Health: Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling an egg. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Sorry…

Freak out

By Rebecca - 3/10/2020 23:07

What could go wrong?

Today, I slipped into an ATM vestibule quickly without a mask. The place smelled like the antiseptic at a doctor's office, so I figured, "What could go wrong? Not more than 6 hours later, I found out that I’m sick. FML

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By maybe time to adopt

Oops.

Today, after my wife and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years, I found out she's still on the pill. Apparently when she was a teen she had bad period cramps, so her doctor gave her the pill for the pain. She never realized it stops pregnancy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, trying to be romantic, I started giving my boyfriend a neck massage. He gave me a weirded-out look, removed my hand, called me creep, and wouldn't let me touch him for the rest of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 05:02

M. Night Shyamalanadingdong

Today, I went to the bathroom after a terrible job interview. My interviewer walked in with another guy, talking about my interview, saying he was obviously going to hire the other guy because my odd-sounding name was too hard to pronounce, yet alone spell in multiple emails. FML

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By mitchellcrawford - United States - San Francisco

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

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By Juancames3

Saboteur!

Today, after spending all night packing for my 5am flight to Brazil, my cat peed all over my open suitcase. FML

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By Ohfknhell

It's a sign...

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

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By social anxiety my a** - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

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By Ugggghhh

Today, I was that person in the pharmacy that held the line up for 25 minutes. When I got home, I realized I left my prescriptions in the shopping cart in the store's parking lot. FML

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By Go_There - 26/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Madison

Cake, eating it…

Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part and I had to break it off. I already miss the sex. FML

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By crinitis - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

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By squirrel - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By gaga - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

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By Pissed - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

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By drivingmecrazy - United States - Stamford

Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically". She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

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By calli - United Kingdom

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the toilet, and then had to give my boss a valid reason for why I was late. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 02:01

Billy no-mates

Today, I feel both happy and jealous of my father. It's his birthday and he has received over 100 times more phone calls than me. I'd had two: one from my local bank manager and one from my girlfriend. FML

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By ricksterile - United States

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I volunteered to help out at an elementary school. I accidentally elbowed a little girl in the face while playing tag. And an hour later, a little boy flew out of his swing because I accidentally pushed him too hard. They're both siblings and are my child psychology instructor's kids. FML

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By Wolf - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

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By jf29 - United States

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 08:00

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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By Kay - United Kingdom

Today, I was looking down at my chest and noticed the hairs growing upon it. For a 16 year old, it's pretty impressive. It's a shame that I'm a girl though. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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By - 12/2/2020 14:00 - United States

Almost father

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

PUA

Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML

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By nosey - United Kingdom - Mountain Ash

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

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By a fat fucking shit and proud of it - United Kingdom - Camberley

Today, it's been less than a week since I finally got a job, after over a year of searching. I just found out that there's about to be a wave of layoffs. I haven't even gotten my first paycheck, and already I'm going to lose my job. FML

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By ProExist - United States

Today, MLK Jr. Day, I was told that since my other co workers are on vacation, I have to be at work Today. No one else is at work Today...or on any other holiday. Also I am the only black person at my office. The irony, FML

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By edavis1993 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

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By cuntsmom - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

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By B-Ry

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

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Top comments

By Levi2411 | 37

#7702674 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 5:24

You're the reason people like Gordon Ramsay exist.

By ViviMage | 38

#7702685 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 6:47

You set the 3 hour egg timer didn't you?

COMMENTS

By PastryWiz1999 | 15

#7697874 - Sunday 23 September 2018 10:31

Been There, Done That but with Popcorn! afterwards everything was Pretty much fucked!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698234 - Monday 24 September 2018 4:11

Why do I get the feeling you and OP were drunk?

By Levi2411 | 37

#7702674 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 5:24

You're the reason people like Gordon Ramsay exist.

By SandMan344888 | 5

#7702676 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 5:31

Gordon Ramsay would be disappointed

By ViviMage | 38

#7702685 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 6:47

You set the 3 hour egg timer didn't you?

By donthatemebut | 14

#7702753 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 9:58

How can I check old comments I made?

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7702808 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 11:55

Top right corner of the page, drop down menu, click on 'My Comments'. You're welcome.

By lexos | 16

#7702765 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 10:15

How exactly did that happen?

By Redpanda | 7

#7702783 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 11:09

Spooky

By Christina Winden | 19

#7702811 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 11:58

Explode a microwave by making Mac ‘N Cheese and we’ll talk

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7702949 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 17:17

You’re not the only one. I found out that you really can set the oven on fire using self cleaning. Never again will I ever use self cleaning.

You only live and learn. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Reply

cbchawks | 14

#7703058 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 21:03

sweep the bottom out the best you can so that doesn't happen

By my_way_1213 | 11

#7703229 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 7:28

My dad set the whole apartment building on fire boiling hotdogs