Miscellaneous: Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to... - FML

By jadehin - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29350

You deserved it

4383

Tweet

Share

Another great day to be alive

The smell detective is on the case

Unhealthy

By Noname - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37796

You deserved it

13418

Tweet

Share

By Alison - United States

Today, I found out I've miserably failed a college exam. My friend had agreed to pass me answers if I needed them, since I've hardly studied this year. We were on the phone when she said, "Oh, those answers were bullshit. Serves you right, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

9062

You deserved it

72191

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29460

You deserved it

7675

Tweet

Share

By WildShortstop13 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20265

You deserved it

13212

Tweet

Share

By Are you f*cking kidding me - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63738

You deserved it

4524

Tweet

Share

By toothbreaker - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought my very first college textbook. I received a stack of hole-punched papers. My $195 "book" isn’t even bound together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1742

You deserved it

172

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83029

You deserved it

6175

Tweet

Share

By lol - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32696

You deserved it

4002

Tweet

Share

By MozillaHostile - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

22828

You deserved it

2659

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23392

You deserved it

119016

Tweet

Share

By proteinboy - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11679

You deserved it

30347

Tweet

Share

By Dummy

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3417

You deserved it

1086

Tweet

Share

By Crazy Mom - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60061

You deserved it

4616

Tweet

Share

By annoyed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24151

You deserved it

1895

Tweet

Share

By birdfoooo - United States

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8001

You deserved it

55007

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/4/2021 21:30

The world is your oyster

Today, the guy I really love, and who apparently loves me too, told me he just can’t be with me because he’s moving away to buy an oyster farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

813

You deserved it

72

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26802

You deserved it

1808

Tweet

Share

By Notakidpusher - United States - San Francisco

OK Shaggy

Today, my coworker brought her 3-year-old son to work with her. When introducing him to me, she dropped her bag and bent over to pick it up, knocking him over with her butt in the process. When she stood up, she noticed he was sitting on the ground crying. She then accused me of pushing him over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25112

You deserved it

1416

Tweet

Share

By Iknowitlooksbad

Today, I learned the hard way not to keep my own cash in my pocket while working as a cashier, when I was forced to give $30 to a scamming customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13360

You deserved it

2838

Tweet

Share

By Jon - United States

Today, my ex fiancée, who left me six months ago, asked if I'd mind if she used the wedding dress I bought her for our wedding. She's just gotten engaged again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42127

You deserved it

3448

Tweet

Share

By racoonface - United States

Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16630

You deserved it

54622

Tweet

Share

By bigmouth - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15833

You deserved it

67746

Tweet

Share

By sara

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1088

You deserved it

137

Tweet

Share

By Lexy

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2968

You deserved it

413

Tweet

Share

By wolfwhowanders - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my $1300 mattress that I bought for my new home was delivered. To my old house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9358

You deserved it

1613

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17007

You deserved it

55130

Tweet

Share

By scarredforlife - United States

Today, it was my mom's birthday, I planned to wish her a happy birthday as she woke up. I opened the door to her room only to see my dad dancing around in an American flag thong. Grimacing in pain I closed the door right away. Not only am I forever disturbed, but now my dad is asking me how he looks naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46128

You deserved it

7169

Tweet

Share

By nothing like tasty asshole - United States - Shelbyville

Just ignore it!

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2764

You deserved it

562

Tweet

Share

By bitch - Australia

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24490

You deserved it

56509

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34621

You deserved it

3191

Tweet

Share

By workhoe - United States

Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

7886

You deserved it

1705

Tweet

Share

By ishouldntdrink - United States

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7887

You deserved it

39123

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32734

You deserved it

6238

Tweet

Share

By strayy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27527

You deserved it

2320

Tweet

Share

By not_this_shit_again - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47903

You deserved it

3582

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40579

You deserved it

3849

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Thanks for the support!

Today, I told my mom that I struggle with depression. She then told me that she thinks that I always seem to suck the life out of a room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1112

You deserved it

208

Tweet

Share

By uhhh what? - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32247

You deserved it

5515

Tweet

Share

By failedfather - Australia - Ferntree Gully

Today, I had to tell McDonald's that my 11-year-old son thought it would be funny to take a dump in the urinal. I then had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41224

You deserved it

13779

Tweet

Share

By valarmorgoolies - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31726

You deserved it

3010

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1664852 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:37

I don't see anything wrong with this as long as everyone got cake.

By extremenoodles | 0

#1664906 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:43

That's what you get for combining your son's baptism with your annual underground cock-fighting night.

COMMENTS

By ashlynnb7 | 0

#1664848 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:37

What did they get arrested for??

Reply

sweet_candy_ | 17

#1664891 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:41

yeah I wonder why?

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1664913 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:44

...?

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1665272 - Monday 8 November 2010 10:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

sjess090 | 0

#1665862 - Monday 8 November 2010 13:05

obviously fake when cops are off duty they don't arrest anyone

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#1666127 - Monday 8 November 2010 14:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

jok3r_l3tal | 0

#1666268 - Monday 8 November 2010 14:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

TurboTalon | 0

#1668103 - Monday 8 November 2010 20:45

He attended a party while on duty???

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1673930 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 23:47

89 - it's ok as long as he had less than 3 or 4 beers

Reply

cats400 | 16

#5513915 - Thursday 30 May 2013 20:25

#45 What?!? How is that OPs fault?

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1664852 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:37

I don't see anything wrong with this as long as everyone got cake.

Reply

Mantus | 1

#1665199 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:51

The cake is a lie.

Reply

dayve | 0

#1665206 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:54

hahaha I see what u did there

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#1665261 - Monday 8 November 2010 10:25

Your reply was a triumph.

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1667024 - Monday 8 November 2010 15:32

The cake is a spy.

Reply

daltreix | 3

#1667714 - Monday 8 November 2010 18:46

This FML is a spah!

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#2585187 - Monday 30 May 2011 3:04

win.

Reply

Teckzilla | 21

#6243294 - Thursday 26 March 2015 3:24

It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

By Tandy13 | 0

#1664873 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:39

wow that must have been a really big incident to have 3 people arrested, but thats just weird. sorry to hear that.

By justsomgirl | 4

#1664877 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:39

What did he arrest them for?

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1664929 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:45

rape.

Reply

justsomgirl | 4

#1664996 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:59

Wow. Good one. (That was sarcasm.)

Grow up. (That wasn't.)

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1665019 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:03

sigh...

Reply

justsomgirl | 4

#1665021 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:03

I swear there was a really retarded comment there a minute ago. And then it disappeared and now it looks like I responded to myself. Twice.

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1665039 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:05

It's...
MOVIE MAGIC!!!!!

Reply

justsomgirl | 4

#1665044 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:06

Alright fine. You win. Your comments are now amusing me. (That wasn't sarcasm.)

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1665052 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:09

phew, thank god.
i was beginning to think it was gonna...
RE-APPEAR...!

Reply

justsomgirl | 4

#1665064 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:12

Doesn't seem so.

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1665080 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:14

yeah, do you think we should stop responding?

Reply

justsomgirl | 4

#1665094 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:18

Probably. It was fun while it lasted though.

Reply

gozar_fml | 1

#1670571 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 8:14

They were arrested for double dipping in the chips and salsa bowl.

Reply

justsomgirl | 4

#1679246 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 22:07

Those animals! No wonder he arrested them. Good riddance I say!

By extremenoodles | 0

#1664906 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:43

That's what you get for combining your son's baptism with your annual underground cock-fighting night.

Reply

roeallen | 11

#1665809 - Monday 8 November 2010 12:52

lol! ^.^

Reply

stewpididiot | 11

#1667321 - Monday 8 November 2010 16:23

cock fighting as in chickens or.........?

By banananut | 0

#1664915 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:45

This is totally fake, everyone knows cops only eat donuts! Cops eating cake...HA. What a joke.

Reply

CoolAsian | 0

#1666826 - Monday 8 November 2010 15:02

win

Reply

AKBO47 | 0

#1666864 - Monday 8 November 2010 15:09

lmfao!!!!!!!!

Reply

FarSide | 22

#1669740 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 4:44

A cop will eat a 3-foot turd if you dust it with powdered sugar.

Reply

imsoscrewd | 2

#3485412 - Tuesday 25 October 2011 3:38

No u

Reply

SAGARCo | 19

#6444739 - Monday 26 October 2015 5:36

It was a donut cake.

By Nemesis2747 | 4

#1664921 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:45

Some friend that is. Yea.. he isnt getting invited anywhere anymore

Reply

BrutalFbomb | 5

#1670693 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 8:52

I agree. he's definitely a dick.

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3069411 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 8:46

And what if they deserved to be arrested god knows what they could of done the cop had every right to arrest them

By mitchn60 | 6

#1664925 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:45

He wouldn't have done it if there had been doughnuts instead of cake. Now ya know.

Reply

BIGshooter | 2

#1667855 - Monday 8 November 2010 19:21

nice S&W M&P. .45?

Reply

mitchn60 | 6

#1669751 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 4:46

Yes it is. I also have it in .40 for my duty gun.

Reply

averagesuperhero | 0

#1670584 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 8:18

Are you guys cops? Just wondering.

Reply

mitchn60 | 6

#1676112 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 10:38

For some reason I can't get my answer to post, even though it says I was successful. Nope, not a cop, armed security and protection work.

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1664933 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:46

just another day on the job...so, make sure he is not invited to your child's wedding...he could be a damper for such a joyous occassion...

By spade1997 | 0

#1664935 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:46

haha wow