Intimacy: Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 1 256

15/02/2012 00:35

Spicy

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 761

You deserved it 3 548

Sorry…

Age difference

Dysfunctional

27/02/2013 13:49

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by quietly undressing and sneaking into the bathroom to join him in the shower. He was bent over taking a dump, pushing his turd down the plughole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 624

You deserved it 6 671

10/09/2012 06:06

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 665

You deserved it 2 260

21/12/2018 14:00

Today, I let my 5 year old play on my tablet while we were both using one of those family restrooms with two toilets. She took a selfie showing both on us on the toilet and sent it to my husband. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 1 221

02/03/2009 17:28

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 242

You deserved it 8 458

31/07/2018 13:00

Today, I got grounded for 2 weeks for slapping my brother after he threw a baseball at my head and hit my shin with a bat. He’s in 9th grade and I'm in 8th. He got ice cream to "cheer him up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 723

You deserved it 236

17/03/2009 20:40

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 217

You deserved it 48 514

26/07/2010 04:03

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 264

You deserved it 12 532

Logic

By tampon of doom - 27/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, I found out from a cousin why my older aunts treated me so differently when we were growing up. Apparently, my mom told them that when I was 14, I wanted to use tampons instead of pads. According to their backward, archaic logic that meant I was sexually active. No wonder they hated me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 214

You deserved it 60

13/09/2013 23:13

Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 276

You deserved it 3 348

Nice try

By Gog - 26/05/2021 07:59

Today, someone tried to scam me by selling me a ticket to a Chris Cornell concert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 86

07/07/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the nearby marina. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind a lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 715

14/12/2014 02:02

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 045

You deserved it 3 222

20/01/2011 05:47

Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 507

You deserved it 4 467

17/10/2009 21:08

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 224

You deserved it 5 051

13/07/2009 22:18

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 422

You deserved it 65 841

25/06/2014 04:29

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 778

You deserved it 6 105

06/04/2009 06:16

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 981

You deserved it 48 934

03/10/2009 02:23

Today, I checked my email for the hundredth time, hoping to hear back from a potential employer about a job I really want. No response. Why? My email with resume attached has been sitting in my Outbox for the past week. I never actually sent it out in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 888

You deserved it 39 068

13/05/2013 14:16

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 112

You deserved it 7 289

Dyslexics untie!

By Anonymous - 12/02/2021 02:01

Today, after finding out from my psychologist that I have a disability in reading comprehension, I tried to Google how to improve my reading skills. I couldn't understand what any of the articles were saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 98

Arse!

By Anonymous - 09/09/2019 12:00

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 462

You deserved it 210

Favorite child

By Anonymous - 23/01/2020 01:00

Today, I heard that my mom is coming back from France, where my brother lives. I have lived in the same place, exactly 45 minutes from my mother, for 6 years. She hasn't visited me once, but has been out of state to see my sibling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 085

You deserved it 192

07/06/2013 07:10

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 900

You deserved it 69 988

04/02/2016 04:59

Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found out that I had bronchitis that then progressed to pneumonia. My girlfriend is hearing impaired, and when I can finally get words to come out when I speak, she can't understand them. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 643

You deserved it 1 767

15/07/2011 05:51

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 720

You deserved it 5 852

08/09/2009 22:10

Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 111

You deserved it 45 250

07/12/2018 03:00

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 859

You deserved it 171

28/05/2019 18:09

Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 2 823

18/02/2019 16:00

Today, the family posted my mother in law’s obituary. My husband was listed as a survivor, with no mention of me, while all the other spouses were named. Also listed as a survivor - his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 462

You deserved it 197

19/05/2019 16:06

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words killing, dying and death. I'm a rubbish support system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 428

You deserved it 538

15/04/2009 02:15

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 573

You deserved it 5 947

30/05/2013 03:55

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 649

You deserved it 9 788

09/06/2011 11:50

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 967

You deserved it 6 303

Well shit.

By Trist - 09/08/2018 14:30

Today, after moving 1,400 miles across the country, quitting my full-time job, and selling most of my furniture to attend flight school, I got a call a month before my start date saying that they are closing my location. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 176

You deserved it 165

23/05/2010 01:24

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 824

You deserved it 3 522

05/12/2013 00:00

Today, I was granted a donation to pay for a creative writing course. When I told my mom she couldn't even muster a smile. She found her excitement later, however, when she posted how proud she was of me on Facebook. I can only get praise through my mom attention-whoring on social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 029

You deserved it 2 647

25/06/2009 15:37

Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 204

You deserved it 7 206

17/06/2011 04:50

Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 341

You deserved it 3 011

18/07/2011 19:40

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 169

You deserved it 2 962

19/02/2013 23:07

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 3 812

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Top comments

glittercookies 12

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:06

He probably meant on his.

DontClickOnMe 28

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:05

Aww, someone has a secret admirer. Too bad, they're rude.

Comments

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:01

Lmao

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:34

Someone wants you to chock on THEIR big fat cock, to most people that's an insult... Or an open invitation to enjoy big fat cock.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:55

Clearly #1 was so excited to be the first comment, they couldn't think of anything better to say.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 10:16

In German that's how they say they love you

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 10:52

Well, the Germans are famous for their sausages...

FruityLoooons 8

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 11:40

22 - Or, you know, they just actually found the FML funny.

peachesncreem 21

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 12:22

#20 - Chock. That's new.. How does one do this thing you call chock?

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 12:52

You should of known the letter would be bad since it had a big swastika in the front...

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 12:55

German is the language of love

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 19:17

Leave it to google turn a cute, innocent thing like a image of a doggie or a translation of a cute letter into something straight out of a porno gone wrong.

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Thursday 16 February 2012 4:41

@81, Yea I think she realized it and just wanted to make an example of 20. LIke somehow he was less of a person because of a typo. Grammar whores. Too busy correcting things to get any cock to chock on.

edibleamazing 4

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Thursday 16 February 2012 5:06

86- win

PinkElephants713 6

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Sunday 29 July 2012 4:22

37- Chock: The choking of the cock. May be preparing a bird for a feast, expressing self pleasure, or giving pleasure to others. ;)

every1luvsvag 10

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:03

Fuck that shit.

every1luvsvag 10

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:02

Fuck that shit

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 12:30

Hey that was very thoughtful if you ask me.

every1luvsvag 10

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:03

Fuck that shit.

every1luvsvag 10

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:03

Fuck that shit.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:04

Awhhh that IS cute :)

LookOnBrightSide 12

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:06

6-Don't know if cute would be the right word. Creepy and disturbing, yes, but cute...I'm not too sure about that.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:12

It was sarcasm, emphasis on the word "is", if you read the fml op refers to it as cute.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 10:05

How does emphasis on the word 'is' reflect sarcasm? I tried saying it out loud, even!

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 11:25

Dont listen to them that was funny right there

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 12:01

Wait, when is sarcasm accompanied by smiley faces? O_O Ah well. Huzzah, sarcasm! :D

Furrywhiplash 14

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 13:29

In the original post, cute was referring to the physical appearance of the letter and not to the actual content of the letter.

Janawa 22

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Thursday 23 February 2012 22:01

SEE!!!!! They doggy gets it!

PinkElephants713 6

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Sunday 29 July 2012 4:29

When sarcasm is hard to detect, a good "BAZINGA" may help to get your point across! ;)

DontClickOnMe 28

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:05

Aww, someone has a secret admirer. Too bad, they're rude.

glittercookies 12

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:06

He probably meant on his.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 22:15

Of course he meant his

ninjuh_wingman 29

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:07

Seems like someones in love with you.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 9:07

Atleast they hoped it in another language, it's the thought that counts.