Holidays: Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore...

By Anonymous

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6895

You deserved it

486

Favorite

Holidays

Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Our house, in the middle of our street

By disturbedgd - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It contained the Power Rangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5051

You deserved it

1053

Favorite

By scruffy - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16000

You deserved it

37926

Favorite

By hispanicsmyass - 26/10/2020 16:59 - United States - Cleveland

Dad of the year

Today, my ex thinks he's such a good parent that he is arguing about making up parenting time. Yet our court agreement says he's to be responsible for doctor's appointments, carry health insurance for our child, and life insurance. Plus pay child support. None of which he has followed through on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1034

You deserved it

130

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10783

You deserved it

42231

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Pittsfield

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50242

You deserved it

4736

Favorite

By a hex upon your anus, sir - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the subway with a broken leg. A kind woman stood up and offered me her seat. Before I could sit down, a guy shoved past me and took it for himself. The woman and I pointed out my cast and crutches, and asked him to give up the seat. He responded by flipping us off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58230

You deserved it

3242

Favorite

By trippy

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1303

You deserved it

202

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58030

You deserved it

16844

Favorite

By Professional_Ars

Today, the coworker I have a crush on left halfway through the busiest shift of the week, and now I have to work it alone. I eventually found out that she left to go on a date with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2792

You deserved it

361

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30018

You deserved it

11290

Favorite

By OnCompanyTimeToo - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35199

You deserved it

9303

Favorite

By oface13 - United States

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54107

You deserved it

5917

Favorite

By tay - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45537

You deserved it

2828

Favorite

By sonofawackjob - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4490

You deserved it

249

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

3302

You deserved it

423

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34652

You deserved it

3033

Favorite

By StarWarsGeek - United States

Today, I met a fellow Star Wars fan. We began enthusiastically talking about how almost no one our age knows the good old classics anymore. I was referring to the original trilogy; she was talking about the ones with Jar Jar Binks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42562

You deserved it

7107

Favorite

By socially awkward - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33169

You deserved it

8869

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72084

You deserved it

7310

Favorite

By Ya - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55144

You deserved it

11576

Favorite

By Emily S - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13287

You deserved it

40293

Favorite

By Jeynna - 8/5/2021 00:01

Through the wall

Today, I bumped into my next door neighbor. She said, "Not for nothing, but I heard you fighting with your boyfriend last night, you're pretty harsh on him." I don't have a boyfriend, I was just drunk and castigating myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

448

You deserved it

685

Favorite

By sirengamer - United States

Today, I was at my job where we buy precious metals. A man came in and said, "Here, I have something special for you." He then pulled a tooth out of his mouth that had dental gold on it and placed in it my bare hand. Yeah, special indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3875

You deserved it

294

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8295

You deserved it

30225

Favorite

By f.a.t. - Australia

Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56498

You deserved it

7754

Favorite

By tammy - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33655

You deserved it

4272

Favorite

By linzl00 - United States - Springfield

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39059

You deserved it

3629

Favorite

By whyme - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56379

You deserved it

4447

Favorite

By Stu - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23600

You deserved it

2754

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42964

You deserved it

5553

Favorite

By evecamp - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21955

You deserved it

5889

Favorite

By amy

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1477

You deserved it

120

Favorite

By Embarrassed - Germany

Today, while having dinner with my boyfriend's family, his mom told me that it looks like I've gained quite some weight. When my boyfriend told her that this was a rude thing to say, she said it wasn't rude, just the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34115

You deserved it

6258

Favorite

By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/7/2020 08:01

Fucknut

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1751

You deserved it

146

Favorite

By Frauded - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33986

You deserved it

3010

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/9/2020 08:01 - United States - San Luis Obispo

FML's OnlyFans

Today, I signed up for my ex’s OnlyFans. She never sent me nudes when we were dating, now she’s selling them to everyone she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

810

You deserved it

1355

Favorite

By love4cheese1197

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1366

You deserved it

228

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 20:00

So special

Today, my boyfriend gave me the best birthday ever, then promptly broke up with me at midnight to get back with his ex, because he "didn't want to ruin my special day." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1778

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By Laura - Paraguay

What's my name?

Today, as they have for the past three years, my boyfriend's parents have never called me by my actual name. They always "accidentally" call me by my boyfriend's ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1718

You deserved it

107

Favorite

By not eyelid - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10028

You deserved it

5461

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#6726720 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:27

I'm interested in seeing what his legs look like...

By momac86 | 17

#6726999 - Saturday 24 December 2016 9:29

Uh no I think THEY need to be painting your walls

COMMENTS

By Crazyjohnb | 23

#6726712 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:14

I hope the new paint job will be to dye for.

Jay18 | 22

#6726722 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:30

maybe he was drunk

By reddevil7 | 1

#6726713 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:14

You do?

By dca101 | 23

#6726715 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:17

Do I want to ask how he managed to pull that off on 3 walls?

By RichardPencil | 30

#6726719 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:21

You've just got some painting to do. Don't you feel sorry for the person who can't take off their new pants?

trucker2 | 33

#6726750 - Friday 23 December 2016 23:13

He's gonna look Purdy Smurfy

By awildwhisper | 30

#6726720 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:27

I'm interested in seeing what his legs look like...

By allygatorkat | 8

#6726723 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:35

Have you tried a Mr clean magic eraser? I've never had a stain on the wall I couldn't remove with one of those.

Colon_Man | 17

#6727070 - Saturday 24 December 2016 14:33

Or, Mr Hammer.

You'll never see the stain again!

By Devolution | 8

#6726736 - Friday 23 December 2016 22:14

How that person managed to get dye on 3 different walls is nothing less than impressive

By Alvey_fml | 0

#6726738 - Friday 23 December 2016 22:20

I bet his legs are dyed worse than your walls. :3

By akka_fml | 3

#6726761 - Friday 23 December 2016 23:31

Use bleach it turns blue jeans color transparent...

By YFOS_fml | 17

#6726764 - Friday 23 December 2016 23:58

use a magic eraser