Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML

Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML

Learning curve

Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

What am I doing?

Today, my 2 year-old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

Today, I saw my dad pick his teeth with a toothpick from a new box. He ate the food he got out of his teeth and put the toothpick back. FML