Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday... - FML

By Unfortunate Painter - 23/11/2012 02:56 - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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Understandable

Long story short

Tidy your room

By fuck - 18/3/2015 17:40 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By Zinfandel - 7/8/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

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By littlelia - 15/9/2019 14:00

Mirror, mirror…

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

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By Jaime - 31/3/2014 22:05 - United States - New York

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML

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By ice ice baby - 8/9/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By Are you kidding me? - 9/9/2013 20:51 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can pee backwards, while standing directly behind one. FML

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By chiktikka - 14/1/2014 22:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 05:08 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By roflcopter - 19/8/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By Scaredwitless - 28/1/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

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By Cammy - 29/4/2009 07:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed off. I kicked a soccer ball into my wall, and it bounced back, hit my head and knocked me into the wall behind me. My head hurts like hell. Even inanimate objects hate me. FML

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By Ya - 10/5/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

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By SleepObsessed - 5/8/2018 19:00

Today, even though I'm the most neat freak germophobe there is, I was diagnosed with scabies. FML

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By suckerrrrr - 29/5/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's farm with my family. First I was pooped on by a goose, peed on by a puppy, bit in the face by the mother dog, fell through the floor of the barn loft, and without knowing it was electric, rested my hand on the horse fence. FML

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By dwellswithin - 20/7/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

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By didntevenknow - 13/8/2012 15:06 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

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By oh_mylanta - 2/3/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, I came to work, to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

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By badparent - 8/4/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

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By whyme_ss - 20/7/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I went on a rollercoaster for the first time. I sat in the back, which was a bad idea. When it ended everyone in front of me turned around and stared. When I asked my friend what was going on, she said I had been screaming the Lord's Prayer the whole time. I hadn't even noticed. FML

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By ohshit - 7/3/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my fiancé picked which new house he thinks we should live in based on the fact that the bathroom was set up in such a way that he can drink himself in to a stupor, then use the toilet and puke in the sink at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 20:01

Bad guy (duh)

Today, I had to fake enthusiasm when my girlfriend told me she's pregnant. She has a nasty streak and I was planning to break up with her, but if I left her now everyone would think I’m the bad guy. And I actually think she’s capable of killing me if she gets angry enough. FML

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By eggonmiface - 1/7/2018 15:00

Today, I made scrambled eggs. Returning the rest of the carton, I tripped and spilled 10 raw eggs all over the inside of the fridge. The same fridge I spent 2 hours cleaning and scrubbing every drawer and shelf of yesterday. FML

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By gtrs750 - 9/8/2009 13:48 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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By mvgirl - 22/10/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of no where. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look we hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

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By shbaxter - 16/3/2020 06:00

That's nuts

Today, I finally got my car back after it was in the auto shop for a week. On my way home, I started swerving all over the road. It turns out they didn't tighten the lug nuts on one of my wheels properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 22:47 - United States

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2012 22:06 - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 05:37 - United States - Mariposa

Today, I found out that the money that my wife claims went into repairing her car engine actually is going towards helping her pay for a divorce. FML

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By anonymous - 1/10/2013 05:36 - United States - Huntington

Today, I sent my girlfriend a text this morning saying I love you. I rarely do this and instead of receiving the same message back, I got a message from my girlfriend accusing me of meaning to send it to someone else and dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2014 18:45 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By furious at five in the morning - 2/7/2012 12:36 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

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By Whoops - 24/6/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML

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By poorcollegestudent - 30/10/2009 20:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my university bookstore and tried to use my debit card to pay, but got the "Insufficient Funds" notification. I was buying a single postage stamp, which costs 57 cents. FML

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By Spa Catholic - 10/6/2015 12:00 - United States - Taunton

Today, I saw a woman being mugged. I ran up to help and pushed the guy off of her. She then punched me in the face and called the cops because she was, "just living out a fantasy" and I'm, "a lunatic for trying to help." FML

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By rayraydayday - 21/3/2015 04:25 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I only shaved one armpit. FML

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By Julie - 23/11/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML

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Top comments

By CaptNomNom | 17

#5177196 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:00

Just buy one from an art store with no Black Friday sale...then return the Walmart one tomorrow...

By XAnNiHiLaTiOn | 6

#5177295 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:49

Where the hell do you shop?

COMMENTS

By CaptNomNom | 17

#5177196 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:00

Just buy one from an art store with no Black Friday sale...then return the Walmart one tomorrow...

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5177712 - Friday 23 November 2012 16:07

Exactly I don't see this as an FML because u are choosing to go wait in that line when there are other option u can do.. Be smart

Reply

splatterband6487 | 4

#5180415 - Saturday 24 November 2012 10:23

Thy obviously wouldn't be open at midnight, when he needed it.

By lills123 | 7

#5177198 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:00

Dude... Most spray paint cans don't come with a nozzle, you buy them separate

Reply

XAnNiHiLaTiOn | 6

#5177295 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:49

Where the hell do you shop?

Reply

NereidAlbel | 14

#5177313 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:58

Yeah...No. EVERY can of spray paint comes with its own nozzle, at least in the US.

Reply

sjaytee | 6

#5177495 - Friday 23 November 2012 14:28

What planet are you living on?

Reply

GTAmerc | 2

#5177538 - Friday 23 November 2012 14:53

I'm preeeeetty sure his comment was a little thing called a joke?

Reply

cool_story_bro14 | 4

#5177603 - Friday 23 November 2012 15:32

Relax.... He's probably from Canada

Reply

cameron194 | 9

#5177761 - Friday 23 November 2012 16:18

Or u could take the nozzle of a different paint can and use it with the one that doesn't have one.. And just switch it between the two..As far as I know they are able to be taken off the can

Reply

yankfan89 | 27

#5178020 - Friday 23 November 2012 17:46

You are the worlds biggest sucker if you have been buying the spray can and nozzle separately.

Reply

Karalela44 | 15

#5178925 - Saturday 24 November 2012 0:51

21, I'm from Canada and I don't know where the he'll you get your info from...our spray paint cans come with nozzles...

Reply

blackb23 | 1

#5178927 - Saturday 24 November 2012 0:51

21- have you even been to Canada before?

Reply

piratebrains | 2

#5178939 - Saturday 24 November 2012 1:03

.

Reply

call4agoodtime | 3

#5180409 - Saturday 24 November 2012 10:16

Actually... Nicer quality spray paints that are used for graffiti don't come with nozzles as you want different spray patterns and effects. However, I am willing to bet someone just took the nozzle off of OP's can because there wasn't one on his.

By Pretty_Pink_Lady | 10

#5177200 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:01

You're clearly not thinking of the most efficient way to do this, OP.

By glitterxox | 0

#5177236 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:14

Hey relax, how do you think the sales employees that are being forced to work on Black Friday feel? Just borrow some from a kind neighbor or something!

Reply

jjmiller1001 | 17

#5180310 - Saturday 24 November 2012 8:54

oh boo hoo for them!

By perdix | 29

#5177240 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:15

You should just huff another household chemical today and exchange your defective inhaler, oops, paint can, on Saturday, as no one here believes you have an "art project" due the weekend after Thanksgiving.

Nice try.

Reply

glitterxox | 0

#5177252 - Friday 23 November 2012 12:20

FTW Perdix!
Your comments are the best!

Reply

biglittlehead | 12

#5177471 - Friday 23 November 2012 14:12

I have a big ass report in my forensics class in Monday. Big projects happen on long Holliday weekends believe it or not.

Reply

cantgetworse14 | 2

#5177626 - Friday 23 November 2012 15:45

In correspondence university courses they don't seem to care if its a holiday the last 3 holidays I've had assignments due

Reply

perdix | 29

#5177881 - Friday 23 November 2012 17:00

#15, #22, it's OK if you need to use this as an excuse to smoke your weed, snort your coke, drink your hooch or whatever. It's all good . . .

By Tidus0 | 17

#5177325 - Friday 23 November 2012 13:05

I would go to a convenience store that has aerosol cans which you can remove the nozzle and put it on the paint can. What's a couple of dollars on cheap body spray or insect spray just to do your important work?

By perdix | 29

#5177338 - Friday 23 November 2012 13:09

Please let the color of the paint be black.

It would be so delightful that Black Friday would have a unique meaning just for you.

By mdayanah | 0

#5177392 - Friday 23 November 2012 13:27

Just put on another one

By martin_martian7 | 11

#5177401 - Friday 23 November 2012 13:33

Good luck. You will need it.

By doglover100 | 28

#5177459 - Friday 23 November 2012 14:05

Just buy one at Sears or Home Depot.

Reply

sugarshane007 | 20

#5177944 - Friday 23 November 2012 17:21

Oh yeah, like the Black Friday line and experience is going to be so much better there!