Miscellaneous: Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I... - FML

24/08/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 592

You deserved it 42 346

Dementia or hate? You decide

Late term

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

27/08/2010 09:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 542

You deserved it 4 967

11/04/2012 16:25 - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 887

You deserved it 41 822

03/10/2012 03:33 - United States - Manassas

Today, while working, a woman complained that she didn't ask for sauce on her sandwich. After examining the sandwich, I realized it was just melted cheese. When I told her, she threw the sandwich at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 188

You deserved it 1 814

04/10/2014 03:08

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying "It's for my acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 697

You deserved it 5 100

14/08/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 560

You deserved it 20 332

01/04/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 895

You deserved it 62 978

09/05/2014 18:44 - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 928

You deserved it 3 882

20/06/2011 07:43 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 739

You deserved it 5 139

19/10/2018 17:30

Today, I discovered that my dog knows how to lock doors. This wouldn't have been a problem if anyone in my house every carried a key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 309

You deserved it 602

Headphones are a health hazard

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 16:01

Today, only some excellent security footage stopped me being arrested after I bumped into a young girl while looking at my phone and her mother, an Uber Karen, accused me of sexual assault and an off-duty woman police officer tackled me to the ground before I'd even took off my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 101

28/12/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 824

You deserved it 7 017

08/11/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 909

You deserved it 6 567

16/10/2018 12:00

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 529

You deserved it 516

15/02/2016 01:57 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 485

You deserved it 3 285

11/08/2014 15:02 - United States - Louisville

Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 184

You deserved it 3 652

27/07/2010 07:46 - Canada

Today, I was walking towards a group of guys playing basketball, who stopped and stared at me while saying, "Daaaamn..." As I passed them, one of them said, "She looked hotter from a distance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 178

You deserved it 5 133

03/01/2016 14:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 057

You deserved it 1 918

08/01/2014 05:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 704

You deserved it 28 922

20/02/2013 13:54 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 931

You deserved it 8 449

26/08/2014 21:46 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Tuzla

Spicy

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 606

You deserved it 6 625

How sweet

By Birdman - 23/06/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 646

You deserved it 755

14/03/2016 04:32 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 723

You deserved it 2 293

21/03/2015 05:36 - United States - Mendham

Today, my sister shot my dog with my airsoft gun. When I told my parents, she put on the fakest sobbing I've ever heard, said she didn't even know how to use a gun, and that she saw me shoot my own dog. They believed her and think I need psychiatric help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 813

You deserved it 2 375

20/10/2014 03:48 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 285

You deserved it 4 923

Bad, bad mom

By Anonymous - 03/03/2021 02:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Spicy

Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 83

17/09/2013 04:36 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 064

You deserved it 98 879

01/11/2009 00:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 052

You deserved it 3 160

11/09/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 396

You deserved it 18 036

03/06/2010 18:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 950

You deserved it 26 427

29/09/2014 15:42 - United States - Springfield

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 358

You deserved it 6 638

22/05/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 142

You deserved it 8 883

09/09/2015 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 243

You deserved it 24 601

08/06/2011 11:22 - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 324

You deserved it 3 810

28/06/2012 16:53 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 489

You deserved it 5 631

12/06/2012 11:58 - United States - Gorham

Spicy

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 173

You deserved it 9 086

03/08/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 817

You deserved it 6 134

08/03/2012 19:15 - Canada

Today, I'm participating in a 30 hour awareness-raising event on famine in Africa. I'm supposed to hand out leaflets to people from my booth. My school decided to hand out a literal crate-load of free cupcakes right in front of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 418

You deserved it 3 181

17/05/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, while I was driving, I saw my driving instructor from high school walking on the sidewalk. As I waved to him, I rear-ended the car in front of me. Guess I really showed him how much I learned from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 910

You deserved it 31 665

That one friend who changes once they're in a relationship

By Anonymous - 25/06/2021 13:01 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Spicy

Today, my best friend and my brother are in love. I've been her friend for 10 years, and she’s an absolutely horny whore. She treats me like shit 25/8 now. If I hadn't become friends with her, they wouldn’t have met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 215

Accusations

By cosmonaut - 07/08/2009 09:18 - New Zealand

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 842

You deserved it 71 090

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:09

Pretty big fuckup, EH SON??? Still worth a good laugh though.

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:10

Heroes is about as good as herpes, maybe people will somehow make the connection anyways. Anyways I'm sure that if you just type oops and then explain everything you will be fine, not too big a deal.

Comments

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:09

Pretty big fuckup, EH SON??? Still worth a good laugh though.

unfortunatelee 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 0:12

Heroes is a terrible show and I'm only replying to #1 so this gets seen.

spoo 24

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 0:16

unfortunatelee , we know you hate herpies. You may want to check, I think there are support organizations out there for people in your situation. Remember, if you can haggle it down to $5, you probably are only getting what you paid for

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:29

your gay for replying to #1 to get seen

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:48

This is one of the rare FML's I actually laugh out loud at.

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 22:54

Heroes is english no by NBC

Brak_Spaceman 19

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Thursday 27 August 2009 15:36

Your spelling sucks ball sack.

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Friday 28 August 2009 3:17

i know right lol i nearly bust out

Rejectofsociety9 0

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Sunday 20 June 2010 12:02

OP deserved it for liking the series finale of Heroes.

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 7:17

proofread mother fuker

vampire_rising 0

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:18

lol

I_lost_the_game 25

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Tuesday 6 March 2012 21:54

123- I find it ironic, since you spelt fucker wrong.

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Saturday 31 March 2012 17:44

Wtf

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:10

Heroes is about as good as herpes, maybe people will somehow make the connection anyways. Anyways I'm sure that if you just type oops and then explain everything you will be fine, not too big a deal.

curryndricegirll 0

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Monday 24 August 2009 18:27

you don't even have to do that. you can go to your profile and then click remove and then no one can see it any longer

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 14:53

good call

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:10

i moderated this. but i clicked no. its not a fuck your life. its actually funny to those who have a sense of humour.

GrapefruitZoe 0

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Monday 24 August 2009 16:50

I would say yes because a lot of the time, people want to laugh at FMLs.

Shadow_Phantom 26

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 0:17

They probably worded it that way to specify what it was. =|

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:38

#27 Some douchebags really do talk like that! In one of my classes, this guy once said "I once caught an episode of the UK's Doctor Who."

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Friday 9 November 2012 2:55

That's kind of the point of FML... To share dumb stories like this and laugh at them.

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:13

HAHAHAHAHAHA

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Tuesday 25 October 2011 6:05

According to my pokedex, it's a troll!

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:17

LOL. Funny!!

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:20

Yeah, cos no-one will assume that you were joking... You would have been better to leave it up

curryndricegirll 0

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Monday 24 August 2009 18:29

well...if they didn't...i guess that says something about the OP, doesn't it?

KirstieeJadee 0

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:28

bahaha, man that sucks. at least you didn't say "i love my herpes." that would've sucked even more. HAHAHA

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:29

That's why you double check your post before letting the world see it.

NA88 0

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:33

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THIS FML WAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAH u maade my day man! its the best FML yet

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Monday 24 August 2009 12:39

Lol this is a really funny mistake but tbh people make their facebook status things like that all the time just as a joke, so it's more of a YDI!

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 319

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 599

You deserved it 69