Health: Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom...

By Fattypatty - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

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Health

Messed up

Waiting for that special someone

This is fine

By Anonymous - 12/5/2021 02:01

Thank God for that

Today, after helping my grandma to clear out and renovate her house, she tells me that the only reason she doesn’t hate me is because God will hate her if she does. All because I threw out a pack of biscuits with an expiry date of Nov 2012. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would tell my mom I'm not going to marry my fiancé because it just didn't feel right, only to walk into my own surprise engagement party. FML

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By kjcarey123 - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

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By lauramarie - Canada

Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

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By poodlesoup - 21/12/2020 22:58 - United States

The wrong end of the stick

Today, I actually feel good about my decisions and my life. I've even started running to improve my health, and recover from self harming. My girlfriend is convinced I'm running to hurt myself, and won't let me near any health food or the treadmill. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss sent me some application forms to check over. After I spell-checked them and returned them, I found out they're going to be used to hire someone to replace me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 20:59 - United States - Pittsburgh

Our house, in the middle of our street

Today, I realized I could say nothing in my home without being interrupted, talked over, or the subject derailed into a 30 minutes monologue by my housemates. And they wonder why I'm so quiet all the time… FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally got to surprise my boyfriend with a birthday cake. I spent four days planning the perfect one. First thing he says? "Erm, you know I'm 32, right?" I got his age wrong. FML

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By anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

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By Anonymous

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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By DeeElleGee - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

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By Actrent

Today, the first gift I opened was from my uncle. It was $80 in clothes that I'd bought for myself a week earlier. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML

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By jemma - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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By MothmanKirbaby - 10/4/2021 14:00

Awkward pause

Today, a close friend called me to inform me of his newest relationship, and why he's kept it from me - he's been seeing his male cousin for several months and was tired of hiding it from the world. I had to keep my shock in check over the phone. FML

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By dentistftw - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

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By TheodoreFinches - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By Chip - Australia

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

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By Firepants - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

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By JoshuaRob - United States

Today, I got excited because a snowman I had built lasted a whole week, which is uncommon in my mild climate area. I thought myself lucky, and that my life was turning around. Then I realized how lame my whole train of thought was. FML

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By RJB - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my Homecoming dance. I had a great time until some fat girl kept trying to dance with my date, even though he politely asked her to stop. I decided to intervene. I found myself pinned to the floor by a fat girl crushing on my date, who was cheering her on as she tackled me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

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By kittyfiddlernono - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

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By motherless - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

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By disturbedgd - South Africa

Today, after years of listening to my coworker complaining about everything in her life, including her job, I finally stood up to her and bitched at her for complaining and not doing anything about it. She went to my boss, and now it's in my job description to listen to her when she complains. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made an appointment with a therapist because lately I've been feeling alone and like no one cares about me. I waited at her office for about forty minutes before the receptionist informed me that she must have forgotten about the appointment. I was stood up by even my therapist. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 14:00

Epitaph

Today, I asked my boyfriend to honestly tell me if I had become overweight. He replied that yes, I had, but that it was OK because I was his "Lumpy Space Princess." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murrieta

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

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By Jbs4lf - Belgium

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn't give him any cigarettes. I don't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

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Top comments

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#381976 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:16

Diet. Gastric Bypass. Tummy Tuck. Gym. Something! D:
and how the fuck do you crack a porcelain seat like that? my God. :3

By Sue21 | 0

#381967 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:14

wow

COMMENTS

By Sue21 | 0

#381967 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:14

wow

narks | 0

#381989 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:19

generic 'butt crack' joke?
ydi

purple_nugget | 0

#382097 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:53

wow you must be really fat..
plus who sits on public toilets.
nastyy

Mulada | 0

#382440 - Thursday 9 July 2009 19:17

Um, people who need to use them, 19? It's what they're there for!

z3r0ram | 0

#384248 - Friday 10 July 2009 10:14

when the plastic ones get old, they loose their strength, even a loose stand in the front can help
it just came down to most you weight being on the weakest point of that seat.

fairly easy to do really, especially if you heated it up ...

MadaFaka_fml | 0

#384403 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:49

fu*k thats disguasting
stop eating shit man

gigi2009 | 0

#387925 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:27

Damn! Fat bitch!! Endless hahaha's

natasha_tailor | 0

#402419 - Thursday 16 July 2009 20:30

can you not...thats me in the future ^_^

Fop | 6

#426256 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:34

That happened to me once, and I'm in no way obese. Neither FYL nor YDI, could simply be bad quality.

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3110675 - Monday 15 August 2011 7:06

fatty mcgoo

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#381976 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:16

Diet. Gastric Bypass. Tummy Tuck. Gym. Something! D:
and how the fuck do you crack a porcelain seat like that? my God. :3

silvermoonstar3 | 3

#382253 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:57

it could be plastic or something?

heavenandhell | 0

#382284 - Thursday 9 July 2009 18:12

the seats are plastic and the bowl is porcelain or ceramic... dumbass

sunshiiiineXD | 0

#382703 - Thursday 9 July 2009 21:19

Not all seats are plastic, hun.

DangerousBabee | 0

#384085 - Friday 10 July 2009 8:50

ROFL My cousin is umm..fat. she broke my toilet seat and didnt even tell me. :P

katey280 | 0

#1560743 - Sunday 17 October 2010 13:43

I'm just suprised he didn't feel it :S

By iambatman123 | 0

#382007 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:24

That doesn't mean your fat. That happened to me. I weigh 110.

Chel_fml | 0

#384243 - Friday 10 July 2009 10:13

That happened to me too. I think it's more of how you shift your weight...

mojo5678 | 5

#5374665 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 18:26

Or you're in serious denial

Vita_1 | 29

#6023141 - Wednesday 30 July 2014 8:08

110 lbs or kg... Haha

twilight2002 | 17

#6505039 - Friday 8 January 2016 13:39

stop hating on her...don't be jealous because she is 110 and your not..people are such haters

By cucuto89 | 0

#382015 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:26

Cool STOry Bro

megan_lovee | 0

#3510138 - Saturday 29 October 2011 22:18

yeah I loved it bro..amazing

Hildy93 | 21

#6332581 - Friday 26 June 2015 7:12

Hey take a lap

By DanMan | 0

#382026 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:30

Your life is not f'd. I have broken a toilet seat before and I am 150 lbs. It just had a lot of wear and tear.

By handyphil | 0

#382029 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:31

I hate fat people. Stop being a fat shit.

Inked2009 | 0

#382153 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:14

Prick

Hemlock510 | 0

#382172 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:19

I hate assholes. Stop being an asshole

thabeast | 0

#382189 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:25

well theres the "Yeah look at how fat I am haha" people
and the "why am I fat? I need a twinkie" people
if the OP is the former then its all good
but we won't really know the circumstances...