Health: Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking... - FML

By MrAries - 02/03/2016 11:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking about falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 651

You deserved it 2 303

Sorry…

Open season

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

By FatalxDesire599 - 05/03/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 608

You deserved it 2 794

Mistaken identity

By Guess I was wrong - 16/03/2020 06:23

Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 365

By EyeSeeYou - 02/05/2012 18:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 889

You deserved it 6 906

By Anonymous - 16/03/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 574

You deserved it 16 811

By bear - 21/05/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 895

You deserved it 4 355

Shot

By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 20:13 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 013

You deserved it 29 538

By QueenCee - 02/04/2015 02:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at work, a guy complained about me "touching his fries." At first I thought it was a joke, because he kept smiling, even after I offered him new ones. I realized it wasn't a joke when he threw the fries on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 906

You deserved it 2 513

By Carl - 16/10/2011 12:47 - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 329

You deserved it 2 564

By Lockie - 28/04/2009 09:44 - Australia

Spicy

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 889

You deserved it 6 501

Metal music

By Oopsydaisy31 - 03/01/2020 03:00

Today, my date and I were getting to know each other, and we talked about our favorite music. He's into metal. Trying to impress him, I mention I like metal too. He said his favorite band is “The Gonzorks” and I mentioned that's my favorite too. He looked at me dead and cold and said “Um, actually that band doesn't exist.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 4 500

By anon - 09/09/2013 21:51

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 149

You deserved it 19 525

By homerr123 - 23/12/2013 17:35 - India - Mumbai

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 872

You deserved it 3 222

Bit of both

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 16:01 - Australia

Today, at the age of 30, I was diagnosed with both sciatica and ADHD. I don't know whether to feel really old, or really young. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 58

By anon - 18/03/2011 12:36

Today, I finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that I feel invisible and ignored. To this he said 'You aren't invisible, I mean, look at that nose.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 446

You deserved it 7 664

By Nakdnathan - 16/09/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 984

You deserved it 3 928

Public speaking is terrifying

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 08:08

Today, in an attempt to face my phobia of public speaking, I accepted an offer to read to a group of elementary school students. It went well, until I reached a rather funny part in the book and completely lost my composure with uncontrollable laughter. I don't think I'll be asked to come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 118

By Holly - 29/08/2012 04:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 308

You deserved it 31 632

Judge and jury

By ToxicSiren - 06/02/2021 14:01

Today, I posted a picture to Snapchat about being depressed. My close friend, who I share most things with, made fun of my post. That's the last time I share anything with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 168

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went up front to pay. The lady behind the counter took one look at me, smiled and said "well, now you'll need a hat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 020

You deserved it 2 691

By Greatgrandpa - 30/11/2014 17:29 - Curacao

Today, my only child introduced his new girlfriend to me. He is 36 and has no children. She is 46 and has a pregnant daughter who she is very close with. I don't know if I'll ever be a grandfather, but in any case, my son is going to be one before me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 944

You deserved it 2 826

By Anonymous - 30/03/2011 18:26 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 435

You deserved it 8 276

By CorpseBride - 07/02/2017 04:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 848

You deserved it 2 074

By krissysays - 25/10/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I heard on the news that the average debt one is in when they graduate college is $24,000. I've been in college for one year and my debt is already $20,000. And it turns out that my school's accreditation does not exist like I was told. $20,000 in debt and no college credits to show for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 080

You deserved it 7 734

By Anonymous - 25/02/2011 12:17 - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 791

You deserved it 5 502

By Pooperscooper - 20/07/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 590

You deserved it 6 853

By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 18:48 - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 658

You deserved it 3 648

ur mom gay

By Anonymous - 02/05/2018 01:30

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 225

You deserved it 681

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 028

You deserved it 4 816

By Thorin - 25/01/2010 21:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 378

You deserved it 6 653

By Anonymous - 08/08/2019 12:00

Today, I found out I'm starting to get varicose veins, typical in older people who don't move enough. I'm 34 and I get 9 hours of exercise a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 139

By Anonymous - 25/10/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 265

You deserved it 4 111

By jalisc512 - 21/08/2014 20:16 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 367

You deserved it 5 487

By gotnogame - 31/01/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 013

You deserved it 37 854

Deliverude

By omfgwhywhywhy - 22/03/2020 19:18 - United States

Today, I had to take a delivery to a known hoarder. I was braced for the sight of the house, but not the naked fat guy and the smell of dead cat when he answered the door. To top it off, they didn't even tip me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 116

Just in case

By [email protected] - 25/12/2019 20:00

Today, a customer threatened to kick my balls in if I didn’t give her a hot chocolate. I had already explained to her that it wasn’t working. She’s a regular so anytime I see her now I cover my balls just in case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 165

By life// - 08/01/2013 23:56 - Canada - Fort Mcmurray

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 595

You deserved it 5 172

Play 4′33″ by John Cage

By NonPianoMan - 26/08/2021 16:01

Today, after I'd told this girl I’m seeing that I play piano to impress her, it turns out her father is a pianist and has a grand piano in their house. Tonight, I’m supposed to go to her place to play her my "favorite piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 960

By ewwww - 06/04/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 293

You deserved it 3 390

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 23/02/2020 01:00

Today, after suffering with anxiety and insomnia for a nearly a year and exhausting every natural remedy I could think of, I finally went to go to a doctor for help. Instead of writing me a prescription, he told me to drink more tea and think happy thoughts. I had to pay out of pocket for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 972

You deserved it 213

Todd is fine, and you?

By blind_date - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the third person. Seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 847

You deserved it 6 403

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:11

Oh, sweet Sleep. You have evaded me for so long, and my desire for you has overwhelmed my faculties. I can only hope that my indecent but uncontrollable reaction to your proximity bears you no offense.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:09

Melatonin. It is a godsend

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:05

How does that even happen?

Movel 17

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 6:18

Well, I can only speak for myself, but when I'm so tired I have problems staying awake, I get random boners really often. It can be really annoying.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:09

Melatonin. It is a godsend

thestoryofacaleb 14

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 5:05

Probably accidentally took Viagra and didn't notice...

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 9:15

I second this. I use melatonin myself and does wonders to help me sleep. Besides, its natural.

clawstrophobic 15

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 14:43

Actually, it's really bad to rely on melatonin every night. If you're that sleep-depraved all the time, and it's not related to stress from school/work/kids, it would be in your best interest to talk to a doctor

Send a private message

Monday 7 March 2016 20:30

the cherry one works the best! takes 10 min for it to kick in for me. then off to lala land

hardcorefan16 22

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:10

That's weird

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:11

Oh, sweet Sleep. You have evaded me for so long, and my desire for you has overwhelmed my faculties. I can only hope that my indecent but uncontrollable reaction to your proximity bears you no offense.

Send a private message

Saturday 5 March 2016 0:41

This is so beautiful it brought a tear to my eye?. Like some Romeo and Juliet type of forbidden love.

nealatmasfu73 15

Send a private message

Saturday 5 March 2016 8:55

This made me laugh more then the OP's fml!!!

Dale_shackleford 13

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:12

Roofies and chloroform are going to be your new best friends.

igg125 30

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:16

Think about sleeping, not sleeping with someone.

booze_n_bitches 35

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 0:42

Why are you still up?! Go! Go make sweet love to your mattress and finally lay to rest in its warm and welcoming embrace.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 1:05

I do that every day.

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 2:08

Pretty sure that's not normal...

SecundusSecunda 27

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 2:27

In Soviet Russia, sleep bones you.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 11

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 2 344

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 195