By marcranger - 11/08/2014 23:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it, I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was, "I can't wait until it resembles a human being." FML
I agree, your life sucks 38 300
You deserved it 16 462

marcranger tells us more.

Hey all, OP here! Glad to see I made some of you laugh...I wish I could say the same about my cousin, his wife, and my aunt and uncle (the proud first-time grandparents)! At least my dad, who I was staying with for this event (I live up in the mountains, but this was in Denver), laughed his ass off when everyone else was out of earshot and said he honestly felt the same way (and since I was a baby once...thanks, Dad?). Oh, well. At the very least, I think the new parents will avoid me like the plague at future gatherings, even ones specifically planned to honor the new addition (oops), and this might get my relatives to back off about when exactly I'm making my own contribution to the family line.

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Top comments

Shouldn't be passing a baby around at a party anyway, it's not a joint

Well you won't be holding that baby for a while.


Well you won't be holding that baby for a while.

Kyle1dc 17

Funny story at the family reunions though...

23 not only is the whole plot twist thing played out, that made no sense

OP a baby's not a ******* 'IT'!!!!! As shocking as it may sound to you they have gender even in the womb. YDI

Until they can walk and talk, they're definitely "IT"s. They're strange and evil creatures. Avoiding eye contact is always a good idea. Seriously, they just avoided a gender pronoun on an anonymous website, get a grip.

Damn 33, who pissed in your cheerios this morning? OP deserves it because they called the baby an "it?" I'm not sure I get your logic.

I think you're right, 3, since I may not get invited to any more family gatherings for a while! My cousin and his wife are understandably pissed, so my major plans are lying low and apologizing after the tension's worn off some.

@42 I know right! Barfing and pooping everywhere. Mooching off you until they're 18, plus needing school supplies. You just got supplies last year! Baby's need to get out and contribute to society more, get a job (insert baby's name here). (Before anyone has a hissy fit this is a totally sarcastic comment)

@49 I'm sorry your family didn't have a good sense of humor about the slip up. personally i was pretty much of the same mind that you are for a long time. I'm about to have one of my own now so I've been having to get over being uncomfortable about holding babies. personally i would have laughed it off and cracked a joke about it, but i guess others can be overly sensitive. Babies aren't for everyone!

octinate 17

Buy them some supplies and toys for the baby and they'll forgive u

I was able to get out of holding my boyfriend's nephew when he was born by shaking the whole time I was holding him. I hate holding children (especially newborns), and I had already declined the offer to hold him, but out of pleading and begging, they placed him into my hands, anyway. Unfortunately, I started panicking; luckily, they took him from me before I could potentially drop him. I never realized it was so offensive to pass up an offer to hold a kid.

Don't listen to them baby, you can be an it if you want to!

@23: That's an alternate universe, not a plot twist.

mentallizzard 19
Scubanaut 13

I love how OP is referring to the baby as "it".

I think OP referred to the baby as 'it' for the sake of privacy and anonymity. Or OP isn't exactly a fan of babies and it doesn't matter to him.

Plot twist, the baby ends up as sloth from the goonies

I'm wondering the thought process in how you would manage to say that and think something so different

I'm wondering the same thing! What I said was definitely closer to how I actually feel about babies, but I've successfully managed to keep that sentiment from new parents before.

"I'm not going to lie; I despise children. There, I've said it."- Frank Underwood, House of Cards

I don't see how you possibly messed up that badly, but it gave me a good laugh. I'm sure your family will forget about it :) Now you have a story to tell your cousins baby when it grows up!

Dreamsorrow93 24

Eh they are aliens. No buggy.