Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom...

By Fattypatty - 9/7/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

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Health

Serious times

Incognito browsing

Mr Sensitivity

By cllutz - 7/2/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

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By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - 30/7/2014 04:41 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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By acorn - 8/8/2009 23:59 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother making arrangements to go to a dinner tonight where I will be honored for my political activism. She made it clear she's only going for me, and does NOT support the gay rights group that is putting the dinner on. I was planning on coming out after dinner. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 05:24 - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

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By leopard - 1/6/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

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By Scaredshitless - 3/2/2010 13:48 - France

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

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By beleria - 23/4/2012 22:41 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML

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By babygurl69 - 20/1/2009 21:38 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

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By staceyymaee - 6/7/2016 17:47 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

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By Sadness - 7/10/2013 18:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 01:51 - Australia

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

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By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By sexybelly - 26/3/2015 08:35 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, I was asked when my baby is due. My baby was due 6 months ago. FML

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By anugla - 18/8/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 18:00

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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By awkword - 31/12/2014 17:47 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

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By fml333 - 21/12/2009 19:26 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

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By needtoscratch - 5/9/2012 14:06 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML

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By Sniffles - 26/4/2014 12:28 - Ireland

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend 4 months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2015 10:41 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

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By A girl - 27/6/2011 07:55 - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

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By Fcuked - 23/3/2011 04:40 - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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By Mudge - 25/2/2016 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

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By Gee - 16/6/2017 02:00

Today, I helped a stranger exchange 3,000 Argentinian pesos for US dollars through my bank. They gave him $3,000. The exchange rate is close to $195. My bank realized their mistake and now my bank account is -$2,805 expecting me to pay it back. All this happened before my recent paycheck came in. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2014 08:56 - United Kingdom - Dunmow

Today, despite years of paranoid checking, I forgot to check my towel for spiders after my shower. Two crawled onto me, and I'm pretty sure there's one somewhere in my hair. FML

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By bloodshedblack - 21/2/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

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By NotInterested - 23/8/2013 06:23 - United States

Today, I was walking home when I made eye contact with some guy, just being friendly. He then started rapping to me while pointing at his dick. FML

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By Embarassed - 23/11/2012 06:14 - United States - Kent

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

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By cantdolife - 23/9/2018 21:00 - United States - New Boston

Today, as a teacher, I had a conference with the mother of a student who is struggling with behavior. Turns out the mom is the woman who does my Brazilian waxes. FML

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By Pfff - 11/12/2008 10:40 - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

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By Bad Mommy - 21/6/2012 05:40 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

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By loverofstrife - 7/10/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML

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By T - 1/10/2010 09:09 - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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By Proprepourtant - 16/4/2011 11:28 - France

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2014 15:28 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML

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By bad timing - 3/9/2019 15:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

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By notjustfat - 20/4/2016 23:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was no longer sexually attracted to me. He then followed that with, "But don't worry, it's not because you're fat." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 20:11 - Sweden

Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML

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Top comments

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#381976 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:16

Diet. Gastric Bypass. Tummy Tuck. Gym. Something! D:
and how the fuck do you crack a porcelain seat like that? my God. :3

By Sue21 | 0

#381967 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:14

wow

COMMENTS

By Sue21 | 0

#381967 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:14

wow

narks | 0

#381989 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:19

generic 'butt crack' joke?
ydi

purple_nugget | 0

#382097 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:53

wow you must be really fat..
plus who sits on public toilets.
nastyy

Mulada | 0

#382440 - Thursday 9 July 2009 19:17

Um, people who need to use them, 19? It's what they're there for!

z3r0ram | 0

#384248 - Friday 10 July 2009 10:14

when the plastic ones get old, they loose their strength, even a loose stand in the front can help
it just came down to most you weight being on the weakest point of that seat.

fairly easy to do really, especially if you heated it up ...

MadaFaka_fml | 0

#384403 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:49

fu*k thats disguasting
stop eating shit man

gigi2009 | 0

#387925 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:27

Damn! Fat bitch!! Endless hahaha's

natasha_tailor | 0

#402419 - Thursday 16 July 2009 20:30

can you not...thats me in the future ^_^

Fop | 6

#426256 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:34

That happened to me once, and I'm in no way obese. Neither FYL nor YDI, could simply be bad quality.

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3110675 - Monday 15 August 2011 7:06

fatty mcgoo

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#381976 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:16

Diet. Gastric Bypass. Tummy Tuck. Gym. Something! D:
and how the fuck do you crack a porcelain seat like that? my God. :3

silvermoonstar3 | 2

#382253 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:57

it could be plastic or something?

heavenandhell | 0

#382284 - Thursday 9 July 2009 18:12

the seats are plastic and the bowl is porcelain or ceramic... dumbass

sunshiiiineXD | 0

#382703 - Thursday 9 July 2009 21:19

Not all seats are plastic, hun.

DangerousBabee | 0

#384085 - Friday 10 July 2009 8:50

ROFL My cousin is umm..fat. she broke my toilet seat and didnt even tell me. :P

katey280 | 0

#1560743 - Sunday 17 October 2010 13:43

I'm just suprised he didn't feel it :S

By iambatman123 | 0

#382007 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:24

That doesn't mean your fat. That happened to me. I weigh 110.

Chel_fml | 0

#384243 - Friday 10 July 2009 10:13

That happened to me too. I think it's more of how you shift your weight...

mojo5678 | 5

#5374665 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 18:26

Or you're in serious denial

Vita_1 | 29

#6023141 - Wednesday 30 July 2014 8:08

110 lbs or kg... Haha

twilight2002 | 17

#6505039 - Friday 8 January 2016 13:39

stop hating on her...don't be jealous because she is 110 and your not..people are such haters

By cucuto89 | 0

#382015 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:26

Cool STOry Bro

megan_lovee | 0

#3510138 - Saturday 29 October 2011 22:18

yeah I loved it bro..amazing

Hildy93 | 21

#6332581 - Friday 26 June 2015 7:12

Hey take a lap

By DanMan | 0

#382026 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:30

Your life is not f'd. I have broken a toilet seat before and I am 150 lbs. It just had a lot of wear and tear.

By handyphil | 0

#382029 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:31

I hate fat people. Stop being a fat shit.

Inked2009 | 0

#382153 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:14

Prick

Hemlock510 | 0

#382172 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:19

I hate assholes. Stop being an asshole

thabeast | 0

#382189 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:25

well theres the "Yeah look at how fat I am haha" people
and the "why am I fat? I need a twinkie" people
if the OP is the former then its all good
but we won't really know the circumstances...