Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

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The best cat

Fear factor

Caught red-handed

By charlie - 10/5/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By pink_cupcakes - 15/8/2009 10:22 - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

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By oceangirl - 8/2/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

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By seriouslywtf - 28/4/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

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By chunderful202 - 24/12/2012 08:46 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

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By laughingflame - 4/8/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

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By MandMandM - 19/7/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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By Username - 29/7/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

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By anonymous - 27/11/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, after spending hours putting up our tree and decorating it, it fell over and shattered the glass ornaments. FML

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By lovebigmacs - 6/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

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By r4inb0wbrit3 - 13/7/2012 07:37 - United States - Townsend

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

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By brokedad - 10/5/2013 01:41 - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

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By ZINGER - 14/11/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

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By dumbass for a flatmate - 3/3/2013 02:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

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By Sasquatch - 2/11/2017 22:14

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 21:40 - United States - Lusby

Today, my boss made me play golf with some executives of a company we're hoping to secure a business deal with, despite me having no golf training. My first swing ended up with me being rushed to the hospital. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 01:26 - United States - Tulsa

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad came in to ask if I wanted the rest of his cake. I'd made it for my cousin's wedding, and spent 2 days preparing it. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2015 07:10 - United States - Queens Village

Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML

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By Noname - 15/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

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By m2k - 20/6/2011 14:59 - Canada

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

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By frustrated - 17/8/2013 22:56 - Ireland - Killarney

Today, after a long and stressful day, I started fooling around with my boyfriend. When we finally got to the main event, I found out that we couldn't, because he'd used all his condoms to make water balloons. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 01:51

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 05:33

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 07:18 - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By DrunkenShopper - 3/9/2012 05:24 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

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By pain - 20/5/2016 04:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2018 12:00 - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

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By thrill house - 25/1/2016 00:57 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

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By johnG - 21/12/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

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By drugsforthugs - 18/11/2014 17:26 - United States - Sierra Madre

Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML

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By Nat3_2020 - 27/1/2015 14:02 - United States

Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML

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By na - 4/2/2009 14:35 - United States

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "I'm bored." FML

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By ahhhboys - 27/11/2010 19:12 - Romania

Today, my boyfriend of six months said he wanted to take our relationship one step further. I thought he was going to ask me to move in. He meant he wanted to fart in front of me. FML

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By faza4327 - 6/4/2011 07:43 - Australia

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

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By ihpgolj - 18/6/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike down a road I know is quite hazardous. Having almost been hit in the same spot the day before, I rode across the intersection very satisfied without having been injured. Until I crashed into the guy front of me and flipped over my handlebars. FML

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By Nachos4lifs - 8/11/2019 01:00

He did not care

Today, after years of pretty much no sex from my long term partner, I admitted I was having dreams about sex with other people. I hoped to get a reaction from him. However, he didn't react at all. FML

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Top comments

By alexandriababyy | 0

#624145 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:18

watch porn

By perdix | 29

#625499 - Sunday 18 October 2009 12:55

YDI for not being resourceful enough to know how to use household appliances to relieve sexual frustration. Especially when you have a neighbor that puts on demonstrations.

Comments

By Bananaaa_fml | 0

#624120 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:09

awwww :P lol, u kno im always here if u want to learn wat it sounds like again :D

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#624245 - Saturday 17 October 2009 11:45

LMAO.
FML, the new internet dating site. ;D

Reply

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#625155 - Sunday 18 October 2009 3:02

LOL it should be aye, that would be funny

Reply

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#626426 - Monday 19 October 2009 0:47

yea thats what im thinking :P

By Bananaaa_fml | 0

#624126 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:11

im joking btw

By alexandriababyy | 0

#624145 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:18

watch porn

By 604 | 11

#624167 - Saturday 17 October 2009 9:35

HahahaHAHAHAhahahaha

By NathanKett | 0

#624285 - Saturday 17 October 2009 12:29

YDI for liking a sweaty dick up the ass

Reply

cbdee | 8

#3359988 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 11:15

LMAO!!

By bosshaug | 0

#624360 - Saturday 17 October 2009 14:54

I agree with nathan his logic is just so reasonable

By danis_fml | 12

#624375 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:22

have you even done it with someone else?

Reply

lahp | 0

#624439 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:11

no. he has done it with a hoover (vacuum) that is why he got confused :D

Reply

petergurll | 0

#1768576 - Monday 29 November 2010 16:29

OP is a girl

Reply

cbdee | 8

#3359992 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 11:16

Hahahahha!!! Poor poor vacuum!

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#624451 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:26

...did I really need to know that??

By Kill2BU | 0

#624574 - Saturday 17 October 2009 18:21

You need to get out more and meet more people.

By Aj_teh_cool | 0

#624853 - Saturday 17 October 2009 21:48

so?