Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML
Today, a customer yelled at me so furiously that she sprayed my face with spittle. I had to stand there, smiling and politely explaining that I needed to see a receipt before I could give her a refund. When she finally gave up and left, my boss bitched me out for "provoking the customer". FML
Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML
Today, I took my very talkative toddler to a grocery store. As we passed a woman in an aisle, my kid pointed and said loudly, "Mummy, why does that lady have such a funny face?" I had to awkwardly apologize while my face went beet red. FML
Today, my pregnant wife and I got separated while out shopping. She ended up having meltdown and crying so hard the manager had to call me over the PA. FML
Today, the TV was blaring, the kids were yelling, and my wife was blabbering on in my ear. Overwhelmed, I shouted, "EVERYONE QUIET!" I got a second of blessed silence before my kids started screaming and crying, and my wife threw a tantrum, saying, "I married a psycho!" FML
Today, while in line at the grocery store, I was going over the witty but caustic things I wish I'd said in an argument earlier. Turns out, I was saying them out loud. The cashier gave me a weird look and said, “Are you okay, ma'am?” FML
Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML
Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML
Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML
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Top comments
daviddupree 0
Wait.. What? Lol
RS808 6
@ #8.. I also had to read this FML a couple times before I understood it. The story is pretty much told in reverse, if that helps.
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Comments (64)
doglover100 29
What?
Welshite 40
...and when, where, why, and how. Or you could just read the FML again, and get your answers.
Dory123 9
Honestly, the FML doesn't answer a lot of those questions and most of the time lets the readers hanging.
maebelline12 12
All the other "what?" comments from other readers before you answer your question. Try reading those if you're confused
PipingMouse 14
So...she has anger problems? Good luck with the woman you married OP. Its both YDI, and FYL.
LogicalMembrane 3
Guys, the first sentence (minus the "today") happened as a result of the second story. He was embarassed because his wife was acting like a loon. Yes, it is worded terribly. Hope this helps.
Reeserr 3
I skipped over the semi colon so I didn't understand it at first
okieraider71 4
Bad time of the month for her?
Dory123 9
Just because a woman is angry or upset it does not mean that she is on her period. Sometimes your just in a bad mood just because.
johnny_derp 3
typical sexist comment.
honeybadgerr 9
I'm gonna make a wild guess that #20 is single..??
Stardew 19
When did this become a bad thing? I'm on the list, if this was changed I should have received a memo!
Enslaved 38
Patrón as in tequila? :P hehe ***If what I just said doesn't make any sense, doesn't matter-- 'cause this FML confuses the &£%# out of me anyways!
PrincessPesa 20
I'll get us a virtual round, Enslaved! Perhaps drunkenness will adequately confound our working minds so we can think backwards and recall the future from the present. Whew! My brain hurts.
Enslaved 38
I'm game. (: No training wheels for me. Just pour it down my throat! :D
sportcrazychick4 7
Café Patrón?
rhidiculous 4
She needs a warm bath and a footrub...with a side of chocolate. :) And maybe a little something else to ease some of that tension! wink wink nudge nudge
Rosicles 8
We do not reward bad behaviour.
gracehi 33
Oh yes we do. ;) You've been bad. Very bad. You must be punished.
rhidiculous 4
I agree! But at the same time, there must be an enormous amount of stress on her to cause that blow up...I don't think OP made it sound like this was a normal occurrence, so maybe a little love will help soften her up. If this IS something normal...well then yes, FHisL
gracehi 33
Clean up: Misplaced anger isle 3.
OldMemoriesFade 8
It seems like everybody is getting thumbs down on this one..
DocBastard 40
That's when you turn to the guy next to you and whisper, "Ha, what a ******* loon! I sure feel sorry for HER husband." And then you slowly walk away.
Ajwc101 24
But if she hears you, you don't get sex for the next two weeks.
XxskyelovexX 13
Finally a good comment! And one that doesn't involve "what?" or explaining the fml. Thank you Doc!