Love: Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told... - FML

By Trainwreck - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

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Triage

Our house, in the middle of our street

Right place, wrong person

By dammitvasquez - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

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By poop_mcqueen - United States

Today, I bought a cool new pair of sunglasses. I wore them today, and all day I kept getting comments about how much I looked like Ozzy Osbourne and John Lennon. I'm a girl. FML

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By elevator-troubles - Australia

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

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By MDoremis - United States - Honolulu

Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML

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By xpxp2002 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By quirrus - United States

Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

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By crazy dog lady - 2/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Furry family

Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glen Allen

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By raven_teen_titan - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

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By parenting_failure - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

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By knuckleheadknock

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowler

Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML

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By trisha - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

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By assholedad - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By angelsaredicks - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 10:57

You BARBARIAN!

Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

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By angela

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By HeatherFeatherB - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

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By rollergirl13 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

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By ewww - United States

Today, I used the community vacuum to clean my dorm. When spots started appearing on the floor, I assumed it was leaking water. By the time I finished there were tons of wet spots on the floor. Later I found out that someone had just used that very vacuum to suck up vomit. FML

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By popcorn - United States

Today, I was watching a movie online. There was a 15 minute ad. 13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control, I noticed that there was a "skip this ad" button in the corner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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By WoofWoof - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

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By The fat and the ugly - Finland

Today, I was getting out of the shower, when my boyfriend decided to ask, "Did your boobs get smaller, or did you just gain weight around them?" FML

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By embarrassed - United Kingdom

Question Time

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

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By Lulu - United States

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 11:01 - United States - Dayton

Wanting your cake

Today, I'm in love with my best friend, while also being in love with my wife. I know he has feelings for me too. I wish my wife was poly too. FML

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By nevaagain - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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By toritoratora - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I heard a teenage boy ask his friend, "So, is it, like, November in Australia too?" This is the future of America. FML

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By Bugga2018 - United States - Freeport

Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By

He is worried

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

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By danielle - United States

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

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By It burns down there

Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear, as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash. FML

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Top comments

By xFaust_fml | 12

#718706 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:12

Take him to Hell, Michigan.

By Khatog | 1

#718721 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:43

Not enough information. For all we know, you could very well be an emotional train wreck like he said. So I'm gonna say YDI just because I have a feeling that is the case.

COMMENTS

By TheLoneWolf87 | 4

#718681 - Sunday 13 December 2009 23:15

Haha you got owned.

First

Cuz you didn't make him a sammich

Reply

guitarbass95 | 0

#718756 - Monday 14 December 2009 1:09

epic furst

Reply

Subtext | 10

#719361 - Monday 14 December 2009 8:55

Shut the fuck up

Reply

GuitarJunkie6258 | 0

#720702 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:47

Probably shouldnt be a quick-tempered emotional train wreck

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#727516 - Saturday 19 December 2009 23:48

lmao win.

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853810 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:27

sh!t hell froze over!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

erika_lynnex | 1

#1037744 - Monday 21 June 2010 3:53

I agree with 58

Reply

momoloser | 0

#3181620 - Friday 26 August 2011 8:33

sexist pig!

By Branflakes16 | 0

#718694 - Sunday 13 December 2009 23:42

lol I agree with #1

By silbern | 0

#718703 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:04

sammich fix everthing

By xFaust_fml | 12

#718706 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:12

Take him to Hell, Michigan.

Reply

Norwegian_Wood | 4

#719540 - Monday 14 December 2009 11:23

This.
Then again, OP, now that he's shown his true colors, do you really wanna marry someone who's this big of a douchebag?

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2703857 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:10

I thought Hell was in Scandinavia, or are there just two different cities

Reply

monkeyluvz | 7

#5195622 - Wednesday 28 November 2012 21:40

I was just thinking that!

By cheerchick4life | 0

#718716 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:28

u shouldve said and I'll have sex with u when he'll freezes over with a smile n then kiss him hahaha

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5604753 - Tuesday 30 July 2013 7:55

Your spelling makes me want to send you back to first grade.

By Khatog | 1

#718721 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:43

Not enough information. For all we know, you could very well be an emotional train wreck like he said. So I'm gonna say YDI just because I have a feeling that is the case.

Reply

yzmxrider | 0

#2318020 - Saturday 9 April 2011 7:00

agreed.

Reply

CerSpence | 11

#5992962 - Monday 30 June 2014 8:09

Ya, I have a feeling that kind of thing doesn't normally come up unless she did something to cause him to say that.

By Starfire22 | 5

#718726 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:40

Well then... Maybe he just wanted you to shut up

By Ludar | 0

#718727 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:48

oh they are getting merry same Day i get my xmas packes

By Ancients | 8

#718736 - Monday 14 December 2009 0:55

Might need to self reflect.

By Rabbity | 0

#718749 - Monday 14 December 2009 1:06

Maybe you are a quick-tempered emotional trainwreck.

Reply

quinnteh | 0

#718895 - Monday 14 December 2009 2:14

No not necessarily. If she really is the way he described, then she deserves way more than that.