Health: Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling an egg. FML

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Understandable

Caught red-handed

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

By nyebust - United States

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

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By whyyjustwhy - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

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By ccrex

Today, I put my phone on top the car while putting my daughter in her car seat. Told myself not to forget it. Then I drove away, and it flew off the top of the car on the freeway. It got ran over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Syosset

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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By 733yoda

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

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By Dlord357 - United States

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

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By James C - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I was on a first date. She asked what I do, so I replied "I create adverts." She then yelled, "F**k you" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

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By zyordz - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

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By Kristen Duncan - United States - Spokane

Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By mandy - United States

Selected

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, when suddenly at the end of dinner he gets down on one knee, takes out an engagement ring, and says, "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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By all tweened out - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

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By twat - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML

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By Anonymous

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's 4-year-old son and four of his friends to the amusement park. While walking down a hill, I slipped on some water and slid down the hill, taking out multiple children. It wasn't rain. I'd slid on vomit. FML

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By MisterT - United States

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

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By Watsausrname

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By Zak - United States

Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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By fire - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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By unpatriotic - United States - Eugene

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

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By Lee - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By whinywiper - Canada

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out "Run fatty, run". I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Night terrors

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buena Park

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

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By Mutton - 8/3/2021 17:01

Too passionate for me

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

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By Yay..... - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

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By idontknowwhatiamdoing - Canada - Toronto

Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML

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By Today

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By troll of a gran - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

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By Username

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

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By Janice - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

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By WildShortstop13 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

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Top comments

By Levi2411 | 39

#7702674 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 5:24

You're the reason people like Gordon Ramsay exist.

By ViviMage | 38

#7702685 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 6:47

You set the 3 hour egg timer didn't you?

COMMENTS

By PastryWiz1999 | 15

#7697874 - Sunday 23 September 2018 10:31

Been There, Done That but with Popcorn! afterwards everything was Pretty much fucked!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698234 - Monday 24 September 2018 4:11

Why do I get the feeling you and OP were drunk?

By Levi2411 | 39

#7702674 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 5:24

You're the reason people like Gordon Ramsay exist.

By SandMan344888 | 5

#7702676 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 5:31

Gordon Ramsay would be disappointed

By ViviMage | 38

#7702685 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 6:47

You set the 3 hour egg timer didn't you?

By donthatemebut | 14

#7702753 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 9:58

How can I check old comments I made?

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7702808 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 11:55

Top right corner of the page, drop down menu, click on 'My Comments'. You're welcome.

By lexos | 16

#7702765 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 10:15

How exactly did that happen?

By Redpanda | 7

#7702783 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 11:09

Spooky

By Christina Winden | 19

#7702811 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 11:58

Explode a microwave by making Mac ‘N Cheese and we’ll talk

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7702949 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 17:17

You’re not the only one. I found out that you really can set the oven on fire using self cleaning. Never again will I ever use self cleaning.

You only live and learn. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Reply

cbchawks | 14

#7703058 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 21:03

sweep the bottom out the best you can so that doesn't happen

By my_way_1213 | 11

#7703229 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 7:28

My dad set the whole apartment building on fire boiling hotdogs