Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML
Today, I was feeling frisky and my boyfriend was playing a video game in the living room. I started dancing in front of the T.V. with only my panties on, to which he responded, "You're every gamer's nightmare." FML
Today, after a long and stressful week, all I wanted was some time to myself with a few beers and a good video game. My girlfriend apparently disliked this, because she started blasting Cardi B, ran the vacuum behind me, and poured my beer down the sink when I used the bathroom. FML
Today, my new wife and I got home from our honeymoon, and not an hour later she'd sat me down for a talk, saying, "Now that you're married you've got to act the part and give up this silly nonsense," then banned me from seeing my friends, playing video games, and basically everything else I ever enjoyed. FML
Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML
Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML
Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML
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Top comments
moop256 10
Your wife sounds awesome
upyourzlolz 11
"slowly, slowly, he slid in me. Then he passed out. But I kept *******." Yup.
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Comments (133)
xoxPatrina 8
This is why women & alcohol don't mix well...
eatsleepjb 8
I don't think alcohol mixes well with anything..it's not like this kind of thing hasnt happened with a man before
bizarre_ftw 22
You're married to Roseanne on crack, her period, and infused with MacDonald's, PCP, and dragon DNA? Put her on display and say it was an arranged marriage
Glidefedt 6
*Insert whipping sound* Your wife is awesome, now make me a sandwich.
711Jellyfish 1
when you said she grabbed your controller I was thinking ..... XBOX!!
melayupower 2
OMG, your wife sounds amazing and awesome ! You should be happy she is not an "ordinary" wife dude ! ;p
van_helsing 6
I surely hope the computer is in the kitchen. Your wife wouldn't be happy to know you left the kitchen.
KnucklesDeep 5
It's when your wife is making her apology, with a huge hangover, is when you should tell her you want a divorce. No way I'd keep someone like that as chain around my ankle.
merrilln 7
so? guys do that shit all the time. what's wrong with a girl doing it?
ImaginaryFoe 1
What kind of men are you dating? If my husband completely disrespected me like that when my co-workers were over, we'd have serious talks until we landed in counseling or divorce court. Turnabout isn't fair play - fair play is fair play. Why be with someone if he won't treat you well and if you don't care enough to treat him well?
Socalledproblem 5
I fell off my bed laughing at that. WIN!
kp4294 2
Wow...who wears the pants here? She sounds pretty awesome to me. Haha