Health: Today, I slipped on a wet floor at the supermarket and busted...

By fark - Ireland

Today, I slipped on a wet floor at the supermarket and busted my nose. It wouldn't be as embarrassing if I hadn't missed the "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign that I'd put there myself just 30 minutes earlier. FML

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Health

Serious times

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

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By DaycareMama92

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

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By poncho31 - United States

Today, I drove 6 hours to make a job interview missing my best friends' wedding. The interview is actually tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymouse - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By lions214 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By farrahfarrest_ - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

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By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

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By Dumbblonde - United States

Today, I was babysitting this little girl. She told me she wanted to go to the park so we did. When we were walking back, I was caring her on my back. When were almost at the door, she told me she had to go pee. I told her to hold it. As we were walking in the door I felt a warm spot on my back. FML

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By aswamk - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML

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By ZZ - Canada

Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML

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By sadface - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By XxHinkaixX - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking through an old photo album of mine. I turned to a page with a picture of me on my last day of college. I thought the picture was quite nice. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry, I take bad pictures too." FML

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By shakyhands - United States

Today, my dad was stupid enough to think that the kitchen sink is a good place to clean a gas tank. Now, the whole house smells of gas fumes and I'm about to pass out. FML

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By onionrings - United States - Gainesville

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

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By Cuzles - United States

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

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By ITM21 - United States

Today, I accused a student in my class of getting his dad to do his homework. It turns out that his dad died 2 years ago. FML

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By fallsdownplenty45 - Taiwan

Today, I went biking. I attempted a large hill and lost control, slipped, and fell ten feet into a sewage pit. Riding home covered in crap, my sock caught my chain and I flipped over my bike. My dad had to spray me with the garden hose, bloody and shitty, in the front yard. FML

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By andthatshowitgoes - United States

Today, my adorable 8 year old son told me he no longer wanted me to pick him up from school. When I asked why, he said, "I told everyone at school my mommy is pretty... and I don't want people to know I lied." FML

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By Jordan - 12/11/2020 05:02 - United States - Herndon

Luck of the draw

Today, I waited 3 hours and paid $360 to have a routine tuneup done on my old car. As I pulled into my driveway, about to turn off the engine, one of my headlights blew. FML

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By taylor w - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating for 5 months is engaged to his girlfriend of 3 years. I found out as we were talking, waiting for him to come outside after work. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I discovered a large and somewhat disturbing whitehead inside my ear crevice. Apparently it's been there for a while, because everyone at work has nicknamed it Hugo. FML

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Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML

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By Nomoreballs - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

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By savagepixie

Ex-Lax Time

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, and he thought it would be funny to steal my ring and "pretend" to swallow it. I tried to get it back, but unfortunately I "surprised" him. He reckons I'll get it back some time tomorrow. FML

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By somebody - United States

Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By parker1993 - United States

Today, while waiting for a job interview, a woman sat down next to me and asked if I was here for the job too. Thinking she was also an applicant, I tried to demoralise her, and said the job was going to be a complete joke. With that, she stood up and said, "Do you still want to go into my office?" She was the interviewer. FML

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By justine - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

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By will3000

Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML

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By Sally - Australia

The struggle is real

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got rear-ended at a stop sign on a seldom used road in my neighborhood. As I open my car door to trade insurance information with the guy, he backs up a little and speeds away, taking my car door with him. FML

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By Pita - United States

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

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By theamericandream - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By t2t2sync - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

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By SelfServiced - United States - San Francisco

Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6123991 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:22

It happens. Hopefully you didn't hurt the floor ...

By suruhhhhh | 8

#6123992 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:22

Short term memory loss is a bitch.

COMMENTS

By Rinat_fml | 26

#6123987 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:20

Lol

By devildog562 | 33

#6123991 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:22

It happens. Hopefully you didn't hurt the floor ...

teyyoshi | 19

#6124077 - Friday 21 November 2014 1:54

the floor proves to be innocent

AriettaX | 15

#6124215 - Friday 21 November 2014 5:41

hopefully everyone "nose" the hazards of a wet floor! hahaha nose.. ha.

Ki11erC | 18

#6124233 - Friday 21 November 2014 6:28

@43 You can go back to your corner now.

AriettaX | 15

#6124236 - Friday 21 November 2014 6:35

@45 my corner is very comfortable, it has a nice desk and computer. yeah. take that!

coming back in the future | 30

#6124245 - Friday 21 November 2014 7:08

You must be new here #46

devildog562 | 33

#6124317 - Friday 21 November 2014 9:08

45 don't be a douche bag she's is welcome on my comment. You however are not funny or original.cheesy but funny is okay.

By suruhhhhh | 8

#6123992 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:22

Short term memory loss is a bitch.

TheGolfGTI | 24

#6124039 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:54

I mean come on, water you doing OP?

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6124153 - Friday 21 November 2014 4:30

Actually, usually only bitches get wet...

*braces for massive downvotes because people assume that I'm sexist and not funny

By howtobestupid | 16

#6123993 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:22

Rather slippery situation

Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6124145 - Friday 21 November 2014 4:11

You know what else is slipping? Your comment's vote count.

ProfKowalski | 5

#6124302 - Friday 21 November 2014 8:45

Well, water you gonna do about it?

By deathstroke990 | 22

#6123994 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:22

Things like that can easily escape your mind when you're paying attention to other things, fyl op

niallo | 23

#6124534 - Friday 21 November 2014 16:33

Also the fact that it was placed there 30 minutes ago. I would have assumed it would be dry after that time.

By LittleSushi_fml | 13

#6123995 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:23

Pay more attention.

By vintageart1994 | 16

#6123996 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:23

Talk about not paying attention o.O

By nevm | 12

#6123997 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:23

Good job Dory

By vaderismyfriend | 27

#6123999 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:23

Bitches be tripping

un0m3 | 14

#6124013 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:31

*Trippin

Garrett2818 | 21

#6124096 - Friday 21 November 2014 2:26

Congrats 16, you're the first person on this site to incorrectly correct someone's grammar and get up voted.

Ashd09 | 30

#6124105 - Friday 21 November 2014 2:43

slipping*

PresidentNorth | 16

#6124201 - Friday 21 November 2014 5:13

and then there's you #30.

By Paulvuck | 15

#6124000 - Friday 21 November 2014 0:23

Sorry OP, but that's just a huge fail. What did you do the night before to make you forget things like that? Get your nose fixed, I know it hurts... GL