Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told... - FML

By Trainwreck - 13/12/2009 17:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

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Family values

Serious times

Tense

By -___- - 29/9/2013 19:46 - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 20:44 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By justno - 3/8/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

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By gingerbetty - 4/9/2012 07:54 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. I've been secretly taking Welsh lessons as a surprise for him, so when I was getting close, I whispered the Welsh for "Don't stop." He pulled out and accused me of cheating on him with his best friend. He won't believe anything else. FML

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By xXRowynXx - 5/9/2010 19:20 - Canada

Today, I bleached my hair for the new school year. Instead of blonde, it came out orange, making my hair resemble a bloated pumpkin. FML

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By littelace - 19/2/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria's Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, "I wish I looked like that." He replied with, "Me too." FML

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By SeeingGreen - 8/5/2017 02:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex popped up as someone I might know as instagram, complete with his workout photos. My fiance is mad at me for showing these to my family, even though the consensus is that my ex looks like a condom stuffed with marbles. FML

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By thatgirl34 - 9/2/2012 11:29 - Australia

Today, I received my new car-seat covers. I wrote my car off yesterday. FML

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By blah - 21/7/2011 14:10 - United States

Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 02:08 - United States

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

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By soontobedumped - 15/1/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

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By My Life Is Just PERFECT - 30/3/2013 15:29 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

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By fuck you dad - 30/3/2013 18:17 - Ireland - Carrickmacross

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 02:37 - United States

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

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By lucky? - 19/9/2017 01:30

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

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By hb1 - 4/6/2016 18:15 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I caught my "best friend" on my laptop, copying my girlfriend's nudes onto his flash drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

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By AbFlab - 1/6/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

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By unknown - 30/3/2013 19:02 - France

Today, I went on my fifth date with my new girlfriend. Apparently, she was in such a rush while leaving work that she forgot to take off her wedding ring. FML

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By porn daddy - 21/6/2017 00:00

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2018 01:30

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

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By apparentlythereisnokarma - 1/1/2013 21:00 - Canada - Didsbury

Today, my roommate stumbled in drunk at 5am with 3 Big Macs, and passed out on the floor after eating them. This happens almost every night. I stay in, study, work, and go to the gym almost everyday. And she still has better grades, a better body, and makes more money than me. FML

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By Beast - 30/3/2013 06:57 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was cast as beast in my high school's production of Beauty and the Beast. My Grandma's input? "At least they won't need any makeup." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 05:02 - Australia

Today, I helped out with makeup at my daughter's high school play. As one girl walked past, I told her that she'd smudged pink lipstick all up the side of her face. Turns out it was a birthmark. She cried in the dressing room for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By gaggin - 26/12/2012 19:30 - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

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By SherryBaby - 29/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2019 02:12 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got a targeted YouTube ad that was intended for someone who owns a graveyard plot. Glad to know my watching habits match those of an undertaker's. FML

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By FattestUgliestPerson - 18/1/2014 09:45 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2015 17:33 - United Kingdom - Limavady

Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 17:36 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

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By Mintspice - 8/5/2019 12:00

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By xxemetahxx - 11/7/2019 06:00

Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2017 13:05 - United Kingdom

Staycation time

Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

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By guest - 18/11/2011 05:54 - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By awesomekidsmum - 18/9/2011 01:20 - Canada

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

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By MakeMyDay_27 - 27/6/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML

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By theorifice - 16/6/2010 16:28 - Canada

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

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Top comments

By xFaust_fml | 12

#718706 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:12

Take him to Hell, Michigan.

By Khatog | 1

#718721 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:43

Not enough information. For all we know, you could very well be an emotional train wreck like he said. So I'm gonna say YDI just because I have a feeling that is the case.

COMMENTS

By TheLoneWolf87 | 4

#718681 - Sunday 13 December 2009 23:15

Haha you got owned.

First

Cuz you didn't make him a sammich

Reply

guitarbass95 | 0

#718756 - Monday 14 December 2009 1:09

epic furst

Reply

Subtext | 10

#719361 - Monday 14 December 2009 8:55

Shut the fuck up

Reply

GuitarJunkie6258 | 0

#720702 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:47

Probably shouldnt be a quick-tempered emotional train wreck

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#727516 - Saturday 19 December 2009 23:48

lmao win.

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853810 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:27

sh!t hell froze over!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

erika_lynnex | 0

#1037744 - Monday 21 June 2010 3:53

I agree with 58

Reply

momoloser | 0

#3181620 - Friday 26 August 2011 8:33

sexist pig!

By Branflakes16 | 0

#718694 - Sunday 13 December 2009 23:42

lol I agree with #1

By silbern | 0

#718703 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:04

sammich fix everthing

By xFaust_fml | 12

#718706 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:12

Take him to Hell, Michigan.

Reply

Norwegian_Wood | 4

#719540 - Monday 14 December 2009 11:23

This.
Then again, OP, now that he's shown his true colors, do you really wanna marry someone who's this big of a douchebag?

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2703857 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:10

I thought Hell was in Scandinavia, or are there just two different cities

Reply

monkeyluvz | 7

#5195622 - Wednesday 28 November 2012 21:40

I was just thinking that!

By cheerchick4life | 0

#718716 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:28

u shouldve said and I'll have sex with u when he'll freezes over with a smile n then kiss him hahaha

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5604753 - Tuesday 30 July 2013 7:55

Your spelling makes me want to send you back to first grade.

By Khatog | 1

#718721 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:43

Not enough information. For all we know, you could very well be an emotional train wreck like he said. So I'm gonna say YDI just because I have a feeling that is the case.

Reply

yzmxrider | 0

#2318020 - Saturday 9 April 2011 7:00

agreed.

Reply

CerSpence | 11

#5992962 - Monday 30 June 2014 8:09

Ya, I have a feeling that kind of thing doesn't normally come up unless she did something to cause him to say that.

By Starfire22 | 5

#718726 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:40

Well then... Maybe he just wanted you to shut up

By Ludar | 0

#718727 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:48

oh they are getting merry same Day i get my xmas packes

By Ancients | 8

#718736 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:55

Might need to self reflect.

By Rabbity | 0

#718749 - Monday 14 December 2009 1:06

Maybe you are a quick-tempered emotional trainwreck.

Reply

quinnteh | 0

#718895 - Monday 14 December 2009 2:14

No not necessarily. If she really is the way he described, then she deserves way more than that.