Holidays: Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore...

By Anonymous

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

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Holidays

Dangling modifier

Serious times

Home Improvement

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

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By girlsgottagotoo - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By Poopalipa - United States

Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML

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By 43_clothespins_later - United States - Richmond

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because "Wifi's all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

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Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By kdmoney - United States

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

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By sunshine19217 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

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By snowmon06

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had a gymnastics meet. I thought I was done with my period, but when I was up on the beam warming up my routine, one of my coaches called me down and told me that I apparently wasn't. My coach goes around asking my teammates moms if they had any pads. My dad caught this all on tape. FML

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By Jodie Zawadzka

Today, Hurricane Ophelia hit. I had been meaning to fix my roof for a while but couldn't get around to it. My roof is now embedded in my car. FML

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By - France

Today, I scratched my cornea and have to wear a large bandage covering my eye. I'm off today, but I'll probably have to wear it to school tomorrow. FML

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By mylifereallyISeffed - Australia

Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By Poolfool

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

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By onlychild - United States

Today, my sister is working on her graduation speech. She gives her thanks to one friend for helping support her through school, like, "The sister I never had". FML

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By ryan - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML

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By FML - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Slumming it

Today, my mum and I were moving the last of  my stuff into my new flat when I heard some creaking. The sound was  coming from the bathroom, so I went to check it out. As I stepped  through the door, the floor collapsed and the bathtub and I fell  right through. FML

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By notsosexygirl - United Kingdom

Today, I was doing my usual routine at the gym which consists of working out on the treadmills right in front of my ex boyfriend to make him feel bad. Whilst doing this, I tried to be cool and do that thing where as the treadmill slows down you turn around and just walk off the end. I fell. FML

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By sneezeattack - United States - Aurora

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

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By ravlol - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

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By Emoney1 - Canada

Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

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By unknown - Philippines

Today, I thought it would be funny to put a few extra spoonfuls of sugar in my co-worker's coffee. He thought it would be funny to throw the boiling hot coffee over my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate, who has bipolar disorder and refuses to take his meds, tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because I threw out his moldy cheese. FML

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By haha - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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By ChangMu - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By anon - United States - Commack

Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML

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By CLH - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

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By MooCow - United States

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

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By HornyWife - 13/6/2020 02:02

Out of order

Today, I'm on my honeymoon. My husband and I cannot consummate our marriage, because his penis has an open wound due to… vigorous masturbation. FML

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By Ihadnoidea - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

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By sylverster - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

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By nofriends - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. The only issue was the fact I didn't have any friends to make it happen. FML

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By Darice - 8/8/2020 05:03

Mom of the year

Today, after years of not speaking with my birth mother, I took a chance and stopped to talk to her when I saw her outside of her house. Five minutes into it, I knew I needed my hair recolored and that I'm out of shape, this all being said by a totally gray haired fat woman. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

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By Lovemynewhaircut - United States - Brentwood

Today, I got a new haircut. I was feeling pretty confident, until coworkers and family members kept making comments like, "I think you gained a little weight", "You look older" and "Do you still like guys?" Apparently, my new haircut changed my waist size and my sexual orientation. FML

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By Mikabe - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

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By could be an fml commenter - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got the chance to speak to some of the top academics in my field. I was so hungover that I couldn't remember the title of the Masters degree I've spent two years studying for, let alone make intelligent comments. I'm pretty sure the only thing I got right was my name. FML

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Top comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#6726720 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:27

I'm interested in seeing what his legs look like...

By momac86 | 17

#6726999 - Saturday 24 December 2016 9:29

Uh no I think THEY need to be painting your walls

COMMENTS

By Crazyjohnb | 23

#6726712 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:14

I hope the new paint job will be to dye for.

Jay18 | 22

#6726722 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:30

maybe he was drunk

By reddevil7 | 1

#6726713 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:14

You do?

By dca101 | 23

#6726715 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:17

Do I want to ask how he managed to pull that off on 3 walls?

By RichardPencil | 29

#6726719 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:21

You've just got some painting to do. Don't you feel sorry for the person who can't take off their new pants?

trucker2 | 33

#6726750 - Friday 23 December 2016 23:13

He's gonna look Purdy Smurfy

By awildwhisper | 30

#6726720 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:27

I'm interested in seeing what his legs look like...

By allygatorkat | 8

#6726723 - Friday 23 December 2016 21:35

Have you tried a Mr clean magic eraser? I've never had a stain on the wall I couldn't remove with one of those.

Colon_Man | 17

#6727070 - Saturday 24 December 2016 14:33

Or, Mr Hammer.

You'll never see the stain again!

By Devolution | 8

#6726736 - Friday 23 December 2016 22:14

How that person managed to get dye on 3 different walls is nothing less than impressive

By Alvey_fml | 0

#6726738 - Friday 23 December 2016 22:20

I bet his legs are dyed worse than your walls. :3

By akka_fml | 3

#6726761 - Friday 23 December 2016 23:31

Use bleach it turns blue jeans color transparent...

By YFOS_fml | 17

#6726764 - Friday 23 December 2016 23:58

use a magic eraser