Intimacy: Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

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Grow up

By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Not a good look

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

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By badeats - United States

Thanks

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

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By Downinthedumps - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

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By Omega

Today, I was sitting outside while my dad was mowing the lawn. He ran over a hornet's nest with several now-angry hornets. He escaped unscathed. I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

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By seriously

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Alg

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity. When he saw blood, he panicked and started crying, convinced that he was bleeding out. FML

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By ohno - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

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By laywer_man - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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By Female - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Office life sucks

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

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By poor teacher - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

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By igiveup - Australia - Sydney

Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

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By Lackadaisical - United States

Today, I thought I'd be safe by looking before crossing a one way street unlike I normally do. Too bad I looked the wrong way and didn't see the car that hit me. FML

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By sydneyp3435 - United States - Boerne

Today, I started my job at a kids summer camp. The first little girl to arrive told me to close my eyes and open my hand because she had a "surprise" for me. Yep, a dead, decomposed sparrow covered in all sorts of bugs sure is a surprise. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

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By hatemyluck - United States - Bronx

Today, my boyfriend was showing me photos on his iPod when he came across a photo of a half-naked girl. He tried to play it off by quickly changing it, only to reveal even more half-naked girls. FML

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By Sean - Canada - L'assomption

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

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By oh shit - United States - Palatine

Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

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By kappaomicron - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

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By australian6196 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

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By notalcoholic - Philippines

Today, my roommate gave me a self-help book on alcoholism for my birthday. He's an alcoholic. I gave him that book around 8 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

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By Username - Singapore

Today, I was put in lockup for accidentally scaring the officer by lifting my hand to scratch my head. FML

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By Nicole - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 14:06

Little wins matter

Today, after our Christmas plans got cancelled because of COVID, to make ourselves feel better we made travel plans somewhere else, which also turned into a red zone the night before our departure, we are now going out for breakfast as our highlight of the year. Thankfully they are open. FML

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By burrrito_ - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

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By IHateMySister - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous

We're up all night to not get some

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

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Top comments

By alexandriababyy | 0

#624145 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:18

watch porn

By perdix | 29

#625499 - Sunday 18 October 2009 12:55

YDI for not being resourceful enough to know how to use household appliances to relieve sexual frustration. Especially when you have a neighbor that puts on demonstrations.

COMMENTS

By Bananaaa_fml | 0

#624120 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:09

awwww :P lol, u kno im always here if u want to learn wat it sounds like again :D

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#624245 - Saturday 17 October 2009 11:45

LMAO.
FML, the new internet dating site. ;D

Reply

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#625155 - Sunday 18 October 2009 3:02

LOL it should be aye, that would be funny

Reply

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#626426 - Monday 19 October 2009 0:47

yea thats what im thinking :P

By Bananaaa_fml | 0

#624126 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:11

im joking btw

By alexandriababyy | 0

#624145 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:18

watch porn

By 604 | 11

#624167 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:35

HahahaHAHAHAhahahaha

By NathanKett | 0

#624285 - Saturday 17 October 2009 12:29

YDI for liking a sweaty dick up the ass

Reply

cbdee | 8

#3359988 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 11:15

LMAO!!

By bosshaug | 0

#624360 - Saturday 17 October 2009 14:54

I agree with nathan his logic is just so reasonable

By danis_fml | 12

#624375 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:22

have you even done it with someone else?

Reply

lahp | 0

#624439 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:11

no. he has done it with a hoover (vacuum) that is why he got confused :D

Reply

petergurll | 0

#1768576 - Monday 29 November 2010 16:29

OP is a girl

Reply

cbdee | 8

#3359992 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 11:16

Hahahahha!!! Poor poor vacuum!

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#624451 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:26

...did I really need to know that??

By Kill2BU | 0

#624574 - Saturday 17 October 2009 18:21

You need to get out more and meet more people.

By Aj_teh_cool | 0

#624853 - Saturday 17 October 2009 21:48

so?