Intimacy: Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German....

By Xanadu - 16/04/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 492

You deserved it 5 785

Intimacy

Walk the line

Such a rewarding career

Big boss man

By Rainbow92 - 19/08/2009 23:43 - Bulgaria

Today, I decided I need help, so I confessed to my mother that I'm bulimic. After she looked it up online she started screaming at me for "Wasting food that I'm not paying for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 951

You deserved it 11 416

By "ravensarepurple" - 31/12/2018 02:00

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 390

You deserved it 265

By KidJwal - 28/02/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 448

You deserved it 6 933

By The_failure - 18/04/2019 20:00

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 671

You deserved it 602

By stupid - 24/11/2014 19:21 - United States - Middleton

Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 210

You deserved it 8 097

By ashley - 30/04/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 186

You deserved it 28 536

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 12:44 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I've spent nearly three weeks indulging my boyfriend's weird fetish, where he wears a hockey mask and I call him Jason. He just confessed it isn't really a fetish for him and that was just fucking with me. He's already told all his friends. I'm humiliated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 051

You deserved it 4 643

Heavy sleeper

By unlucky - 27/09/2020 10:49

Today, I had a migraine. I decided to wear earplugs to block out sound while I slept. I don't usually wear them because they hurt my ears like nobody's business. The one day I wear earplugs, I get robbed. In the middle of the day. Through my own bedroom window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 119

By gracie511 - 29/01/2019 12:00

Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 518

You deserved it 494

By Username - 04/02/2011 08:11

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 912

You deserved it 81 265

By "Auburn_flame" - 27/03/2019 00:00

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 323

By Savy - 08/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 983

You deserved it 845

By jhftrainer23 - 05/08/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 749

You deserved it 2 847

Hand sanitizer

By sexlube - 01/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

I agree, your life sucks 1 515

You deserved it 889

By CA19oo - 16/01/2012 03:08 - United States

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. When they started playing my favorite song I whipped out my video camera and sang along. As I was reviewing the video later, I realized that I couldn't even hear the band over my horrible singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 671

You deserved it 42 445

By Mr.Viola - 20/06/2010 06:42 - United States

Today, my future father-in-law, a respectable New England gentleman, bought me an $8,000 viola and bow for our engagement. I was so surprised that I spit a glass of wine from a 60 year old bottle all over his custom-tailored suit. He was not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 877

You deserved it 13 774

By ForeverAlone - 20/05/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 087

You deserved it 8 278

By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - 13/04/2016 01:45 - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 345

You deserved it 4 441

ACAB

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 491

You deserved it 646

Creepy

By Dummy - 10/11/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 574

You deserved it 16 006

By ohgawd - 08/10/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 856

You deserved it 2 818

Crazy best friend

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 18:00

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 579

You deserved it 701

By Anonymous - 31/05/2010 12:14 - Australia

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 460

You deserved it 6 902

Hi mom!

By jonnie - 07/05/2020 02:00

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 2 048

By queenbitch - 20/04/2015 01:39 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I pulled up to a red light. My ex was in the next car, and my car's windows are so tinted that you can't see through them, so I flipped him off. I was driving my mom's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 848

You deserved it 30 574

By NotALady - 15/12/2016 22:20

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 344

You deserved it 1 614

By Falling off the wagon - 09/11/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 381

You deserved it 3 549

By jack s.b. - 14/11/2013 22:15 - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 922

You deserved it 16 371

By ohhhgross - 26/10/2009 18:32 - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 189

You deserved it 5 324

Can't stop, won't stop

By Matt8 - 07/12/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 339

You deserved it 2 093

By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 342

You deserved it 3 021

By dream1334 - 02/06/2012 23:28 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 132

You deserved it 9 644

By karebear - 09/09/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 607

You deserved it 4 626

By nuttedthefout - 28/04/2011 13:16

Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 546

You deserved it 9 606

By Matt - 29/08/2010 04:53 - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 684

You deserved it 5 017

By Mia - 20/08/2014 06:07 - United States - Astoria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 221

You deserved it 7 221

Making connections

By Anonymous - 18/04/2021 03:00 - Canada - Bedford

Today, my dad and I finally found something we have in common, after 12 years of barely talking with each other. We're both extremely suicidally depressed and we were both molested as kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 86

By PukinFireman - 17/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 076

You deserved it 5 084

By thatonekid - 27/07/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my best friend told me she was pregnant over the phone. While in the middle of telling her congrats, she told me it was with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 366

You deserved it 3 531

By slim_breezy - 04/06/2016 07:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 405

You deserved it 2 438

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Top comments

XxNinjaDaytonaxX 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:15

Ouch that sucks. But couldn't you mute the sound or edit it out?

afdude87 6

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:18

haha. hopefully the teacher thought it was hot and gave you an A.

XxNinjaDaytonaxX 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:15

Ouch that sucks. But couldn't you mute the sound or edit it out?

Nimmrodel 11

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:18

Or wait till she finished and record it then.

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:21

she should thank her sister, now she's gonna have the best video in the mix, hands down....

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:29

oh boy that's awkward..

violetdabomb 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 15:10

D: Das ist nicht gut...

aquariusangel420 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 16:15

EWW FYL BLAST MUSIC IT HELPS

nutsackmuscle 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 17:48

or you could knock on the door and ask her if she insist on being a perv then do it in German.

freelove_fml 2

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Sunday 17 April 2011 5:00

What's "perv" about having phone sex?

TroII 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 7:18

I can haz video?

afdude87 6

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:18

haha. hopefully the teacher thought it was hot and gave you an A.

020266t 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:18

win

mmmskittles 3

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:59

du hast, du hast mich

sourgirl101 28

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Saturday 16 April 2011 15:19

"You got me" God, I love to google things! (:

six6six6six6 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 18:59

Du hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt.

Ukeee_X 19

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Sunday 17 April 2011 8:35

Funny how i'm wearing my band-tee-turned-sleep-shirt as I read this. ;)

Jrefinne 7

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Monday 18 April 2011 7:23

If you truly loved Rammstein, you'd know it's spelled with two M's. And to the person who used google translate, gtfo.

Nikkel09 1

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Tuesday 12 November 2013 1:23

It's you hate me. Not you got me

RinnieRiot 9

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:22

PHONE sex... Wow.

DropDead77 11

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:29

who does that these days right!?

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:35

you'd be surprised ..

Wheredidgrungego 12

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Saturday 16 April 2011 15:00

Actually it's hotter than you might think. Like it seems stupid, but I highly endorse it :D

SkoalThugz 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 15:59

phone sex is actually bomb, who wants to touch a vagina? id much rather listen about whats being put in one

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Saturday 16 April 2011 16:27

lmao @ SkoalThugz XD That made me laugh :P

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Saturday 16 April 2011 17:47

me and my boyfriend had phone sex often because we lived in different states

staceysgenesis16 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 18:03

haha yeah phone sex ..

BelleElle_fml 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 20:56

One time while I was sitting in the common room of my brother's dorm, this guy walked in really pissed because he just found out that his girlfriend cheated on him with his friend. So he told everyone to gather round and then called his girlfriend (who didn't know he had found out) to have extremely raunchy phone sex with him. He muted the phone on his side and then turned on the speaker phone so the whole room could hear her. She was a very very dirty girl and got really into it. After that she was known on campus as 'Sarah Swallow' and had to transfer. I thought it was a lame name.

insanesna1l 0

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Sunday 17 April 2011 13:51

hahah thats an awesome story. I don't like phone sex because the random people i call just dont seem to be as into it as me

adrianblackett 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 4:12

hahaha

Jerryeleni 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 20:07

well then you need to get yourself a girlfriend buddy. mine and i have incredible phone sex ;)

Taradactyl_2011 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:00

Well, try living in Texas and your fiancé living in Hawaii for the army. Yea, it sucks horribly. Phone sex is the only way we can do anything like that. And it's only lame if you make it that way, I don't. ;)

ChickenDoggiesWh 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 7:23

that was a great story haha

leader0011 5

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Saturday 18 June 2011 22:01

73 that was awesome

mollyslips 13

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Thursday 30 June 2011 10:02

no ones heard of sexting? its silent apart from the clicking of your keyboard and no one even knows when you're doing it:P

Accept 11

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:23

Just tell them it's the special efx.

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:25

and this everybody is my sex room.....but in German.......

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:25

lol ^^

Miss_Michaela 10

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:26

I bet you people will be asking for copies!

ajfraser 3

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Sunday 17 April 2011 20:48

speaking of that send a copy over my way

EvilPotato 14

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:27

hahaha, epic, well she'll probably give you a "A" for creativity.

teresa96706 29

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Saturday 16 April 2011 20:14

ewww.. wtf?

Tony12140 3

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:49

An "A"*

LiznessMonster 9

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Saturday 16 April 2011 12:29

So I suppose it wasn't possible to film another day eh? Or you could've just told her before hand that you're going to film, so that she would realize that anything she says would be caught on tape...just saying, this could've been avoided.....