Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for... - FML

By mellbelle32 - 11/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

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Non-baby fever

By LogicalMolly - 13/12/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

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By VetTechStudent - 25/10/2018 15:30

Today, I had to get a pre-exposure rabies vaccine for school. My boyfriend thinks I'll give him rabies and refuses to let me sleep in the same bed with him or initiate sex. I need two more shots over the next 3 weeks, which means sleeping on the couch for a month. FML

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By ashleynicolle - 25/2/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, when I woke up I checked my phone for messages, only to hear a woman screaming that I have been sleeping with her husband and that she is sending her 'people' after me. I have never met said husband. I panicked for hours only to receive a call telling me she had dialed the wrong number. FML

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By ScarredDaughter - 29/3/2016 05:01 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 17:22 - Canada

Today, I cried harder than I have in years. I was babysitting, and watching Pokémon to pass the time. It was the episode where Ash, Dawn, and Brock on the show went their separate ways, and may never be together again. FML

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By ricky the sage - 5/10/2013 00:04 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was on the bus, heading to work, when the girl beside me started yelling at me, claiming I was staring down her shirt. I did no such thing, but the driver nonetheless stopped the bus and made me get off, all under the withering glares of the other passengers. FML

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By - 16/1/2020 18:00

I am clumsy!

Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2013 21:53 - Netherlands - Drachten

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

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By painfulintercourse - 22/11/2010 19:36 - Canada

Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

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By stupidlights - 7/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

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By sendhelp - 30/4/2017 16:00

Today, my mom asked me to take my dad's mail to him. The "mail" was divorce papers. FML

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By JustAmirage - 14/2/2019 20:00

Today, it was my first day at work. They had me a large tray with lots of food on it, even after I told them I wasn’t comfortable carrying it. I hit the door on the way out of the kitchen, spilling everything on the tray, breaking 2 soup bowls and 3 salad plates. FML

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By Love stinks - 19/8/2013 13:06 - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

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By wowohwow - 23/6/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 14:19 - United States - Abington

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

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By "bluebird97" - 28/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me 4 times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift 2 days in a row, apparently that is insensitive of me. FML

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By Username - 24/12/2010 23:49 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

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By me - 20/11/2013 15:28 - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

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By Clauric - 24/3/2010 12:11 - Ireland

Today, the passport office informed me I won't get my passport in time to go on holidays. However, they took the money for the passport out of my account 2 months ago, causing me to go overdrawn, and not pay my travel insurance. The same insurance I needed to get the cost of the holiday back. FML

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By phansmootchie - 20/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

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By artclasstrauma - 15/5/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 15:13 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley" - 27/11/2019 20:00

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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By Taco Hell - 19/10/2012 06:43 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By never thought I'd say that - 22/8/2013 19:05 - Norway - Stavanger

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By stillpoor - 14/3/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By YOUNG1441 - 29/6/2016 21:50 - United Kingdom - Cramlington

Today, after finishing a two-day course for work, I was informed that the days used will either be unpaid or used up as holidays, as it was for improvement of myself and not the company. They put me on the course without my knowledge until the weekend before. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. I started getting wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By annie00016 - 27/10/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I tried to set up my brand new washer and dryer. How hard can it be, right? After cutting my hand in 3 places on the dryer vent, I finished it off with electrocuting myself. So much for being a domestic goddess. FML

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By jack - 28/2/2011 05:43

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

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By r1has - 12/9/2016 08:21 - Pakistan - Rawalpindi

Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for 2 hours. FML

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By why me - 22/5/2011 23:09

Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML

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Top comments

By regenzie | 0

#387323 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:00

Why would you bail him out? It was his fault, and that money should be important. Let someone else bail him out, or let him worry about his problems on his own.

By ohJeeznotme | 7

#387368 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

He could have sat in jail. Its YOUR wedding cake! He obviously had enough offenses if he got thrown in the slammer, he deserved it!

COMMENTS

By UFCFIGHTER | 0

#387321 - Saturday 11 July 2009 15:59

Sux

By regenzie | 0

#387323 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:00

Why would you bail him out? It was his fault, and that money should be important. Let someone else bail him out, or let him worry about his problems on his own.

Reply

SweetieLish | 0

#387524 - Saturday 11 July 2009 17:27

I agree, let him stay in jail. I mean, unless he HAD to be at the wedding, let him stay in there and have one of his buddies bail him out of jail. Or just make him pay you back.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#387695 - Saturday 11 July 2009 18:55

exactly. serves him right for driving with an expired license. wedding cake > irresponsible cousin.

Reply

Tuckerr | 0

#389157 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:12

depressing FML, i woulda called someone to pick me up then drive me to get the cake

Reply

armyofficerwife | 0

#3573181 - Friday 11 November 2011 20:57

I completely agree. That was their mistake not yours. Your wedding is a little more important.

Reply

Jarl_the_Elite | 27

#6228915 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 14:53

Why does everyone always feel the need to bail someone out of jail?

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#387341 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:03

It doesn't really matter
If it's just bail you'll get it back...

Reply

ImAKlutz15 | 0

#388522 - Sunday 12 July 2009 0:59

But it does matter if the wedding is coming up and she has no money for the cake...

By samusfox | 0

#387343 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:03

You shoulda just let him or her stay in jail...

By ohJeeznotme | 7

#387368 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

He could have sat in jail. Its YOUR wedding cake! He obviously had enough offenses if he got thrown in the slammer, he deserved it!

Reply

markssh | 0

#387393 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:19

You get arrested for driving with a suspended or expired license, or driving with no insurance (no _proof_ of insurance just gets you a ticket), or refusing a breathalyser.

By SiCMgt4SlipKnoT | 0

#387381 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:13

YDI for being sympathetic to your cousin on your wedding day.

By band_geek | 18

#387395 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:20

That sucks considering you had to spend your wedding cake money on your cousin

By deliciouskaek | 1

#387405 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:25

My visiting cousin would have missed my damn wedding that day. YDI, you're too damn nice. Let another visiting cousin bail him out.

By BikerMike | 0

#387422 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:32

should have bought the cake instead

By tranman978 | 0

#387520 - Saturday 11 July 2009 17:25

I like cake