Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran...

By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 18:57 - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Creepy

Property law

By Wally - 8/5/2009 15:20 - Canada

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

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By fannyfitel123 - 24/8/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, for my mom's birthday, we went camping. At night, my mom and her boyfriend decided to have "Birthday Sex" because they thought everyone was asleep. Trying to not make it awkward for me and my friend that I brought along, I kept still. Soon, I heard my friend going to town on herself. FML

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By oops1234 - 16/4/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

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By tjcl - 28/11/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

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By fugachumi - 7/8/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I discovered that every morning at around 3:00 my dad takes a monumental dump in my bathroom. When I confronted him about it he denied it. He still does it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2011 07:56 - Australia

Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By tooth fairy - 20/8/2018 04:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, my dentist called and told me that the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth - which I desperately need and saved for a year to be able to afford - will actually cost nearly $2000 more than originally stated. The surgery is supposed to be in three days. FML

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By keelah - 27/6/2014 21:57 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By TheJeremyMoe - 11/8/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

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By ohshat - 22/12/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

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By hobbled - 17/6/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

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By Lucachoo - 21/10/2016 05:16

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 15:16 - United States - Jasper

Today, I finally finished a gruelling shift at the hospital. I hadn't slept in over 30 hours, so I was happy to get out. I was quickly rushed back in after I collapsed in the parking lot and cracked my head open. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By fat_thighs - 29/4/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I read a PostSecret that said "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML

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By lastalittlelonger - 5/12/2009 09:07 - United States

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By pottypattypeepants - 31/12/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 20:04

Generosity

Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I’d get for my troubles. FML

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By hatedatwork - 2/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Shreveport

Thanks mom!

Today, my CEO called and spoke to me like I'm a child. Apparently, she has a surprise for me, "but only if I clean up my office first." She hasn't been to my office in months because she works in another state. Turns out, someone texted her a picture of my messy office. FML

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By Jake - 25/7/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I was going to hang out with the girl I like, because she was leaving for the rest of the Summer. She had to cancel to go shopping with her grandma "all day." At 1 o'clock, she came online and told me how much fun she had with this guy I really don't like. She forgot that she lied to me. FML

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By Nicholas Laughton - 16/6/2017 14:00

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

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By Pop_Pies - 3/9/2009 13:27 - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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By alexbobalex - 11/1/2010 07:23 - Aland Islands

Today, my mom found a pack of cigarettes in my pocket. She hates smoking, so she tore every single cigarette to pieces, then emptied a bag of kitty litter on them. On my bed. FML

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By Hello my name is - 22/2/2009 22:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went round to my Grandparents' to help set up their new Satellite TV. When I turned it on, for some reason it defaulted to "Arab Babes TV". I was therefore inadvertently responsible for the broadcast of porn in my Grandparents' living room. FML

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By foxytheologian - 15/4/2017 02:00

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

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By Blanerd - 15/10/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I was in a work meeting because our clientele is unhappy with our service. I was in there because I don't correct our customers when they get my name wrong. My name is Blane, but "Blair", "Blake", "Lane", and "Glenn" got rave reviews. No one picked up on this. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML

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38169

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By child - 10/12/2015 02:24 - United States - Avon

Today, my mom was driving with my brothers and sister in the back seat. She was turned around talking to us, when my sister told my mom that she missed the light. She ran it, then screamed at us about not paying attention and noticing your surroundings. FML

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By screwed - 4/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By bettercallpeta - 15/2/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 03:02 - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

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13427

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By RubyRed213 - 30/5/2018 05:00

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

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By neveragain - 16/3/2012 05:11 - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By LordCrafte - 15/5/2013 23:43 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

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By HylianFox - 27/1/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2015 21:11 - United States

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

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By HaliMali - 22/2/2015 18:21 - United States - Hastings

Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML

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Top comments

By mintcar | 9

#2195595 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:43

How did it break in the first place? Take it easy.

By Aoifexzx | 3

#2195679 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:57

it's not a huge deal, don't get all pissy about it.

COMMENTS

By mintcar | 9

#2195595 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:43

How did it break in the first place? Take it easy.

rallets | 22

#2195777 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:17

that mustve pissed you off

persianjr1 | 7

#2195819 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:27

what a shitty situation to be in. lol

mintcar | 9

#2195829 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:28

Wow... I knew /someone/ would make that comment.

persianjr1 | 7

#2195866 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:46

haha I figured no one did it so I might as well be the first. lol

L3Paparazzo | 7

#2195887 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:50

ewww

BAMF18 | 0

#2195905 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:51

its better to be pissed off than pissed on. in this case, he was both

TayonaC | 10

#2195932 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:56

he is a she....,

rallets | 22

#2196747 - Friday 18 March 2011 0:22

why do my comments always get modded? im not even trolling on some of my comments..like this one
its gonna get thumbs down, but meh

Takador | 3

#2197194 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:48

OP, use GoGirl!

hellogoodbye339 | 3

#2197536 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:01

ever heard of a blumpkin?

MissBunny25 | 0

#2197577 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:10

I've actually Been in a situation like this before.. except it involves boiling water and some uncooperative macaroni noodles -.-

rallets | 22

#2197605 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:18

holy shit, epic macaroni convo starting up again

*grabs bowl and cheese*

persianjr1 | 7

#2197958 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:19

haha. grabs separate pot and macaroni

LETS DO THIS

FOR PERSIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MissBunny25 | 0

#2198026 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:28

84 & 90... holy shit what have I started? :') y'all make me so proud.. :D *cranks up Dora soundtrack* let's do this!

persianjr1 | 7

#2198065 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:38

what you have started my friend, is called a macaroni movement. in which case the best and brightest people go and burn trolls to shreds with macaroni. lol

ballwiz23 | 0

#2198091 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:42

what is it with you and macaroni?

Kevinzzz | 0

#2198102 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:43

Now everytime I see ur pic Bunni I think, "And here comes the macaroni!" lmfao

x3nikkii97 | 0

#2198115 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:45

thaats why guys are luckyy. they dont havee to sitt on dirtyy publiic toiletss :/ or in this case, broken ones ;D

Kevinzzz | 0

#2198128 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:48

very well spoken 100!

5t3ff1k4h | 44

#2198258 - Friday 18 March 2011 5:22

100 - It seems your hands are shaking so much you've doubled a few of your letters unnecessarily. Maybe you should get that checked out.

rallets | 22

#2198822 - Friday 18 March 2011 7:50

its the other way around #95

By Molord1 | 0

#2195599 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:43

lol

MyNameIsBruce | 0

#2195646 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:52

23 dollars. More Gangsta than 17 dollars.

mintcar | 9

#2195675 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:55

What is that thing he's doing with his fingers?

mintcar | 9

#2195682 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:57

Thing*

mintcar | 9

#2195685 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:57

Thing*

tulsafml | 0

#2195712 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:05

gangsta

TayonaC | 10

#2195983 - Thursday 17 March 2011 23:09

#13
I guess it's some gang sign... I'm sure he feels better now knowing he's got a whopping what was it $13 or $17?
either way it's stupid and funny :0)

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2196139 - Thursday 17 March 2011 23:55

13- He's throwing up a sign...

slynoble32 | 11

#2198254 - Friday 18 March 2011 5:22

FUK BLOODS Cs up lol jkjkjkjkjk i aint bangin lol

By FallonFerSure | 6

#2195604 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:44

Ouch! Poor toilet seat...

By instnt1nfction | 17

#2195608 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:45

that's why guys rule

persianjr1 | 7

#2195824 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:30

your pic made me laugh

froob | 0

#2196001 - Thursday 17 March 2011 23:13

tru dat

bazingaman10 | 0

#2196184 - Friday 18 March 2011 0:04

and girls drool

sgenfkshe | 5

#2196979 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:08

that's a rude picture to have, jackass.

funnyFMLSplz | 0

#2197816 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:53

k, girls don't fucking drool. I <3 them. don't be mad cus you can't get any girls to pay attention to you

persianjr1 | 7

#2197968 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:20

what? idgi

persianjr1 | 7

#2198140 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:51

whats wrong with the pic. I'm being completely serious.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2198277 - Friday 18 March 2011 5:27

103 absolutely nothing that I can see.

countryboyj17 | 0

#2198742 - Friday 18 March 2011 7:30

idk but it made me lol xD

By mboehm88 | 3

#2195621 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:46

it's like riding a surfboard but you're shitting everywhere instead

MissBunny25 | 0

#2197574 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:08

hahahahahahaha wtf? you deserve a prize for that random comment .

cldean24 | 0

#2201928 - Saturday 19 March 2011 1:22

I wish FML had a high five button.

By jewels1877 | 0

#2195630 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:49

I'd be pissed.

BugsBunny1 | 4

#2197231 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:57

I don't aPEEciate the tone you're using with me!

BugsBunny1 | 4

#2197233 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:57

I don't aPEEciate the tone you're using with me!

BugsBunny1 | 4

#2197235 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:57

I don't aPEEciate the tone you're using with me!

jewels1877 | 0

#2212195 - Sunday 20 March 2011 22:03

Get over it! >:-/

jewels1877 | 0

#2212203 - Sunday 20 March 2011 22:05

Get over it! >:-/

By musicfreak9821 | 6

#2195632 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:50

whoah there buddy, how did the freaking toilet seat break? that leaves me mysteriously curious...

TayonaC | 10

#2195988 - Thursday 17 March 2011 23:10

dang that's a FAT SQUIRREL!
he must really be packing some nuts

BugsBunny1 | 4

#2197284 - Friday 18 March 2011 2:05

It obviously wasn't in PISStine condition. :P

By cptmorgan15 | 2

#2195633 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:50

Home-made slipn'slide!

persianjr1 | 7

#2195991 - Thursday 17 March 2011 23:11

no. just no

ShokuMasterLord | 0

#2197189 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:47

Ew.

By blackhamster97 | 7

#2195636 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:50

At least u were home and could have changed still sucks though.

By huntermc7 | 0

#2195654 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:52

All slippy slidey. lol

jinki101 | 0

#2197771 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:42

omg... dude u look just like justin bieber.. idk if u take that offensive or not but im not even kidding.. u look just like him..

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2198100 - Friday 18 March 2011 4:43

Not at all, actually.

luke1998 | 0

#2198466 - Friday 18 March 2011 6:20

yea no

luke1998 | 0

#2198468 - Friday 18 March 2011 6:20

yea no

jinki101 | 0

#2199339 - Friday 18 March 2011 13:13

no in his old pic he did..eh idk now..

huntermc7 | 0

#2200882 - Friday 18 March 2011 21:11

ha old pic