Money: Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because... - FML

By poorcar - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

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Mother of the year

Thanks guys

Snitches get bitches

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

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By login_eddy - France

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

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By Already Broke Asf - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my 19-year-old brother broke into my dorm and robbed me. When I tried to file a report, my brother went to my parents and told them that he took it because I owed him money on a bet. Guess who lost $92.50. FML

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By HMM - United States

Timewaster

Today, I received a call while at the dispatch station for the Naval hospital I work at. It was a woman having a panic attack. Apparently, she couldn't plug her vacuum in, and was more or less freaking out. I had to take her in anyway. FML

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By DanniRae - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

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By sorethumb - United Kingdom - Bookham

Today, while observing a surgery, I was asked to open a glass ampule of adrenaline. Not only did I break it and get it everywhere, I sliced open my thumb bad enough to need stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I asked my sister what she thought of my boyfriend. She said, "He's nice. Deserves better than you, really." FML

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By notAMrs - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

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By BadLuck - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

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By megaladon - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

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By sydthekid2000

Remember me?

Today, I called my workplace to ask if I was going to be working, and if our store would be open. I was told that yes, we're still open, however, I can order inside, but I can’t sit in the dining room. They thought I was a customer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 17:00

Let it all out

Today, I had too much to eat at dinner. I had to cut sexy time with my husband short because I couldn't do it. I feel bad because it's his birthday today but we stopped. I then proceeded to throw up everything I ate today. FML

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By princeronron - Switzerland - Prilly

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

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By homerde - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

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By pat - United Kingdom

Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML

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By oops - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to stage an intervention for a friend who abuses drugs. I ended up with my hair on fire. FML

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By Anna L. - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Panic attack

Today, I went to donate blood for the first time. When they stuck the needle in my arm, I had a panic attack and begged that they take it out. The woman helping me told me she'd take it out in a moment and left. It was then that the Red Cross stole a pint of my blood while I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 14:02

My precious

Today, I had some flagstones put down to fix a muddy place where my horses stand, in a part of the woods that is only accessible on foot. The flagstones weigh about 30 kilos apiece and you can easily get them for free on the internet, yet someone went to the trouble to steal them. FML

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By Umwhat

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

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By noname - United States

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

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By WhyAppleWhy - United States - Sarasota

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Forney

Today, I was started my week of camping alone in the woods. I took my shoes off to go to sleep, but I had to come out to get water. I stepped on a wasp, and while I was standing on one foot looking at the sting, I realized I was in an ant pile. I'm allergic to both. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the unhealthiest person I know, weighing in at around 350 pounds told me she was now a vegan. I then told her the Cheese-Itz, as well as the leather boots she was wearing wasn't vegan. She said I was wrong. I'm a nutritionist. FML

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By unsuccessful popping - United States - Tappan

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

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By jlw1998 - United States - Dallas

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

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By adopted - United States - New York

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

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By veiny - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my phone stopped charging. I panicked because I can't really afford to get it fixed, and it's too stressful a time at my last semester at university to not have a phone. I took it to the repair shop, and the man turned it off and on again. it works perfectly. I'm a total idiot. FML

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By Oops

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

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By Liam - 6/5/2021 02:01

Gratitude walks

Today, my girl called me a "brainless, insensitive prick" Why? Because I wanted to surprise her with flowers since she’s been on vacation for 3 weeks and I hadn’t seen her. She was badly sunburned. I’d bought sunflowers. FML

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By Bbrooks88 - United States

Today, I finalized my new car purchase after three months on the job at a new company. Two hours later, I was informed that my position has been eliminated. I have two weeks to find a new job or I'm completely screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a homeless man. As we left the train he shook my hand and was seemingly on his way. That was until he caught me greeting my boyfriend, to which he decided to tell the romantic story of how he murdered a man for "getting too close to his woman." FML

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Top comments

By boredinjp | 14

#604876 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:10

Why should this be a FML? You got a car, lucky you!

By Maxine17 | 8

#604862 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:06

What lovely parents you have!

COMMENTS

By godsrightnutsack | 0

#604858 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:05

Haha fyl!
your parents are stupid

Reply

FOOFIGHTERSrock | 0

#604891 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:18

Wow ur parents a sick liars, but they seem awsome!!!!!!!
Oh and by the way how is this an FML??
Ur parents just act poor, that doesn't me u guys are poor...

Reply

FOOFIGHTERSrock | 0

#604897 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:21

Haha I just had to reply to my self again lol....

Reply

AnaMaree | 0

#605669 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 1:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried.

Reply

Gasoares22 | 0

#605905 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 4:07

LmAo datz a gud 1 yo.....datz funny weLL idk wat 2 rLy say but Ur a gud Child i guess LoL

By Maxine17 | 8

#604862 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:06

What lovely parents you have!

Reply

jts924 | 0

#848541 - Friday 12 February 2010 16:29

ewwwww your so ugly

Reply

kindstranger110 | 0

#986607 - Friday 30 April 2010 0:18

agreed

By boredinjp | 14

#604876 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:10

Why should this be a FML? You got a car, lucky you!

Reply

01100110 | 0

#605183 - Monday 5 October 2009 20:10

People just look for things to be upset about and post it on here sometimes.

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#605717 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 1:52

Yeah, I'd take a poor-looking car over no car...

By HBFML | 0

#604888 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:16

At least you have a car. Stop Bitchin.

By 99MDC | 0

#604906 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:27

I hope you didn't let them take your rig.

By im_a_dinosaur | 0

#604921 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:36

get a decent car thn

By M13LO | 0

#604940 - Monday 5 October 2009 16:48

hey now you need a car for the day, borrow their car to look rich

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#605017 - Monday 5 October 2009 17:34

So did they at least let you borrow their car so you could look rich? Who knows - you may get "lucky."

Seriously, though, at least you have a car that works, so please STFU and start cleaning the kitchen.

By ohnomama | 0

#605084 - Monday 5 October 2009 18:36

Tell them to take the bus.

By fuckingshitt343 | 0

#605125 - Monday 5 October 2009 19:20

well how old are you? just because you don't have the nicest car in the world doesn't make your life fucked. at least you have a car. i had to drive around an old cop car for a year and a half. i hated it. it was a piece of shit. but it got me to where i needed to go. and if you are young then its not that big of a deal to even have a nice car anyways. that's why you go to school to get a degree to get a good job to get a nice car.