeno | 27

#4263214 - Thursday 5 April 2012 18:45

Something good comes out of something bad.

By LaColombianita | 26

#4261815 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

That sounds very painful! But pirate isn't that bad of a nickname.. At least they didn't call you cyclops or something like that lol.

By Jkolbly | 11

#4261819 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:09

For some reason this makes me think of spongebob.......

on_the_flip_side | 0

#4276351 - Sunday 8 April 2012 18:19

Me too!!

By skygirl_01 | 5

#4261821 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:09

at least you're popular at your new job already? :)

babe7260 | 30

#4261997 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:45

No shit

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4263964 - Thursday 5 April 2012 22:31

False poop.

By kakarot2 | 11

#4261842 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:12

EYE!!!!!!!

By DirtyMike911 | 0

#4261843 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

I come to plunder all yer booty!

Torva_fml | 16

#4262723 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:57

Just thought of buttsexpirate, lol. :)

By littlem91 | 29

#4261869 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:16

This has to be made up, how would you get the glue in your eye of all places? Fingers yes, eye no.

dbt88 | 15

#4261875 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:17

I wondered too. Sucks anyway but still wondering.

littlem91 | 29

#4261899 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:23

To reword my moderated comment, I was wondering how somebody would get Superglue in their eye, as fingers seems normal, eye less so.

j_cat187 | 19

#4261964 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:35

Dude what did you say?

By wittygirl | 8

#4261877 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:17

You know you were late. Technically they can fire people for tardiness, at least that didn't happen. I'd prefer the eye issues and a nickname then no job.

Senseless_487 | 29

#4261950 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:32

Most employers give some consideration for extenuating circumstances, and I think this one qualifies.