Understandable

Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

Lonely, so lonely

Today, I woke up and realized that the "nice dream" I'd had was just about talking to people. FML

Leave me alone

Today, I was taking phone calls. In my dreams. That's just how horrible my job is. FML

Drugged?

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

You sleep in your pants?

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

Today, I had a dream that I kicked the moon like a soccer ball. It started swearing in my boyfriend's voice. That part wasn't a dream. FML

Panic in the sheets of Luton…

Today, I had a dream in which I was having a panic attack. When I woke up, I was actually having a panic attack. Double the fun. FML

Party animal

Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML