Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from... - FML

By 12345678 - 31/12/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

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Boom, headshot

Not gonna happen

Non-baby fever

By this is impossible - 5/1/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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By Kathleen Verhaegen - 30/4/2020 20:00

Lava lamp

Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML

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By Notcheating - 3/12/2019 18:00

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo.

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By FoodyFood - 19/3/2012 04:59 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 17:07 - United States

Today, as always, I have a type of eczema that flares up when I'm stressed out or anxious. And today, the girl I've been in love with for 4 years asked me out on a date. We meet up in a few hours, and right now I look like I have smallpox. FML

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By How can you f*** up that bad!? - 17/2/2017 15:51 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By Kim - 22/3/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 03:21 - United States - London

Outdoorsy

Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML

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By anonymous neighbor - 30/1/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

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By Mars - 29/4/2009 09:40 - United States

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

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By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

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By anonymous - 22/10/2014 02:11 - United States - Levittown

Today, I fell asleep on the couch. My parents didn't wake me up, went to bed and set our burglar alarm. If I trip a motion sensor, a siren will go off. The motion sensor in my living room is pointed directly at me and I have to pee. It's been 2 hours. FML

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By ditzen - 7/12/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my paycheck at the convenience store I work at. While there, two frat boys came in and bought seventeen 30 packs of beer. That comes to about $300. They spent more at the store in one day than I get paid in two weeks. FML

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By joyness - 20/12/2012 14:49 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I was sleeping on an airplane. I dreamed that I was running my hands up and down my friend's leg sexually to creep him out. I woke up and I realized that I was running my hand up and down the leg of the old man sitting next to me. FML

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By KtSue - 12/11/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my mom has officially lost 100 pounds due to a lap-band surgery. After sharing her excitement, she also shared her troubles. She said, "Everything hangs now, even my cooter. Can they fix that?" Thank you for the mental image, mom. FML

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By Anna - 20/1/2019 16:00

Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 13:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had to politely nod and say "Ah okay..." as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML

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By Unsatisfied - 16/12/2009 06:15 - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

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By sarahc_c - 8/12/2014 09:17

Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

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By Say Cheese - 22/8/2011 17:19 - United States

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

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By goodbyepromotion - 30/8/2013 06:28 - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By BeautifulDisastre - 23/12/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

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By paulcorrea95 - 21/9/2019 06:07 - United States

Boozing on the job

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

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By VetTechStudent - 25/10/2018 15:30

Today, I had to get a pre-exposure rabies vaccine for school. My boyfriend thinks I'll give him rabies and refuses to let me sleep in the same bed with him or initiate sex. I need two more shots over the next 3 weeks, which means sleeping on the couch for a month. FML

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By thatgirl247 - 11/9/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

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By a_dani365 - 6/7/2015 21:37 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

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By parkinglotslayer - 11/6/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 06:00

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

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By Told_You_So - 9/7/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

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By Kailey - 28/10/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was moving into my new house. While trying to turn on the light in the bedroom, I realized I couldn't reach the string on the fan. I got a chair, climbed up, reached over, and fell badly. While writhing in agony on the floor, I looked over to see a light switch on the wall. FML

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By Eagle - 26/1/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, my mother urged me to "get over this lesbian thing and give me some grandkids." In front of my girlfriend of eleven months. FML

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By Today - 29/9/2019 16:08

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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By benjavel71 - 10/1/2017 11:13 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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By stood-up - 12/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 14:00

Nice neighborhood

Today, after my ex broke up with me, I threw out all the clothes he’d bought me before, which was basically my entire wardrobe. Anyway, this creepy guy who lives a few blocks away seems to be wearing my old clothes and waves my bras and panties at me. It’s gross and creepy. FML

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By Ruby Lore - 20/7/2017 00:31

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

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By victimboi - 5/6/2009 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a taxi home from work. Only having notes in my wallet, I told the taxi driver that I'd run inside my house and come back out with the change for the journey. He agreed, but only if I left my bag as collateral. It seemed fair. An hour later, I realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By CatofSteel - 5/3/2017 22:00

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By peace_lost - 29/6/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing with our eyes closed. Stumbling, we reached the couch and dropped our bodies, her on top of me. What I didn't know was that her kitty, Elvis, was napping. Elvis was very angry. FML

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Top comments

By Starfire22 | 5

#747056 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:56

It's sad that your ex was the one apologizing, not your own sister...

By Slimma | 20

#747084 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:17

Someone certainly has a high opinion of themselves. I mean really thinking that he's messaging you on facebook just so that he can beg you to take him back. Pfft get over yourself. Just for having an ego like that you deserved that message.

Plus it's two weeks after the break up so he moved on apparently to someone better. Your sister. YDI

COMMENTS

By somethingnew319 | 0

#747041 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:48

dam tht sucks

Reply

Mattfail | 0

#747210 - Thursday 31 December 2010 17:57

YDI for thinking he'd come crawling back to you...

Reply

youreanidiot | 0

#747474 - Thursday 31 December 2010 20:27

agree, ydi, you dump him and expect him to come begging and humiliate himself just so that you can feel better than him, yet think its an FML when he sleeps with someone else. If you don't want him sleeping with someone else, don't dump him, and your sister can make her own decisions.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#747646 - Thursday 31 December 2010 22:05

Women, here's something to remember about guys. If you break up with them, they are NEVER going to come back to you. On the off chance they do, you don't want them. Trust me, you don't. That shows bondage issues.

Reply

lightswitch12 | 0

#749878 - Saturday 2 January 2010 5:26

Amen to that bro

Reply

smaginn | 0

#762089 - Friday 8 January 2010 14:02

Agreed, OP, I am sorry, but YDI for assuming that he'd want you! He said sorry, though, didn't he? He could have avoided it and not told you

Reply

happyhak | 5

#1050921 - Thursday 1 July 2010 8:13

#38 took the words right outof my mouth...OP, you broke up with him, right? So, why is it an FML if your ex sleeps with your sister? To me, he sounds like a player!

By ipwnallmen | 10

#747042 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:49

TIME TO SHAG A SLUT AND MAN WHORE!

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#747053 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:54

time to shag a slut and man whore.....

i find it incredibly hard to believe you "pwnallmen" (pwn all men)

Reply

ipwnallmen | 10

#747090 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:19

LOL!

Reply

ipwnallmen | 10

#747124 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:49

IM so sad for you, 3! you reply to people based on their nick names! it dosent matter if you dont think I pwn all men!! it matters if people get a kick out of it!! lolol kisses!! mwah!

By Starfire22 | 5

#747056 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:56

It's sad that your ex was the one apologizing, not your own sister...

By JManHobbs | 0

#747064 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:00

YDI Why would you get your hopes ip like that? And anyway surely after 2 weeks he's a free man and can sleep with whoever he likes.

By sparkey0127 | 0

#747077 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:12

your a dumbass you can't get mad cause ur sister is better then u. atleast your boyfriend appologised

By tjelsi | 0

#747083 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:16

ousch.....

By Slimma | 20

#747084 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By JustAReaderOfFml | 4

#747100 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:27

ill be honest here. i dont get what the fml is.

By ArthursLifeSucks | 2

#747110 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:34

Hahaha awesome on the guy, wish my ex's sisters would have slept with me, that would have ruled. Revenge sex FTW.

Reply

Indiana_fml | 4

#747257 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:29

Just my thought ^^ That's a definite WIN for the guy.