Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed... - FML

By FMLFMLFMLFML - 29/5/2009 17:52 - United States

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Nice neighborhood

Whatthefuckaburger

By bieberslayer - 6/12/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

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By Hm - 8/2/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

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By Hungrytoothbrush - 7/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2015 18:23 - United States - Cheyenne

Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML

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By Kere - 3/2/2011 16:42 - Sweden

Today, my phone decided to delete all my numbers. I posted on Facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like I should have their number. I didn't get a single reply. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my sons 3rd grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my 5th story window. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 13:16 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

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By PPP - 14/11/2014 03:39 - United States - Elk Grove Village

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2018 07:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 05:41 - United States - Spring

Today, my boss got mad at me because I told her that I wouldn't be able to work two days out of the week, due to college classes. She then cut back my hours so much that I now only work one day a week. I got the job in the first place to pay for my college classes. FML

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By SGreene - 6/5/2017 20:00

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 03:08 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that the lump in my wrist that keeps getting inflamed and sore is caused by sketching and using my laptop too much. Good thing I'm in my fourth year of studying to become a designer. FML

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By hamandegger - 4/2/2013 20:17 - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

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By what_the_hell - 20/6/2013 08:35 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

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By beateneggs - 2/3/2010 19:57 - United States

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2017 06:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

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By WTF - 14/7/2013 20:08 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By JacktheRussian - 8/4/2013 00:33 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 05:59 - United States

Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

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By LostSoul - 1/7/2019 22:00

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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By dead - 18/3/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

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By fed up - 23/8/2018 23:30

Today, I bought a different car because I was having to constantly repair my old one. On the way home from the dealer, the check engine light came on. FML

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By saddened97 - 20/1/2011 09:39 - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was fingering me. After he left, my mum says to me "I wish my sex life was as interesting as yours." She had walked in and we hadn't even noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML

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By LoveSick - 6/2/2019 04:00

Today, I'm getting married. I woke up with no voice to say my I dos with. FML

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By weave9z - 4/9/2012 02:08 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

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By catattack78 - 21/10/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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By Bella - 15/1/2013 18:57 - United States - Sanford

Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML

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By dmlk - 10/12/2008 11:09 - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

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By notevencatnipworks - 27/8/2018 13:00

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, my girlfriend's cat kept us up from 3:30am crying nonstop. We've tried everything, and even exiled my well-behaved cat to keep him company. Now she cries because she feels she's being punished. Starting around 4am. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2009 13:23 - Australia

Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML

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By sadness - 12/10/2012 02:48 - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

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By lilviss - 11/12/2019 14:00 - Australia

It was yummy

Today, I found maggots in the ketchup on my sausage. Too bad I had already eaten half of it. FML

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By HeatherRosure18 - 25/2/2013 23:04 - United States - Glendale Heights

Today, while at the nail salon, my boyfriend called. Since I was getting my nails done, I had to put him on speaker. The whole salon heard him break up with me. I can still hear their snickering in my head. FML

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By kiwi - 11/11/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

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By HamHanded - 10/3/2017 09:17

Ham-fisted attempt

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

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By nickcedola40 - 4/4/2013 00:24 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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Top comments

By Minorchord | 4

#242927 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:28

Perfectly normal, mature adult behavior. Nothing at all to be concerned about. Not whatsoever.

By heavyop | 0

#242956 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:33

Wait, did he leave immediately after that without saying anything? Cause if he did, he sure knows how to make an exit.

COMMENTS

By Minorchord | 4

#242927 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:28

Perfectly normal, mature adult behavior. Nothing at all to be concerned about. Not whatsoever.

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#974776 - Monday 5 April 2010 23:31

251 LOL there's more than one way to get your hair off...

Reply

coper169 | 0

#3150645 - Sunday 21 August 2011 5:44

C-C-Combo Breaker!!!

Reply

coper169 | 0

#3178862 - Thursday 25 August 2011 22:17

C-C-Combo Breaker!!!

Reply

subiedude08 | 17

#5657893 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 5:35

Shut up

Reply

JJ_86 | 22

#5964588 - Wednesday 4 June 2014 0:57

Yup, very normal. Now I want to grow up and try it too!

By SomeGuy1234 | 0

#242932 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:29

Classy.

Reply

Fizaka | 0

#1002727 - Sunday 23 May 2010 0:15

very classy

Reply

yuop77 | 0

#1018343 - Friday 4 June 2010 1:35

very very classy

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#1136862 - Sunday 25 July 2010 7:42

very very very classy

Reply

mbeasley14 | 0

#2001268 - Monday 24 January 2011 9:35

very very very classy

Reply

palltaru | 0

#2124066 - Friday 25 February 2011 23:30

very very very very classy

Reply

That1GuyUNo | 0

#2874177 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:35

very very very very very classy

Reply

substitutes | 0

#3546649 - Saturday 5 November 2011 20:19

Very very very very very very very classy

Reply

uhhSavage | 22

#5431366 - Tuesday 2 April 2013 6:12

Very very very very very very very very classy.

Reply

nateracecar5 | 6

#6019914 - Saturday 26 July 2014 18:25

Very very very very very very very very very very very classy.

Reply

anonymous100000 | 17

#6152736 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 6:32

that's what to expect when you open your legs for a random dude. js. YDI.

By LiveLoveLife_fml | 0

#242934 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:29

Um......no comment? Freak muchhhhh?

By nativebacon | 0

#242935 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:30

Uh.........

By imlaughingatyou | 0

#242936 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:30

oh attractive.

By Ravemaster7 | 0

#242938 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

That's fucking hilarious. Hopefully it was a ONS, right, OP? lol

Reply

MrsSarcasm | 3

#4607285 - Sunday 24 June 2012 9:17

I'm glad I'm not the only one who found this hilarious. If it was a boyfriend I would laugh hysterically but if it's a stranger and a ONS I would be mortified (but laugh hysterically just thinking about it later)

By AntX2 | 1

#242939 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

Very sexy.

By peanutbutterfly | 0

#242940 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

wow.. i would be... uh.. well, as speechless as i am now

By ymmot | 0

#242942 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:31

I want to try that now

By gsfgf | 0

#242951 - Friday 29 May 2009 22:32

#6: Even if it wasn't supposed to be, it prob is now.