Miscellaneous: Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for... - FML

By mellbelle32 - United States

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43065

You deserved it

3474

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Family values

Late term

By cheerbabeXoXo - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45513

You deserved it

4959

Tweet

Share

By ohtheshame

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42733

You deserved it

10672

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50040

You deserved it

3739

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I noticed some of my things in my slob of a roommate's piles of clothes. I found six pairs of my underwear that had gone missing. Turns out she hasn't done laundry recently so my underwear drawer was her own personal Victoria's Secret. I hadn't even worn a pair yet. All six were stained. FML

I agree, your life sucks

93106

You deserved it

4363

Tweet

Share

By Fraser - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17154

You deserved it

56345

Tweet

Share

By lils - United States

Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41668

You deserved it

3058

Tweet

Share

By LonnyLonnikins - Canada

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51323

You deserved it

39929

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55175

You deserved it

5161

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Australia - Mittagong

Today, I had to give a speech as part of my campaign for school captain. I was rather happy with it and so I told another candidate my speech. Apparently it was a good idea as minutes later that same candidate stole my entire speech, leaving me looking like a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10909

You deserved it

37668

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54221

You deserved it

11234

Tweet

Share

By shewhopoopsinlitterboxes - United States - Downingtown

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43868

You deserved it

7637

Tweet

Share

By TubaAssassin

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had picked my lock and stolen my new laptop. When I tried to take it back, he called the police. They sided with him since he had also taken the receipt, which was "proof" that it was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4772

You deserved it

275

Tweet

Share

By ac-hoo - India

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32643

You deserved it

3819

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39444

You deserved it

10389

Tweet

Share

By timmynotjimmy - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24187

You deserved it

3900

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46370

You deserved it

5552

Tweet

Share

By lizzy1843 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16890

You deserved it

23790

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 14:02

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

Today, my father decided that he "wants to get rich." His method of choice? Bitcoin trading. He's already lost a lot of money, but won't stop, because, "he doesn't listen to haters." FML

I agree, your life sucks

855

You deserved it

60

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a new, expensive face moisturizer. However, it smells like poop. I paid $20 dollars to make my face smell like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13561

You deserved it

31298

Tweet

Share

By leonieNL - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41489

You deserved it

3811

Tweet

Share

By sickkid - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40961

You deserved it

4707

Tweet

Share

By an unlucky man - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22863

Phew, glad it wasn't me

3075

Tweet

Share

By Jordan - United States

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44784

You deserved it

4533

Tweet

Share

By DBR - United States

Today, my alarm went off. I reached to swat it, missed, slipped, smacked my face on my dresser, and fell on the floor. As I picked myself up off the floor, I hit my head on the open top drawer of my other dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness, I was attacked by two pieces of furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58769

You deserved it

11417

Tweet

Share

By RowanBlossom - 7/7/2020 05:01

The lifescript

Today, I found out that my mother doesn’t visit me because I'm the only sibling without children. She posts all about her wonderful children on social media, but I'm left out. She hasn't set foot in my house since I moved out of hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1577

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By AquaKelly - United States - Newark

Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30740

You deserved it

4729

Tweet

Share

By fuckedover - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41335

You deserved it

4673

Tweet

Share

By blah - United States

Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37592

You deserved it

3052

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44543

You deserved it

8904

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54571

You deserved it

4005

Tweet

Share

By Beeper - United States - Champaign

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57573

You deserved it

5204

Tweet

Share

By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59475

You deserved it

7580

Tweet

Share

By SkeetinKeaton - United States

Today, I let my step-father know exactly what I thought of him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he leaned towards me and quietly whispered, "Well you're adopted. Your parents never loved you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58931

You deserved it

14467

Tweet

Share

By Max - United States

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44069

You deserved it

6023

Tweet

Share

By WTF.

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1626

You deserved it

308

Tweet

Share

By Omi - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12845

You deserved it

41450

Tweet

Share

By FML - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40483

You deserved it

3376

Tweet

Share

By laststand11 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

It's all in the timing

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30950

You deserved it

2476

Tweet

Share

By metalmeow

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1609

You deserved it

183

Tweet

Share

By munnyfish - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13320

You deserved it

33464

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By regenzie | 0

#387323 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:00

Why would you bail him out? It was his fault, and that money should be important. Let someone else bail him out, or let him worry about his problems on his own.

By ohJeeznotme | 7

#387368 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

He could have sat in jail. Its YOUR wedding cake! He obviously had enough offenses if he got thrown in the slammer, he deserved it!

COMMENTS

By UFCFIGHTER | 0

#387321 - Saturday 11 July 2009 15:59

Sux

By regenzie | 0

#387323 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:00

Why would you bail him out? It was his fault, and that money should be important. Let someone else bail him out, or let him worry about his problems on his own.

Reply

SweetieLish | 0

#387524 - Saturday 11 July 2009 17:27

I agree, let him stay in jail. I mean, unless he HAD to be at the wedding, let him stay in there and have one of his buddies bail him out of jail. Or just make him pay you back.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#387695 - Saturday 11 July 2009 18:55

exactly. serves him right for driving with an expired license. wedding cake > irresponsible cousin.

Reply

Tuckerr | 0

#389157 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:12

depressing FML, i woulda called someone to pick me up then drive me to get the cake

Reply

armyofficerwife | 0

#3573181 - Friday 11 November 2011 20:57

I completely agree. That was their mistake not yours. Your wedding is a little more important.

Reply

Jarl_the_Elite | 27

#6228915 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 14:53

Why does everyone always feel the need to bail someone out of jail?

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#387341 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:03

It doesn't really matter
If it's just bail you'll get it back...

Reply

ImAKlutz15 | 0

#388522 - Sunday 12 July 2009 0:59

But it does matter if the wedding is coming up and she has no money for the cake...

By samusfox | 0

#387343 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:03

You shoulda just let him or her stay in jail...

By ohJeeznotme | 7

#387368 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

He could have sat in jail. Its YOUR wedding cake! He obviously had enough offenses if he got thrown in the slammer, he deserved it!

Reply

markssh | 0

#387393 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:19

You get arrested for driving with a suspended or expired license, or driving with no insurance (no _proof_ of insurance just gets you a ticket), or refusing a breathalyser.

By SiCMgt4SlipKnoT | 0

#387381 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:13

YDI for being sympathetic to your cousin on your wedding day.

By band_geek | 18

#387395 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:20

That sucks considering you had to spend your wedding cake money on your cousin

By deliciouskaek | 1

#387405 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:25

My visiting cousin would have missed my damn wedding that day. YDI, you're too damn nice. Let another visiting cousin bail him out.

By BikerMike | 0

#387422 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:32

should have bought the cake instead

By tranman978 | 0

#387520 - Saturday 11 July 2009 17:25

I like cake