Intimacy: Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed... - FML

By FMLFMLFMLFML - United States

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

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BO Central

And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 08:01

Impressive

Today, I had a big job interview on Zoom. I forgot my name was set as "Fat F***". I joined the call and the older lady interviewing me was very offended. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, I found my brother sobbing uncontrollably. When I asked why, he told me Melanie was dead. Thinking he was talking about his girlfriend, I offered to take him to a grief counselor. It was there that he told us that Melanie is the name of his horse in Red Dead Redemption II. FML

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By emisara93 - United States

Today, I found out that the insurance that my husband signed us up with for next year doesn't cover any of our doctors. Now we need to find 4 different doctors who take our insurance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By retard99 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

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By theman

Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

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By Anonymous Pillock - United Kingdom

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

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By Nekro_Kat - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By fishingforubies2 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By DookDaSpook - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was in a very important meeting on Skype, my apartment complex was evacuated due to the fire alarm going off. The reason was that my neighbor put a fork in his microwave due to him being extremely drunk. FML

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By poro123 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 14:06

Little wins matter

Today, after our Christmas plans got cancelled because of COVID, to make ourselves feel better we made travel plans somewhere else, which also turned into a red zone the night before our departure, we are now going out for breakfast as our highlight of the year. Thankfully they are open. FML

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By caroline - Germany

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

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By Anonymous

Proud

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

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By Hellasboy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, driving to work, I stop to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honks their horn, so I decide to drive slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pull into the car park and notice the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 21:02 - United States - Kirkland

Just a prank, bro!

Today my brother disconnected my internet and made my task bar disappear. I spent 2 hours trying to fix it, when I figured out I just had to restart the computer. Now I'm a little behind on assignments. FML

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By Annabelle - 17/3/2021 17:01

The step before rat-licker

Today, I got caught sniffing a rat, and now my boss is forcing me to be tested for the black death and is "terrified" that I made everyone sick, and says I may be fired from my job as a pediatric anesthesiologist. FML

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By theultimatesalonfail - United States

Today, a girl came into my salon to permanently straighten her really long and curly hair. After several long hours, I went to the counter to charge her. She ran out faster than an Olympic runner. FML

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By sierraisfucked - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

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By Wellpoo

Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the new year cleanse I was hoping for. FML

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By Snurkles McGee - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

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By Z - Australia

Today, my girlfriend snapped at me for being lazy and incompetent, and declared that if I was going to behave like a child, she would be treating me like one. This includes safety-proofing the house, talking to me like a 3-year-old and slapping me with a wooden spoon when I do something wrong. FML

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By a man - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

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By violet - United States

Today, I was lying in bed minding my own business when my mom entered the room. I was proposed to a few weeks ago by my boyfriend, and my mom came in to tell me that my boyfriend's mom was on the phone. Turns out, he stole the engagement ring from her drawer. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

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By burned

Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced that I am a ghost. He also thinks that I died from burning, "because of your face". FML

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By CaeliLady - United States

Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By theunborn - France - Vic-fezensac

Today, my parents made a list of all the things they could have done had I not been born. FML

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By M.SHUKRI - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By female

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

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By LadyDean - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML

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Top comments

By Minorchord | 4

#242927 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:28

Perfectly normal, mature adult behavior. Nothing at all to be concerned about. Not whatsoever.

By heavyop | 0

#242956 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:33

Wait, did he leave immediately after that without saying anything? Cause if he did, he sure knows how to make an exit.

COMMENTS

By Minorchord | 4

#242927 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:28

Perfectly normal, mature adult behavior. Nothing at all to be concerned about. Not whatsoever.

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#974776 - Monday 5 April 2010 23:31

251 LOL there's more than one way to get your hair off...

Reply

coper169 | 0

#3150645 - Sunday 21 August 2011 5:44

C-C-Combo Breaker!!!

Reply

coper169 | 0

#3178862 - Thursday 25 August 2011 22:17

C-C-Combo Breaker!!!

Reply

subiedude08 | 17

#5657893 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 5:35

Shut up

Reply

JJ_86 | 22

#5964588 - Wednesday 4 June 2014 0:57

Yup, very normal. Now I want to grow up and try it too!

By SomeGuy1234 | 0

#242932 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:29

Classy.

Reply

Fizaka | 0

#1002727 - Sunday 23 May 2010 0:15

very classy

Reply

yuop77 | 0

#1018343 - Friday 4 June 2010 1:35

very very classy

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#1136862 - Sunday 25 July 2010 7:42

very very very classy

Reply

mbeasley14 | 0

#2001268 - Monday 24 January 2011 9:35

very very very classy

Reply

palltaru | 0

#2124066 - Friday 25 February 2011 23:30

very very very very classy

Reply

That1GuyUNo | 0

#2874177 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:35

very very very very very classy

Reply

substitutes | 0

#3546649 - Saturday 5 November 2011 20:19

Very very very very very very very classy

Reply

uhhSavage | 22

#5431366 - Tuesday 2 April 2013 6:12

Very very very very very very very very classy.

Reply

nateracecar5 | 6

#6019914 - Saturday 26 July 2014 18:25

Very very very very very very very very very very very classy.

Reply

anonymous100000 | 17

#6152736 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 6:32

that's what to expect when you open your legs for a random dude. js. YDI.

By LiveLoveLife_fml | 0

#242934 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:29

Um......no comment? Freak muchhhhh?

By nativebacon | 0

#242935 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:30

Uh.........

By imlaughingatyou | 0

#242936 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:30

oh attractive.

By Ravemaster7 | 0

#242938 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

That's fucking hilarious. Hopefully it was a ONS, right, OP? lol

Reply

MrsSarcasm | 3

#4607285 - Sunday 24 June 2012 9:17

I'm glad I'm not the only one who found this hilarious. If it was a boyfriend I would laugh hysterically but if it's a stranger and a ONS I would be mortified (but laugh hysterically just thinking about it later)

By AntX2 | 1

#242939 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

Very sexy.

By peanutbutterfly | 0

#242940 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

wow.. i would be... uh.. well, as speechless as i am now

By ymmot | 0

#242942 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

I want to try that now

By gsfgf | 0

#242951 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:32

#6: Even if it wasn't supposed to be, it prob is now.