Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I hit her. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML
Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, it was our first time sleeping in the same bed together. She tossed and turned so much, she actually kicked me out onto the floor, so now I have a black eye and a mild concussion. Ta babe. FML
Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML
Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML
Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
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Top comments
BoredomCentral 8
Oh man. That sucks. Well, you managed to piss off two people in one night. Good job.
mannykiddo 3
Today, you are a raccoon.
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Comments (142)
LennyComa 39
Smooth move casanova
cherryllollo 7
maybe he thought it was his girlfriends ass?
mandypandypants 4
What do you tell a bitch with two black eyes? Nothing you already told him twice.
gene818 13
So now you look like a panda. FYL
Poetaster 10
Even a novice would have told the gf anything but the truth on this one. Your FML is not having a brain, the black eyes were a bonus.
cocobulla1 4
Oh yah... "accidentally " :P
SociopathicSmurf 6
A. The first girl is a complete bitch for thinking it is execeptable to punch someone in the face over a tiny ass-grabbing. B. Get a new girlfriend, or just hit it and quit it, because she seriously has some jealousy issues. Feminists don't want equality, they want superiority. That's why whenever they scream and bitch about wanting to be treated equal, they freak out when a guy punches them back. As a female, I have no gender double standards, and as a rational person, I know that sex is purely physically, and it has absolutely nothing to do with love, and that if your girlfriend is going to assult you over this, it's best to get out now. You should really teach her a god damn lesson, in equality, and in reality. The reality is, is that when you punch someone, you get punched back. Please, teach her to stop being such a c**t, grow some testicles, and hit her back.
jumble 12
Sex is not always purely physical. A lot of people only have sex if they actually love the person and want to be closer with them. There's no reason for OP to just hit it and quit it. He should leave because his girlfriend is abusive about something that shouldn't even result in violence. Unless it was a multiple offense in the same day, then someone should really stop that.
icic6772 0
At least you'll look even.
stacianichole 2
Get your panties out of a knot, hooters girl. It is NEEEEVER okay to haul off and punch someone in the face. Its simple assault. And to say a guy deserves more than a black eye for grabbing a girls butt - even if it wasn't by accident...you've got some anger issues. Maybe you can't handle guys drooling over you at your job. Apply at Appleby's?
failsammich 0
for the love of god man what were you thinking?! you lie and say some drunk punched you or something!