Miscellaneous: Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday... - FML

By Unfortunate Painter - 23/11/2012 02:56 - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 724

You deserved it 3 250

Mother of the year

Overreaction

Bunged up

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 14:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 872

You deserved it 45 773

By Smash_Mouth - 08/03/2009 05:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 538

You deserved it 86 723

Jack of all trades…

By Anonymous - 15/01/2021 21:27 - India - Bangalore

Today, I'm a generalist with moderate knowledge of multiple domains, but since I'm not a specialist in any, I'm not getting a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 205

By Rella - 15/12/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 966

You deserved it 1 231

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 06:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 739

You deserved it 6 280

Better Call Saul

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 16:01

Today, despite having the same parents, I'm a lawyer and my brother is a redneck. He called wanting my advice, because he tried to book a prostitute online but when she turned up, she was a Latvian mail-order bride, and he wants me to fix it with my "big city law degree." FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 68

Mama's boy

By vacay no way - 14/07/2021 06:01

Today, I was asking my husband to help me finalize plans for our upcoming vacation. He, however, would rather pout and sulk because I don’t want him to bring his mom along. She’s been with us on our last few trips and it’s hard to get any alone time. I’m considering just going alone at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 127

By GDubeau24 - 05/11/2013 17:34 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 991

You deserved it 2 847

By Mike Messenger - 05/10/2013 13:51 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 601

You deserved it 3 442

By squirty_joe - 08/03/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, at work, I was alone in the breakroom when I got a slight pain in my belly. I thought I needed to pass gas, so I tried since no one else was in there. It wasn't gas. It was diarrhea. I'm wearing a mini skirt today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 196

You deserved it 20 475

By wtfguys - 13/10/2014 08:17 - United States

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 187

You deserved it 3 651

By Anonymous - 02/09/2012 17:34 - United States - Reston

Today, I found out my friend swapped my girlfriend and probation officer's numbers in my phone. My girlfriend is wondering why I asked her permission to leave the country, and my probation officer said she can't wait to see me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 873

You deserved it 4 358

By indefiniteforest - 20/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 132

You deserved it 522

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 21:05 - United States

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 481

You deserved it 6 781

Priorities

By phones - 16/01/2015 17:09 - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 816

You deserved it 9 215

Goddammit, Facebook!

By Anonymous - 28/05/2021 23:01 - Jamaica - Kingston

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he isn't sure about me anymore. He said he saw a quote on Facebook that a guy can be with a girl for 10 years, then leave, and be with a girl for one and marry that girl. Meanwhile, I've been planning on the rest of my life with him in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 097

You deserved it 111

The weirdos are reproducing

By pregz - 25/04/2013 00:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 122

You deserved it 4 375

By Un1ucky - 08/06/2014 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 712

You deserved it 7 418

By spooked - 22/11/2013 06:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 637

You deserved it 3 779

By France Howell - 10/05/2018 15:00

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 754

You deserved it 335

By morphea - 29/04/2015 22:54 - France - Chantepie

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 708

You deserved it 2 657

By WTF, guys? - 26/08/2014 16:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 377

You deserved it 4 135

By hitchhiked - 04/01/2012 06:28 - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 946

You deserved it 85 869

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 07:29 - United States - New Orleans

Spicy

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 731

You deserved it 1 868

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 395

You deserved it 119 030

By GidleyWife - 30/07/2015 17:22 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 314

You deserved it 2 375

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 20:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 483

You deserved it 79 642

By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 105

You deserved it 49 487

By cmac1229 - 23/06/2009 22:52 - United States

Today, I was at a gas station and I went to the bathroom. Thinking some was already in the bathroom, I waited for ten minutes while people lined up behind me only to find out that it was empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 118

You deserved it 51 279

By Anonymous - 17/08/2018 14:30

Today, I called my boyfriend and a woman answered. Turns out, she's also his girlfriend. She broke up with me on his behalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 445

You deserved it 201

By moosemay - 14/01/2016 15:05 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 494

You deserved it 1 800

By shitty day - 30/11/2011 10:53 - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 102

You deserved it 2 418

By jflac - 24/12/2014 12:03 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 872

You deserved it 2 826

By Anonymous - 19/07/2015 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 061

You deserved it 3 885

The joy of newborn babies

By mala_19 - 19/09/2020 14:02 - Sweden

Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 210

By Cheating - 27/01/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 779

You deserved it 3 162

By themanzz - 08/10/2010 12:08 - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 515

You deserved it 8 614

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

By helen_ - 23/04/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year-old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face, "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 365

You deserved it 6 021

Front line workers

By Anonymous - 05/12/2015 03:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my partner and I got called out to a domestic disturbance. Things turned ugly while we were en-route. Long story short, I now know how many grown men it takes to lift a nearly 400lb shit-covered woman onto a stretcher. I almost reconsidered my choice of career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 817

You deserved it 1 736

By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend of a year kissing another girl. When I walked up to confront him about it, he tried to convince the other girl he didn't know who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 241

You deserved it 3 258

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:00

Just buy one from an art store with no Black Friday sale...then return the Walmart one tomorrow...

XAnNiHiLaTiOn 6

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:49

Where the hell do you shop?

Comments

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:00

Just buy one from an art store with no Black Friday sale...then return the Walmart one tomorrow...

amandajlucas2015 2

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Friday 23 November 2012 16:07

Exactly I don't see this as an FML because u are choosing to go wait in that line when there are other option u can do.. Be smart

splatterband6487 4

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Saturday 24 November 2012 10:23

Thy obviously wouldn't be open at midnight, when he needed it.

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:00

Dude... Most spray paint cans don't come with a nozzle, you buy them separate

XAnNiHiLaTiOn 6

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:49

Where the hell do you shop?

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:58

Yeah...No. EVERY can of spray paint comes with its own nozzle, at least in the US.

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Friday 23 November 2012 14:28

What planet are you living on?

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Friday 23 November 2012 14:53

I'm preeeeetty sure his comment was a little thing called a joke?

cool_story_bro14 4

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Friday 23 November 2012 15:32

Relax.... He's probably from Canada

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Friday 23 November 2012 16:18

Or u could take the nozzle of a different paint can and use it with the one that doesn't have one.. And just switch it between the two..As far as I know they are able to be taken off the can

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Friday 23 November 2012 17:46

You are the worlds biggest sucker if you have been buying the spray can and nozzle separately.

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Saturday 24 November 2012 0:51

21, I'm from Canada and I don't know where the he'll you get your info from...our spray paint cans come with nozzles...

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Saturday 24 November 2012 0:51

21- have you even been to Canada before?

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Saturday 24 November 2012 1:03

.

call4agoodtime 3

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Saturday 24 November 2012 10:16

Actually... Nicer quality spray paints that are used for graffiti don't come with nozzles as you want different spray patterns and effects. However, I am willing to bet someone just took the nozzle off of OP's can because there wasn't one on his.

Pretty_Pink_Lady 10

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:01

You're clearly not thinking of the most efficient way to do this, OP.

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:14

Hey relax, how do you think the sales employees that are being forced to work on Black Friday feel? Just borrow some from a kind neighbor or something!

jjmiller1001 17

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Saturday 24 November 2012 8:54

oh boo hoo for them!

perdix 29

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:15

You should just huff another household chemical today and exchange your defective inhaler, oops, paint can, on Saturday, as no one here believes you have an "art project" due the weekend after Thanksgiving. Nice try.

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Friday 23 November 2012 12:20

FTW Perdix! Your comments are the best!

biglittlehead 12

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Friday 23 November 2012 14:12

I have a big ass report in my forensics class in Monday. Big projects happen on long Holliday weekends believe it or not.

cantgetworse14 2

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Friday 23 November 2012 15:45

In correspondence university courses they don't seem to care if its a holiday the last 3 holidays I've had assignments due

perdix 29

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Friday 23 November 2012 17:00

#15, #22, it's OK if you need to use this as an excuse to smoke your weed, snort your coke, drink your hooch or whatever. It's all good . . .

Tidus0 17

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Friday 23 November 2012 13:05

I would go to a convenience store that has aerosol cans which you can remove the nozzle and put it on the paint can. What's a couple of dollars on cheap body spray or insect spray just to do your important work?

perdix 29

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Friday 23 November 2012 13:09

Please let the color of the paint be black. It would be so delightful that Black Friday would have a unique meaning just for you.

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Friday 23 November 2012 13:27

Just put on another one

martin_martian7 11

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Friday 23 November 2012 13:33

Good luck. You will need it.

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Friday 23 November 2012 14:05

Just buy one at Sears or Home Depot.

sugarshane007 20

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Friday 23 November 2012 17:21

Oh yeah, like the Black Friday line and experience is going to be so much better there!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 15

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 23

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 68