Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about...

By Demotivation - 23/08/2013 14:12 - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 909

You deserved it 12 610

Miscellaneous

Late term

BO Central

So compassionate

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 686

You deserved it 6 719

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 02:00

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 954

You deserved it 151

By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - 17/07/2015 17:50 - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 720

You deserved it 2 606

By YAABOIII - 05/04/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 123

You deserved it 8 782

By Big Mouth - 13/11/2018 14:00

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 212

You deserved it 1 195

By Anonymous - 03/03/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 531

You deserved it 2 734

Insurance is a scam

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 05:01

Today, you’re required to have health insurance in my country. I have no income, I spend more on insurance than on food, yet most of the treatments that actually help me are not covered by the insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 68

By nicknack22 - 01/02/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 626

You deserved it 5 894

By Anonymous - 20/03/2014 02:43 - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 113

You deserved it 6 954

Golden child

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 07:30 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I found out my junkie brother broke into my home, and stole mine AND my children's belongings whilst we were on holiday. I rang my mother to vent, only for her to blatantly defend him and insist I got it wrong. We caught him on camera, and now I'm being scolded for even thinking he would do such a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 68

By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - 19/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 296

You deserved it 4 479

By disgusted - 29/03/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 824

You deserved it 5 318

By jillydark6609 - 19/09/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 235

You deserved it 14 218

By Eli - 14/01/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 707

You deserved it 3 630

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 714

You deserved it 2 706

By Anonymous - 10/03/2013 22:37 - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 102

You deserved it 4 358

By ReluctantAntEater - 21/08/2014 21:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 987

You deserved it 3 561

By Clumsy - 18/04/2019 18:00

Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 346

Jaws 2: A Pig in the City

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 02:03

Today, after a childhood of battling bad teeth and cavities, I'm an overzealous brusher. I found out that I have cavities in all quadrants of my mouth from over-brushing, which will need multiple appointments to fill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 203

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 08/07/2020 17:00

Today, my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 529

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 005

You deserved it 2 795

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 907

You deserved it 5 868

By Shameonme - 26/10/2008 16:04 - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 559

You deserved it 61 041

By qwerki4 - 28/10/2015 19:29 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was coming home from work and saw an old couple overwhelmed by the number of people at the train station. It was peak hour and I decided to help them. As I went up to them, they said, "Get away, go mug someone else". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 047

You deserved it 1 666

Witnessed

By heathen atheist - 17/09/2020 10:01

Today, during a family road trip, my mom decided to spring a surprise conversion on us. This included screaming bible verses, blasting crazy gospel music and sobbing that we needed to repent before we’re all condemned to hell for eternity. She did this for 4 hours straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 213

By anonymous2.0 - 12/10/2012 06:15 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 221

You deserved it 3 633

Heavy traffic

By Anonymous - 16/03/2021 14:00

Today, I have severe endometriosis and it's severely damaged my bowels. I was on a bus, and we got stuck in a traffic jam. The bus was delayed by 40 minutes and whilst I was stuck on it, I pooped myself. An old lady gave me a shawl to hide the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 64

By Imretarded - 24/05/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 846

You deserved it 13 534

By nochance - 05/03/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I received a card in the mail. It was from my vet's office. Written inside was "We send our sympathy during this trying time." I haven't been home in three days. I can't find my dog and my mother won't talk about it. My dog was 7. She hated that dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 532

You deserved it 2 734

By iSamsung - 06/03/2016 14:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to make new friends, so I sat with the lonely guy at lunch. Now he keeps following me, with his phone in a camera position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 676

You deserved it 2 475

By Anonymous - 31/05/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 598

You deserved it 34 298

Money, Ethan

By Anonymous - 27/06/2021 08:01

Today, I felt like working out again since it’s been a while. When I was done and talking to my wife about how good I felt afterwards, my 3 year-old came and patted my stomach and said, "Baby in there, baby in there." Yes, I feel so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 134

By higagram - 10/09/2010 03:15 - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 762

You deserved it 5 340

Treat your pets properly!

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 19:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 819

You deserved it 155

By BrillianceSucks - 05/04/2013 00:10 - Canada

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 188

You deserved it 12 421

By Anonymous - 14/02/2019 16:35 - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 827

You deserved it 7 922

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 13:15 - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 441

You deserved it 6 878

By Anonymous - 22/03/2012 06:40 - Australia - Saint Marys

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 805

You deserved it 38 484

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 158

You deserved it 2 923

By Anonymous - 03/12/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, my parents insisted that despite the fact I've just turned sixteen, I have to save them money by ordering from the children's menu, because I "still look like a twelve year old". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 665

You deserved it 4 095

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Top comments

shutupmichaela 18

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

I agree, your life socks. (Anyone? No? I'll let myself out.)

AnOriginalName 19

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

Just walk away, OP. Just walk away.

chris4u2nv5 19

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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michaelaranda 28

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:23

Rascist.

michaelaranda 28

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:24

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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michaelaranda 28

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:26

Oh damn. I misspelled believe. Im going to stop commenting now.

The_9th_Doctor 18

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Friday 23 August 2013 20:08

lmao. thanks for that.

ADOG2645 17

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Monday 9 May 2016 14:36

Lol, the comment that says he will stop us the one that gets upvoted.

AnOriginalName 19

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

Just walk away, OP. Just walk away.

K410 18

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Friday 23 August 2013 20:19

Geez looks like even women don't understand women lol.

rocker_chick105 31

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Saturday 24 August 2013 0:21

Men don't understand women. Women understand women and that's why we hate each other.

starile 19

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Saturday 24 August 2013 3:23

Women see the stupid shit women write about other women on FML. And then they cry some more.

shutupmichaela 18

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

I agree, your life socks. (Anyone? No? I'll let myself out.)

AnOriginalName 19

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:45

It was good pun until that whole "I'll let myself out" thing.

Ziggyboo 10

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:17

Yeah, I agree, 7. 3's fame is feeting! Eh? Eh?

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:19

She just got caught up in the feet of the moment, as most pregnant women do. Don't worry OP she toes you meant well. Good luck on the socks.

The_9th_Doctor 18

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Friday 23 August 2013 20:09

Booo. get off the stage.

Jake_Hale 7

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Friday 23 August 2013 22:03

LOL oh my gosh so funny!

threer 30

Saturday 24 August 2013 1:23

LOL oh my gosh we noticed!

JasonUMN 15

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

She's just overly emotional because of the baby- she'll get over it soon enough and be grateful for your knitting.

bluehero 17

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

That's an odd way to tell her you've knitted plenty of socks lol

worldclassrager 39

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:45

Are you referencing to twins?

Ziggyboo 10

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:19

No. To a birth defect that would cause one baby to have more than two feet.

worldclassrager 39

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:24

Ah...I would remove my comment if I could...

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 23 August 2013 20:06

Well, that would have been a good save for OP if she had thought of it.

SlapAndTickle 20

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Friday 23 August 2013 20:28

I'm assuming 'heavily pregnant'

worldclassrager 39

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Friday 10 January 2014 19:14

That's true...too late I would think...

rvnclwprfct731 13

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:46

Ahhh. Pregnancy hormones.

thehumanlyhuman 7

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Saturday 24 August 2013 4:52

Pregnancy is just puberty making an encore appearance for 9 months. Gotta be ready for anything!

laya_fml 26

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:46

Octopus baby?

BluKatz 11

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:10

Hentai.

misscalimar 10

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:19

Lol same thought ^

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Friday 23 August 2013 19:36

Stewie.

SMHsohard 22

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Friday 23 August 2013 20:24

Considering she said "heavily pregnant" my first thought would have been more along the lines of Shetland pony or Great Dane.

rosenkrieger223 21

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Friday 23 August 2013 22:53

Octopus baby gives a whole new meaning to the octo-mom thing.

Henge 6

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Friday 23 August 2013 23:32

well... gotta be prepared for all possibilities

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Saturday 24 August 2013 4:22

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD YOU MADE ME LAUGH? I THOUGHT I WAS DYING

FimogenFeels 14

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:46

It's probably her hormones. Sorry OP!

Pstraka6 20

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Friday 23 August 2013 18:48

That would not cross my mind to even say that, but I would try to make it up to her with some gloves possibly, minus the fact that you'd be set even if it had a 'few extra hands'