Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for... - FML

By mellbelle32 - 11/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Does it taste good?

A beautiful truck decoration

By Billz - 10/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

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By dom - 8/9/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent - 30/6/2017 18:00

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By spermbankonlegs - 16/3/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. Over breakfast, she said it was the most intense, primal and mind-blowing sexual experience she ever had. Problem is, I don't remember a damned thing. FML

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By ouch - 13/6/2012 16:00 - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

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By I don’t stink - 1/5/2020 20:00

No pain, no meds

Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. FML

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By wtfuraretard - 19/2/2010 20:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

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By Brotherssuckkk - 18/1/2010 20:04 - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

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By JohhnyKeroscene - 1/2/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By FriendsSuck - 6/7/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was leaving a cafe with some of my friends. I had to sit in the back by myself. I opened the door when I saw an old woman needing help getting to her car because it was raining. I shut the door and went to help. My friends thought I had gotten in. I was left in the rain with no phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

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By emilyparker - 1/9/2014 02:55 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 08:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By WetWalking - 21/3/2013 13:31 - United States - Tyler

Today, I was walking by the side of the interstate because my car broke down. A nice young man stopped and asked if I was tired of walking. I said yes, to which he replied, "Try jogging asshole" then laughed and drove off. It was raining balls. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

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By catstew - 2/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 04:23 - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

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By Unknown - 30/6/2014 01:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

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By annoyed - 2/11/2012 10:37 - United States - Wyoming

Today, I finally got to attend the concert I have been anticipating for weeks. The band was great. The drunk guy sitting behind me yelling profanity and out of tune lyrics in my ear throughout the entire show, however, was not. FML

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By somerandomchick - 31/3/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

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By secretdoll - 9/11/2010 07:51 - United States

Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML

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By jmove - 7/8/2019 06:00 - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of over a year is so obsessed with cleaning his entire place before I come over. He's been hiding the ex girlfriend that never moved out. FML

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By Awkwardly_dumped - 21/8/2018 14:30

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML

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By carr - 4/3/2011 16:25 - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By suckstobefat - 22/1/2012 06:10 - Canada

Today, I found out that the daily "vitamins" that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 20:43 - Isle of Man

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

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By anonymous - 5/3/2014 05:43 - United States - League City

Today, my mom came into my room, yelling at me about a pregnancy test that she found in my bathroom. My mom wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't mine. Turns out my sister bought the test, threw it under my bathroom cabinet, and now she won't admit to the prank. She thinks this is hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 05:51 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By jayscalaro - 21/4/2019 20:00

Today, it's raining pretty hard and there are a bunch of puddles everywhere. I’m in a full rain suit and great boots, so instead of walking around the puddles, I decided to walk through the biggest one, only to drop down 4 feet, all because the city didn’t cover up a massive manhole. FML

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By chelserusera - 14/5/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By Fredgruff - 9/1/2010 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

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By goatvideosarelame - 24/5/2011 07:31 - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 06:21 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

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By KismetSiren - 23/11/2016 10:30 - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

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By YoungSmileBones - 15/8/2016 18:29 - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I'm so broke that I'm thinking about using a glass of whiskey and a pair of pliers to pull out my broken wisdom teeth. FML

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By IRum - 11/8/2011 08:45 - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By WarMachine68 - 6/6/2015 19:19 - United States - Shawnee

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

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Top comments

By regenzie | 0

#387323 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:00

Why would you bail him out? It was his fault, and that money should be important. Let someone else bail him out, or let him worry about his problems on his own.

By ohJeeznotme | 7

#387368 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

He could have sat in jail. Its YOUR wedding cake! He obviously had enough offenses if he got thrown in the slammer, he deserved it!

Comments

By UFCFIGHTER | 0

#387321 - Saturday 11 July 2009 15:59

Sux

By regenzie | 0

#387323 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:00

Why would you bail him out? It was his fault, and that money should be important. Let someone else bail him out, or let him worry about his problems on his own.

Reply

SweetieLish | 0

#387524 - Saturday 11 July 2009 17:27

I agree, let him stay in jail. I mean, unless he HAD to be at the wedding, let him stay in there and have one of his buddies bail him out of jail. Or just make him pay you back.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#387695 - Saturday 11 July 2009 18:55

exactly. serves him right for driving with an expired license. wedding cake > irresponsible cousin.

Reply

Tuckerr | 0

#389157 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:12

depressing FML, i woulda called someone to pick me up then drive me to get the cake

Reply

armyofficerwife | 0

#3573181 - Friday 11 November 2011 20:57

I completely agree. That was their mistake not yours. Your wedding is a little more important.

Reply

Jarl_the_Elite | 27

#6228915 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 14:53

Why does everyone always feel the need to bail someone out of jail?

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#387341 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:03

It doesn't really matter
If it's just bail you'll get it back...

Reply

ImAKlutz15 | 0

#388522 - Sunday 12 July 2009 0:59

But it does matter if the wedding is coming up and she has no money for the cake...

By samusfox | 0

#387343 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:03

You shoulda just let him or her stay in jail...

By ohJeeznotme | 7

#387368 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

He could have sat in jail. Its YOUR wedding cake! He obviously had enough offenses if he got thrown in the slammer, he deserved it!

Reply

markssh | 0

#387393 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:19

You get arrested for driving with a suspended or expired license, or driving with no insurance (no _proof_ of insurance just gets you a ticket), or refusing a breathalyser.

By SiCMgt4SlipKnoT | 0

#387381 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:13

YDI for being sympathetic to your cousin on your wedding day.

By band_geek | 18

#387395 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:20

That sucks considering you had to spend your wedding cake money on your cousin

By deliciouskaek | 1

#387405 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:25

My visiting cousin would have missed my damn wedding that day. YDI, you're too damn nice. Let another visiting cousin bail him out.

By BikerMike | 0

#387422 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:32

should have bought the cake instead

By tranman978 | 0

#387520 - Saturday 11 July 2009 17:25

I like cake