Health: Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old... - FML

27/10/2009 10:28 - United Kingdom

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 535

You deserved it 2 918

Walk on the wild side

Good kid

Slow moving accident

20/04/2016 20:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Spicy

Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 755

You deserved it 2 512

05/05/2009 12:42 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 585

You deserved it 9 017

17/01/2014 23:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 892

You deserved it 6 755

Letting go

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 00:30

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 136

09/03/2010 11:14 - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 217

You deserved it 38 186

15/09/2009 08:13 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 893

You deserved it 34 404

Proper banter

By AnhHung123 - 20/12/2020 16:58

Today, I was on a chat site and a couple of cute guys asked for my "ASL". I had no idea what that meant so I asked one of my cousins. He said it meant "asshole" and that they were calling me an asshole. So I cursed at everyone who was actually asking for my "age, sex and location." FML

I agree, your life sucks 290

You deserved it 1 063

15/09/2011 07:36 - Canada

Today, at my job serving, I went to clear the plates when the guy said, "Hold on a second." Thinking he wasn't quite finished, I went to put the plate back. He then reached in to his mouth, pulled out a dark brown object and threw it on the plate. It was a rotten tooth. I almost puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 567

You deserved it 2 146

22/07/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 023

You deserved it 2 323

17/11/2008 06:02 - France

Today, I took my driving test. I spent 30 minutes with the handbrake on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 421

You deserved it 28 615

28/04/2015 05:32 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, less than a month from our wedding, my fiancé told me that he doesn't trust me and will be cancelling our wedding and new apartment lease if I don't give him all the names, numbers and addresses of my exes. All because I received a text from a wrong number that said, "Hey baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 842

You deserved it 3 981

09/08/2013 14:22 - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 338

You deserved it 15 127

31/12/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 872

You deserved it 9 611

TMI FML

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 06:01

Today, I had to take a photo of my asshole after I sat on a rusty nail, causing considerable pain. Thankfully, no major damage was done. Unfortunately, the photo synced up to my mum's iPad, since it's linked to my Apple ID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 352

24/10/2012 13:09 - United States

Today, after 6 months of training and going to the gym every day, I realized that the only thing I've lost is $300 worth of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 505

You deserved it 5 076

Suffer little chives

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

Today, I found out where the puddle in the basement came from. I thought the freezer was broken, but no. My mom is running what can only be called a death camp for vegetables in there. She buys them, then forgets about them until they turn liquid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 57

09/10/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I got chased, threatened and assaulted by a cab driver because I wouldn't take the credit card receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 957

You deserved it 6 984

16/12/2016 06:03 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, I closed the store on my own for the first time. As I was locking the front door, the key broke. Now half the key is stuck and the door is still unlocked. I have to stay until we open in the morning and I'm not getting paid for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 925

You deserved it 1 045

It'll be a Vlog next

By elliebellie - 21/03/2021 00:28 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my husband forgot to log out of his laptop. Out of curiosity, I checked what was on the screen. It turns out he has his own blog where he shares all the intimate details about our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 181

21/11/2014 00:43 - United States

Today, I dropped my trash into what I thought was a garbage can. My co-workers stared at me like I had just pissed myself. It was a toy collection box for children in foster care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 867

You deserved it 10 838

Ripper

By Pantess at work - 30/03/2021 16:00 - United States

Today, at work, the seat of my pants ripped open. A coworker lent me a pair of his back-up jeans, and then those ripped in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 111

05/11/2011 07:11 - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 699

You deserved it 11 791

21/10/2011 14:55 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 211

You deserved it 4 366

03/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 260

You deserved it 4 804

My ears!

By ANONYMOUS -_- - 15/12/2013 17:18 - United States - Providence

Spicy

Today, I had to go tree shopping with my dad and some of his work buddies. It hit its lowest point when one loudly told us about a crap handjob he got recently. "I mean yeah, choke the cock," he said, "but don't choke it to DEATH, nam'sayin'?" I'd never wanted to just drop dead more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 843

You deserved it 3 526

26/11/2008 04:26 - France

Spicy

Today, as I often do, I had sex in my old car. I'm 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we're still living with our parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 116

You deserved it 13 945

04/04/2016 19:40 - United States - Chesapeake Beach

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 322

You deserved it 5 187

Responsibilities

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 20:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 103

17/02/2010 20:44 - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 356

You deserved it 37 759

27/04/2016 16:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 866

You deserved it 2 161

Noise annoys

By dear god why - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Seattle

Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 905

You deserved it 3 954

PMS PSA

By Ishnar - 02/02/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 783

16/01/2009 12:19 - United States

Today, my boss reeks of mothballs. We share a cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 697

You deserved it 2 008

03/07/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, while riding a roller coaster I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour. As if that didn't hurt enough it somehow managed to survive and fell down my shirt. It crawled around and bit me a few times before the ride ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 709

You deserved it 4 102

10/01/2019 14:00

Today, I submitted an offer on a house. I got a call a few minutes later saying that it had collapsed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 574

You deserved it 187

08/06/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 406

You deserved it 3 808

22/01/2010 22:08 - Canada

Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 835

You deserved it 2 568

08/05/2012 17:57 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 169

You deserved it 3 596

Scratch that

By ouch - 15/09/2019 00:01

Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 100

20/12/2016 18:51 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, my car broke down. My colleague came to get me and then, later, my husband picked me up from work. We went to collect my abandoned car, but it was gone. It took 10 minutes of me panicking and thinking it had been stolen before he crumpled in laughter and told me he'd already collected it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 785

You deserved it 1 053

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2step 1

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:04

WTF? Reported and kicked out for farting? Is it some nazi gym?

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 15:58

"Fancied" is such a British thing to say, I'm glad that you are keeping it British and didn't say you had a crush on her.

Comments

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 15:58

You don't have to lie, OP. Just claim it proudly, leave your best SBD (Silent But Deadly) and haul ass. That'll teach the snitch.

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:10

Agreed. Of course, since the old duffer will probably (eventually) do it again, those three will also likely get their just desserts from their own stupidity as well.

pingpongpickle 8

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Saturday 10 April 2010 20:14

they kick people out for farting?

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 15:58

"Fancied" is such a British thing to say, I'm glad that you are keeping it British and didn't say you had a crush on her.

violentturtle 0

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 22:26

LOL! YDI for being British.

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:01

"He who smelt it dealt it"

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 18:35

said the rhyme committed the crime!

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Thursday 18 March 2010 17:08

irony...

2step 1

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:04

WTF? Reported and kicked out for farting? Is it some nazi gym?

violentturtle 0

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 22:28

LMAO @ #12. They are British...

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 16:21

In Austria, some guy got fined for farting next to a police officer^^. I'm not sure if he really had to pay in the end though...

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:04

this reminds me of pineapple express... was that a fart.. I can taste it lol

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:13

▒▒▒▒▒EAT FARTS░░░░░ ▒▒▒▒█▓▓▓▓▓█░░░░ ▒▒██▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓█░░ ▒█▒█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█▒█░ █▒▒█▒▒█▒▒█▒▒█▒█ ░█▒▒█▒▒░░▒▒▒▒█░ ░░█▒█░▒▒█▒▒░█▒░ ░░░██░░███░░█▒▒ ░░░░█░░█▒█░█▒▒▒ ░░░░░░▓▓█▓▒▒▒▒▒ ░░░FOR NUTRITION▒▒▒▒

toink 0

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:40

Aww! Cute dog! Here, have a cookie!

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:17

Why would you bend down to pick up weights near an old man's ass? Couldn't you have chosen some other weights? Sounds like you chose the weights you did so that when you farted you thought you could blame it on the old guy.

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:21

kicked out for farting. that sucks. "When you pick up weights,you fart" that happens. At least it means you have perfect body. lol

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:25

While amusing, this is not a believable story in many respects. Nice try, though.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:37

Sherlock Holmes on the case! Have the instructor make the girl smell your ass and the old man's ass. She might have to wedge her nose into your cracks to positively ID the fart. The guilty party must leave. Elementary, my dear Watson.

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 17:16

I am intrigued by your ingenuity, perdix, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 17:52

ahahahahahahahah...good one!!! lmfao. xD

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Wednesday 24 March 2010 7:30

Made my day. Easily :)

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 153

You deserved it 34

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 103