Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20868

You deserved it

4452

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Supply and demand

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34005

You deserved it

2597

Tweet

Share

By ouch - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26753

You deserved it

3176

Tweet

Share

By Bernadette

Today, I was entering a guy's number into my phone, and I couldn't remember his name. Embarrassed, I tried to be sneaky and asked, "Can you spell your name for me, please?" His name is Bob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11118

You deserved it

30503

Tweet

Share

By why... - United States

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28948

You deserved it

3086

Tweet

Share

By jelrid - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9842

You deserved it

3893

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44079

You deserved it

4690

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my fiancé spent three hours arguing with his mom about how Scientology is a cult followed by simple-minded asshats; she shouted at him saying Xenu will come and fuck his shit up for not believing. This woman is going to be my children's grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25015

You deserved it

2511

Tweet

Share

By NotThatButton - United States - Missoula

Today, I accidentally deleted my landlord's pictures of his child's graduation, girlfriend, daughter and vacation when he asked me to delete a video off his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13387

You deserved it

21426

Tweet

Share

By justcomesnaturally - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7430

You deserved it

34490

Tweet

Share

By captfml - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12255

You deserved it

27626

Tweet

Share

By momoftheyearedition - United States - Landenberg

Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25501

You deserved it

2326

Tweet

Share

By silentbutdeadly - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend. His dog, Baxter, has a bad farting problem. I decided it would be okay to let a silent fart out and blame the dog. Baxter was outside when I blamed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9966

You deserved it

77436

Tweet

Share

By n77 - Switzerland

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38081

You deserved it

3560

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58153

You deserved it

3413

Tweet

Share

By Ouchhh - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29807

You deserved it

4465

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46264

You deserved it

7728

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Nampa

Today, I took my binder on a short road trip two hours away from my home, so that I could study for my upcoming finals. When I got home, I realized I that had left my binder all the way there, containing my notes, classwork, homework, finals notes, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11912

You deserved it

3731

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53676

You deserved it

4895

Tweet

Share

By Confused lesbian - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4357

You deserved it

278

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Mozambique

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34568

You deserved it

7148

Tweet

Share

By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20934

You deserved it

3366

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12121

You deserved it

42547

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34562

You deserved it

3536

Tweet

Share

By jennabean - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66743

You deserved it

4591

Tweet

Share

By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62881

You deserved it

9892

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1982

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By NOOOOOO - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26058

You deserved it

2462

Tweet

Share

By NotASquirrel - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20743

You deserved it

1279

Tweet

Share

By mbesameh - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43617

You deserved it

6226

Tweet

Share

By auto boogie man - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23886

You deserved it

2079

Tweet

Share

By KayIsKiwi99 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7348

You deserved it

16065

Tweet

Share

By camzzz - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12144

You deserved it

47442

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33352

You deserved it

9764

Tweet

Share

By boyfriendless - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66754

You deserved it

6139

Tweet

Share

By lifedamntough - Singapore

Today, I took a shower after I finished typing an important essay I've been working on for days. My computer illiterate mum shut the computer down when I was gone, without saving a thing. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for "wasting electricity". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31118

You deserved it

64819

Tweet

Share

By poserpilot - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37388

You deserved it

6603

Tweet

Share

By newlyneurotic - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3988

You deserved it

323

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16304

You deserved it

2090

Tweet

Share

By potatoehead178 - 28/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Fairfield

I should?

Today, while I finished my business with my girlfriend, she asked if I used Viagra. I replied, "No I never use Viagra." She responded with, "You should." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2019

You deserved it

356

Tweet

Share

By Anonymoosey - Canada

Relax

Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35135

You deserved it

5274

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By alexandriababyy | 0

#624145 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:18

watch porn

By perdix | 29

#625499 - Sunday 18 October 2009 12:55

YDI for not being resourceful enough to know how to use household appliances to relieve sexual frustration. Especially when you have a neighbor that puts on demonstrations.

COMMENTS

By Bananaaa_fml | 0

#624120 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:09

awwww :P lol, u kno im always here if u want to learn wat it sounds like again :D

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#624245 - Saturday 17 October 2009 11:45

LMAO.
FML, the new internet dating site. ;D

Reply

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#625155 - Sunday 18 October 2009 3:02

LOL it should be aye, that would be funny

Reply

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#626426 - Monday 19 October 2009 0:47

yea thats what im thinking :P

By Bananaaa_fml | 0

#624126 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:11

im joking btw

By alexandriababyy | 0

#624145 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:18

watch porn

By 604 | 11

#624167 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:35

HahahaHAHAHAhahahaha

By NathanKett | 0

#624285 - Saturday 17 October 2009 12:29

YDI for liking a sweaty dick up the ass

Reply

cbdee | 8

#3359988 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 11:15

LMAO!!

By bosshaug | 0

#624360 - Saturday 17 October 2009 14:54

I agree with nathan his logic is just so reasonable

By danis_fml | 12

#624375 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:22

have you even done it with someone else?

Reply

lahp | 0

#624439 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:11

no. he has done it with a hoover (vacuum) that is why he got confused :D

Reply

petergurll | 0

#1768576 - Monday 29 November 2010 16:29

OP is a girl

Reply

cbdee | 8

#3359992 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 11:16

Hahahahha!!! Poor poor vacuum!

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#624451 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:26

...did I really need to know that??

By Kill2BU | 0

#624574 - Saturday 17 October 2009 18:21

You need to get out more and meet more people.

By Aj_teh_cool | 0

#624853 - Saturday 17 October 2009 21:48

so?