Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed... - FML

By FMLFMLFMLFML - United States

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

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Father material

Some winners…

Bad news

By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 21:32 - India

Knock next time please

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

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By Anathema_360 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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By DeepFriedZombie

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

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By zbaby - United States

Today, a little girl at work was coloring a picture that said "Best Dad" on it. Wanting to be nice I asked her if she was making it for her dad for father's day. She looked at me with a sad face and said, "I don't have a dad..." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

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By GLHan - United States - Commack

Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML

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By LowOnGas

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, I was at another long swim-meet, when my daughter shaved 15 seconds off her record swim time. When I asked her how she did it, she replied, "Well someone told me to swim as fast as I can." She's just been taking her time all these years. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Tree trunks

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

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By Chedder - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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By ouch - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

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By Sad Nerd - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By woopwoop - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that myself and the woman in front of me were wearing the same shirt. As she was about to leave, I said to her "Hey! I'm wearing that shirt!" She turned to me and replied, "Not in THIS size you aren't." FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By CierraJordan - United States

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

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By rabbitkiller - China - Wuhai

Today, I went to my boyfriends house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML

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By bdw89 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By Therunawaymoh

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

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By I piss upon thee - United States - Toledo

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

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By Josie Stiger - 19/3/2020 05:00

Denied

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

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By Albert - 26/4/2020 17:00

Useless

Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, the girl I've been dating dumped me after she found out I'm originally from Alabama. Apparently she doesn't want to date someone from a "foreign country". We both live in Michigan. FML

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By mike4444 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By rugernut13 - United States

Today, I went out to start my car to go to work. When it wouldn't start, I popped the hood to see what was wrong. Some kind individual took advantage of the fact that my window doesn't roll up, and stole my battery. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

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By googlefreak54321 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

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By nerderer - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

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By XoxoChula - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

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By mnote - United States - Sapulpa

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

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By The Joker? - United States

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

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By changeddaily - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By Ashley Marshburn - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

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By gottaflossmoreoften - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

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Top comments

By Minorchord | 4

#242927 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:28

Perfectly normal, mature adult behavior. Nothing at all to be concerned about. Not whatsoever.

By heavyop | 0

#242956 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:33

Wait, did he leave immediately after that without saying anything? Cause if he did, he sure knows how to make an exit.

COMMENTS

By Minorchord | 4

#242927 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:28

Perfectly normal, mature adult behavior. Nothing at all to be concerned about. Not whatsoever.

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#974776 - Monday 5 April 2010 23:31

251 LOL there's more than one way to get your hair off...

Reply

coper169 | 0

#3150645 - Sunday 21 August 2011 5:44

C-C-Combo Breaker!!!

Reply

coper169 | 0

#3178862 - Thursday 25 August 2011 22:17

C-C-Combo Breaker!!!

Reply

subiedude08 | 17

#5657893 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 5:35

Shut up

Reply

JJ_86 | 22

#5964588 - Wednesday 4 June 2014 0:57

Yup, very normal. Now I want to grow up and try it too!

By SomeGuy1234 | 0

#242932 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:29

Classy.

Reply

Fizaka | 0

#1002727 - Sunday 23 May 2010 0:15

very classy

Reply

yuop77 | 0

#1018343 - Friday 4 June 2010 1:35

very very classy

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#1136862 - Sunday 25 July 2010 7:42

very very very classy

Reply

mbeasley14 | 0

#2001268 - Monday 24 January 2011 9:35

very very very classy

Reply

palltaru | 0

#2124066 - Friday 25 February 2011 23:30

very very very very classy

Reply

That1GuyUNo | 0

#2874177 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:35

very very very very very classy

Reply

substitutes | 0

#3546649 - Saturday 5 November 2011 20:19

Very very very very very very very classy

Reply

uhhSavage | 22

#5431366 - Tuesday 2 April 2013 6:12

Very very very very very very very very classy.

Reply

nateracecar5 | 6

#6019914 - Saturday 26 July 2014 18:25

Very very very very very very very very very very very classy.

Reply

anonymous100000 | 17

#6152736 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 6:32

that's what to expect when you open your legs for a random dude. js. YDI.

By LiveLoveLife_fml | 0

#242934 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:29

Um......no comment? Freak muchhhhh?

By nativebacon | 0

#242935 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:30

Uh.........

By imlaughingatyou | 0

#242936 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:30

oh attractive.

By Ravemaster7 | 0

#242938 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

That's fucking hilarious. Hopefully it was a ONS, right, OP? lol

Reply

MrsSarcasm | 3

#4607285 - Sunday 24 June 2012 9:17

I'm glad I'm not the only one who found this hilarious. If it was a boyfriend I would laugh hysterically but if it's a stranger and a ONS I would be mortified (but laugh hysterically just thinking about it later)

By AntX2 | 1

#242939 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

Very sexy.

By peanutbutterfly | 0

#242940 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

wow.. i would be... uh.. well, as speechless as i am now

By ymmot | 0

#242942 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

I want to try that now

By gsfgf | 0

#242951 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:32

#6: Even if it wasn't supposed to be, it prob is now.