Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 10:28 - United Kingdom

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

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Does it taste good?

Long story short

Assumptions

By How - 18/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

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By rb - 1/5/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML

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By justplaindumb - 4/8/2016 00:48 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

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By eh - 6/10/2014 19:12 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 12:28 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

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By justin - 13/12/2013 03:08 - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By shanti - 16/2/2014 17:30

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

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By dontplaywithmyfeelings - 3/3/2015 01:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got a new job and told everyone about it. A few hours later, I got an email from the executive saying I actually don't have the job anymore. FML

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By Savannah - 1/8/2011 21:20 - United States

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

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By raspberrysachere - 3/6/2019 16:00

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

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By i fking love docb - 4/11/2012 21:16 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Christiansted

Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was staying at my friend's house, which is next door. Our houses are the same layout, only mirrored, so tonight when I got out of bed in the dark I instinctively turned to my left, thinking I was entering the bathroom, and fell down the stairs. Three of my teeth are missing. FML

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By Peekaman - 15/8/2010 22:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

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By wellgreat - 14/4/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I was in the Student Union when a man a came up to me and asked if I wanted to be in a study to see how men acted differently when working with attractive women. Flattered and taken aback, I agreed. He then told me I would be part of the control group to see how they act around plain looking women. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - 15/2/2013 05:53 - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By mkonda - 10/9/2016 17:11 - India

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me via a Whatsapp group. FML

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By OTZ - 26/1/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 14:00 - United States

Mom hobbies

Today, on a road trip my mom got out to walk her dog. Her jar of Marijuana fell out of the car and rolled across the parking lot. FML

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By Enko - 9/11/2008 07:43 - France

Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. Later on she starts telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. Suddenly she stops and says « Actually I don’t know why I’m telling you this, after all you don’t have a boyfriend! » and walks away. FML

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By poopiter - 27/7/2013 18:31 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

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By reginaphalange - 27/5/2010 14:06 - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

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By impickingyourhomegran - 13/8/2012 22:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

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By BowlofCherries - 22/5/2012 02:48 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML

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By CurtisWogan - 12/3/2014 22:23 - United States - Albany

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

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By eliteslayer29 - 21/12/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I sent my resume to a place where I hoped to work at. Since the job requires me to be doing work on the run, I put on it that I have a laptop. The only problem is that I always thought it was "labtop." I didn't learn the correct spelling until my daughter called me an idiot, she's 6. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 23:00

Incognito browsing

Today, my dad is super overprotective and can view my search history through his phone. I'd downloaded the Google app to be able search for things he wouldn't approve of. I just realized I've been making all these searches on my school account. I go to a private school and they can view my search history. FML

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By RyanJarmanForPresident - 23/11/2012 09:07 - United States

Today, I caught my teenage daughter smoking, and tried calmly explaining to her that it's quite bad for her health. She replied with, "It doesn't harm you if you're under 20." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2013 17:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

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By anamanaguchi - 31/3/2018 01:30

Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By Username - 1/7/2010 04:55 - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By missbutthole - 4/6/2011 13:07 - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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By dimtsis - 29/7/2010 01:24 - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

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By bubblensuds1 - 28/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML

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By ashamed father - 9/3/2014 22:32 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

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By graciegold95 - 6/12/2014 16:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter decided it'd be funny to change the time on my clock. My boss didn't think it was funny. FML

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Top comments

By 2step | 1

#641455 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:04

WTF? Reported and kicked out for farting? Is it some nazi gym?

By FreddyLunch | 0

#641446 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 15:58

"Fancied" is such a British thing to say, I'm glad that you are keeping it British and didn't say you had a crush on her.

COMMENTS

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#641443 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 15:58

You don't have to lie, OP. Just claim it proudly, leave your best SBD (Silent But Deadly) and haul ass.

That'll teach the snitch.

Reply

blastvortex | 3

#641462 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:10

Agreed. Of course, since the old duffer will probably (eventually) do it again, those three will also likely get their just desserts from their own stupidity as well.

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#977413 - Saturday 10 April 2010 20:14

they kick people out for farting?

By FreddyLunch | 0

#641446 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 15:58

"Fancied" is such a British thing to say, I'm glad that you are keeping it British and didn't say you had a crush on her.

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#641900 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 22:26

LOL! YDI for being British.

By duckorange | 0

#641451 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:01

"He who smelt it dealt it"

Reply

wtfismyfml | 0

#641601 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 18:35

said the rhyme committed the crime!

Reply

mcgugs | 0

#962217 - Thursday 18 March 2010 17:08

irony...

By 2step | 1

#641455 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:04

WTF? Reported and kicked out for farting? Is it some nazi gym?

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#641902 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 22:28

LMAO @ #12. They are British...

Reply

Darrus | 0

#642936 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 16:21

In Austria, some guy got fined for farting next to a police officer^^.
I'm not sure if he really had to pay in the end though...

By 956TXking | 0

#641456 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:04

this reminds me of pineapple express... was that a fart.. I can taste it lol

By AdviceDog | 0

#641469 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:13

▒▒▒▒▒EAT FARTS░░░░░
▒▒▒▒█▓▓▓▓▓█░░░░
▒▒██▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓█░░
▒█▒█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█▒█░
█▒▒█▒▒█▒▒█▒▒█▒█
░█▒▒█▒▒░░▒▒▒▒█░
░░█▒█░▒▒█▒▒░█▒░
░░░██░░███░░█▒▒
░░░░█░░█▒█░█▒▒▒
░░░░░░▓▓█▓▒▒▒▒▒
░░░FOR NUTRITION▒▒▒▒

Reply

toink | 0

#641499 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:40

Aww! Cute dog! Here, have a cookie!

By FerrariCake | 2

#641472 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:17

Why would you bend down to pick up weights near an old man's ass? Couldn't you have chosen some other weights?

Sounds like you chose the weights you did so that when you farted you thought you could blame it on the old guy.

By theshow8812 | 0

#641480 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:21

kicked out for farting. that sucks. "When you pick up weights,you fart" that happens. At least it means you have perfect body. lol

By Jewelofagal | 2

#641487 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:25

While amusing, this is not a believable story in many respects. Nice try, though.

By perdix | 29

#641497 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:37

Sherlock Holmes on the case! Have the instructor make the girl smell your ass and the old man's ass. She might have to wedge her nose into your cracks to positively ID the fart. The guilty party must leave.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Reply

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#641531 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 17:16

I am intrigued by your ingenuity, perdix, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Reply

bsias4ever | 0

#641568 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 17:52

ahahahahahahahah...good one!!! lmfao. xD

Reply

koribis | 0

#967225 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 7:30

Made my day. Easily :)