Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about...

By Demotivation - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Commando

Season finale

By nixwolfwood

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By fuckcops - United States

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

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By alix - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

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By manoloonfire - 21/12/2020 15:04 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Thanks, dad

Today, I'm a MD who graduated with honors. I can't work right now because I'm preparing myself for the medical residence exam. I want to be a cardiovascular surgeon. My dad is ashamed of me and treats me like shit, because I don't work and I'm 26 years-old, living with my parents while I'm studying. FML

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By bbbeast - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me if i started smoking, I gave him a big speech about how I never have and never will. Two hours later he finds my stash of cigarettes under my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML

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By Kyle - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

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By nostamp - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

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By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 20:58 - Philippines

Life imitates art

Today, my hypochondria is getting worse. I think it's because of watching too much Grey's Anatomy. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to give me my Christmas present early because he's going to his grandparents' house for Christmas and won't see me. I was excited, until I unwrapped a sweater that I left there a month ago. FML

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By Chub - United States

Today, the door to my daughter's room became jammed and wouldn't open while she was in the room. Being resourceful, I grabbed my ladder and climbed up to her window, only to end up stuck in her window. I'm not sure what was worse, getting stuck, or being laughed at by my neighbors for a while. FML

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By Irritated - United States - Muncie

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

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By KKimrae_ness - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

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By tawan - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By latter - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my grandpa came over to help paint our house, as we are renovating it. The only paint clothes he decided to wear were his underpants. The neighbours and builders found this quite amusing. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my boyfriend threw a fit because I "still" live with my mother at age 30. I bought her an apartment in my building and hired a live-in nurse because she is senile and permanently bedridden. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML

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By Anonymous

Cool

Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita

Today, I decided to look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

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By Elgrin - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I woke up to something crawling on my leg. Thinking it might be a spider, I jumped out frantically to check. The good news: it's not a spider. The bad news: it's a bedbug. My apartment was just treated for them. FML

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By hating labels - Australia

Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML

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By herzausstein - Belgium

Today, I took the train home. When seated, I suddenly noticed something wet on my seat. Without looking, I thought it was water since it was snowing outside. Guess again. It was vomit. FML

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By awkwardpanda

Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML

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By Sleep Deprived - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on the bus, a man in his late 30s sat next to me. After a moment, he turned to me and said with a wink, "You must be ovulating, I can smell your vagina." FML

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By charpanda007 - Hong Kong

Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

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By WTF Lady?

Rod Stewart was wrong

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 08:02 - United States - Rockaway Park

Almost there, we're almost there…

Today, I was rushing to walk home because my stomach was upset. I dodged multiple people, getting closer and closer, got my front door open, got up my stairs, and then lost control of my bowels on the top step. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

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By screwed - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML

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By lateralligator - Canada - Whitchurch-stouffville

Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML

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By pleasebackintomycaragain - Canada

Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML

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By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

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Top comments

By shutupmichaela | 18

#5640382 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

I agree, your life socks. (Anyone? No? I'll let myself out.)

By AnOriginalName | 19

#5640381 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

Just walk away, OP. Just walk away.

COMMENTS

By chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5640377 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

michaelaranda | 28

#5640461 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:23

Rascist.

michaelaranda | 28

#5640466 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:24

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

michaelaranda | 28

#5640469 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:26

Oh damn.

I misspelled believe. Im going to stop commenting now.

The_9th_Doctor | 18

#5640543 - Friday 23 August 2013 20:08

lmao. thanks for that.

ADOG2645 | 17

#6601085 - Monday 9 May 2016 14:36

Lol, the comment that says he will stop us the one that gets upvoted.

By AnOriginalName | 19

#5640381 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

Just walk away, OP. Just walk away.

K410 | 18

#5640562 - Friday 23 August 2013 20:19

Geez looks like even women don't understand women lol.

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5640776 - Saturday 24 August 2013 0:21

Men don't understand women. Women understand women and that's why we hate each other.

starile | 19

#5640946 - Saturday 24 August 2013 3:23

Women see the stupid shit women write about other women on FML. And then they cry some more.

By shutupmichaela | 18

#5640382 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

I agree, your life socks. (Anyone? No? I'll let myself out.)

AnOriginalName | 19

#5640389 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:45

It was good pun until that whole "I'll let myself out" thing.

Ziggyboo | 10

#5640445 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:17

Yeah, I agree, 7. 3's fame is feeting! Eh? Eh?

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5640451 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:19

She just got caught up in the feet of the moment, as most pregnant women do. Don't worry OP she toes you meant well. Good luck on the socks.

The_9th_Doctor | 18

#5640544 - Friday 23 August 2013 20:09

Booo. get off the stage.

Jake_Hale | 7

#5640681 - Friday 23 August 2013 22:03

LOL oh my gosh so funny!

threer | 30

#5640816 - Saturday 24 August 2013 1:23

LOL oh my gosh we noticed!

By JasonUMN | 15

#5640383 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

She's just overly emotional because of the baby- she'll get over it soon enough and be grateful for your knitting.

By bluehero | 17

#5640385 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:43

That's an odd way to tell her you've knitted plenty of socks lol

By worldclassrager | 39

#5640388 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:45

Are you referencing to twins?

Ziggyboo | 10

#5640448 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:19

No. To a birth defect that would cause one baby to have more than two feet.

worldclassrager | 39

#5640463 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:24

Ah...I would remove my comment if I could...

RedPillSucks | 31

#5640536 - Friday 23 August 2013 20:06

Well, that would have been a good save for OP if she had thought of it.

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5640575 - Friday 23 August 2013 20:28

I'm assuming 'heavily pregnant'

worldclassrager | 39

#5823319 - Friday 10 January 2014 19:14

That's true...too late I would think...

By rvnclwprfct731 | 13

#5640393 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:46

Ahhh. Pregnancy hormones.

thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5641058 - Saturday 24 August 2013 4:52

Pregnancy is just puberty making an encore appearance for 9 months. Gotta be ready for anything!

By laya_fml | 26

#5640394 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:46

Octopus baby?

BluKatz | 11

#5640434 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:10

Hentai.

misscalimar | 10

#5640452 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:19

Lol same thought ^

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5640488 - Friday 23 August 2013 19:36

Stewie.

SMHsohard | 22

#5640568 - Friday 23 August 2013 20:24

Considering she said "heavily pregnant" my first thought would have been more along the lines of Shetland pony or Great Dane.

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5640730 - Friday 23 August 2013 22:53

Octopus baby gives a whole new meaning to the octo-mom thing.

Henge | 6

#5640752 - Friday 23 August 2013 23:32

well... gotta be prepared for all possibilities

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5641002 - Saturday 24 August 2013 4:22

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD YOU MADE ME LAUGH? I THOUGHT I WAS DYING

By FimogenFeels | 14

#5640395 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:46

It's probably her hormones. Sorry OP!

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5640398 - Friday 23 August 2013 18:48

That would not cross my mind to even say that, but I would try to make it up to her with some gloves possibly, minus the fact that you'd be set even if it had a 'few extra hands'