Today, I had a graded performance in my drama class. I had to... - FML

By anonymous - 16/9/2011 17:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a graded performance in my drama class. I had to play a murderer in an interrogation room. I got really into it and started pounding on the windows to try to "escape". The thin glass smashed. Four hours in casualty, stitches and plastic surgery pretty much sum up my mood. FML

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Proactive

Dangling modifier

British Broadcasting Corporation

By mobster - 26/7/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 08:05 - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2012 02:00 - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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By rook - 9/1/2012 09:08 - United States

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

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By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

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By Animal cruelty - 19/2/2015 13:46 - Australia

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

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By This Is My Life - 1/7/2017 02:00

Jesus Christ!

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

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By station - 5/5/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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By grossgross - 26/9/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

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By ILuvYouSoldiers - 26/6/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

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By livingonmyownfromnowon - 13/9/2016 06:38 - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

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By jjcod - 31/5/2014 09:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML

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By turnedoff - 18/6/2012 01:00 - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 16:56 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 03:30

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

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By Apes - 25/3/2013 07:18 - United States - Temecula

Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML

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By "lk07" - 27/10/2017 23:00 - United States - Midlothian

Today, after selling things on eBay all week to afford a nice weekend with my husband and kids, my car died. Now we have to spend the money on a battery. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 19:53 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

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By Good morning to you all - 20/6/2018 20:30

Today, since my dad decided he's tired of not being completely comfortable in his own home, he now wears only a knee-length robe without underwear so he can "really enjoy the breeze". I've seen more balls in a few days than a pro baseball player does his entire career. FML

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By thunderthighs644 - 23/11/2011 03:21

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 13:46 - United States

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

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By shite - 10/1/2014 21:46 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML

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By notliked - 1/10/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, on facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to "How can Dan have over 500 facebook friends? Nobody even likes him" there were 42 likes, and twenty comments that said "agreed." FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - 9/10/2013 07:51 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By jinxofsocal - 21/6/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By i tried so hard - 8/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By teeth - 10/8/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 22:05 - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

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By shrek - 2/5/2016 10:25 - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

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By Alexander D. - 14/7/2012 00:48 - United States

Today, I was fired for telling a customer's kid to shut his mouth. As revenge, I sent the CEO a picture I acquired months ago of my boss drunkenly pissing on a cow. He wrote that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and that I am "clearly an insufferable killjoy; a total liability to the company." FML

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By SoundConfuser - 13/10/2010 11:58 - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

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By kbartlett86 - 24/6/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

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By leena - 23/2/2016 00:55 - United States - Encinitas

Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

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By stonehengeva - 27/7/2015 03:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML

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By apparently_disabled - 17/4/2015 06:24 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

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By geena - 27/10/2012 06:42 - United States - Washington

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

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By Kanata - 31/8/2019 02:05

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

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Top comments

By eurekaroy | 6

#3300659 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

Well let's look at the bright side, no one will want to mess with the drama kids now.

By stormchaser24 | 24

#3300667 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:51

Well that sucks but did you get a good grade?
The teacher must have been like nice fake blood. Oh shit!!!!

COMMENTS

By hockey199813 | 5

#3300642 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

War does op mean?

Reply

Tyler12108 | 0

#3300665 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:51

op means original poster

Reply

Streeet_hayley | 6

#3300671 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:51

Must be new ^

Reply

evaki1 | 12

#3300703 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:55

Onion Poop

Reply

evaki1 | 12

#3300708 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:55

Onion Poop

By ThatFunnyDude | 3

#3300644 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

I'm sorry op :(

Reply

Randuhh_17 | 4

#3300856 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:15

What would you expect to happen, when you pound on a glass window?...

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3300879 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:17

Lol. At least you didn't "brake a leg"

Reply

MrSarcasm | 4

#3300922 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:22

Goosfraba OP… goosfraba…

Reply

monkeys1315 | 0

#3300949 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:27

Hope you got a good grade

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3300960 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:29

34- it's break a leg, not brake

Reply

fthislyfe | 22

#3300997 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:35

Look at the bright side: You're probably gonna be a bad ass actor/actress in the future.

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3301219 - Saturday 17 September 2011 1:23

34, sorry. Autocorrect. -.- I am humiliated

Reply

changesinme | 0

#3301620 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:38

Thin glass and you need plastic surgery already? God knows what you were doing, doubt you were only pounding the glass eh?

Reply

ThatFunnyDude | 3

#3301648 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:44

bury my comment! I want it to be the most downvoted comment ever!!

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#3301700 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:59

the only way you could save that performance is to lick your lips and say "i like it when the red water comes out"...

Reply

kelseykaye93 | 1

#3301828 - Saturday 17 September 2011 3:38

Break*

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3301938 - Saturday 17 September 2011 4:10

-.- I get it

Reply

BagleHead | 6

#3302554 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:49

34, I think you mean 'break', not 'brake'

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3302613 - Saturday 17 September 2011 7:05

I said I get it!!! Pudge fingers + touch screen = fails for me!!!

Reply

thatgirlinoregon | 21

#3302845 - Saturday 17 September 2011 8:59

The next person to correct 'brake' needs to be taken out and shot. Read the whole thread! For the love of god...

Reply

Shrike | 22

#3302852 - Saturday 17 September 2011 9:05

34 - it's "break", man. I don't mean to put you on the spot or embarrass you but just putting it out there before any of the grammar nazis correct you. :))

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3303541 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:42

97, I was corrected 3 times already. and I already admitted my fault. Read the whole freaking thread!!!

Reply

SChew | 6

#3303626 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:58

34, good try at a joke, it must be that damn autocorrect

Reply

andrew_bellati | 11

#4846081 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 1:53

*break.

Reply

xxBFMVAAMIWxx | 18

#5833141 - Monday 20 January 2014 13:28

#106 - You + people's ignorance and failure to read thread = raging frustration, anger and murder

By Brooke57 | 8

#3300654 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

ouch.. :(

Reply

Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3300807 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:06

How can u pound enough to break the window and not feel pain while doing it?

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3300943 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:27

25- Note the reference to 'thin' glass..

Reply

silver0jay | 11

#3300962 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:29

Well... If you really were a murderer... It seems you would of succeeded on escaping.
So good job. You get a gold star *

Reply

lilwaynerockz_fml | 12

#3305330 - Sunday 18 September 2011 0:52

And the plastic surgery could hide your identity... Of your hand.

By eurekaroy | 6

#3300659 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

Well let's look at the bright side, no one will want to mess with the drama kids now.

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#3300724 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:56

Yeah, watch out for that guy!!! He can break thin, fake glass!

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3300735 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:56

True dedication to the club.

Reply

ihasbrains | 10

#3300954 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:27

I personally find this interesting How many people do you know who are this passionate about what they do?

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#3301407 - Saturday 17 September 2011 1:59

@43 passion without intelligence is useless.

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3301899 - Saturday 17 September 2011 3:55

As is intelligence without passion, unfortunately.

By margie2194 | 12

#3300663 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:51

Kudos for really getting into character though. If I had an Emmy. I'll give it to you.

Reply

Zeek63 | 0

#3300916 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:22

Op did you escape? I would have! You sure went HAM though! That does suck though I'm sorry

Reply

Andr913 | 13

#3301425 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:01

I think he would receive the Tony, actually.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3303474 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:34

Maybe, but 5 will never give up her Tony!

By stormchaser24 | 24

#3300667 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:51

Well that sucks but did you get a good grade?
The teacher must have been like nice fake blood. Oh shit!!!!

By champjb | 0

#3300678 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:52

Well. Try NOT hitting inanimate objects

Reply

JurassicHole | 5

#3300752 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:59

Ya, start hitting animate objects...they'll react better.

Reply

champjb | 0

#3302410 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:09

They really do

By bertman | 0

#3300688 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

salvorican | 24

#3300903 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:20

Well you know usually people being interrogated aren't going to like it... Unless your the joker

Reply

je_suis_fml | 11

#3300985 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:34

10 - kinda like how you didn't think that comment through?!

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#3301443 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:04

@36 you understand that acting doesnt imply directly replicating the actions of the person youre portraying right? there are plenty of sane, normal things to do in that situation that dont involve post production surgery.

Reply

white16sox | 19

#3301685 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:54

Well I believe op was expecting stronger glass.

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#3301741 - Saturday 17 September 2011 3:10

most glass isnt made to be pounded on, and more importantly school stage props are never going to be made of high quality material...theyre props.

By MotoTiller | 0

#3300694 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:54

drama queen lol. hope you feel better soon.

By BrianAlarcon | 0

#3300710 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:55

Sorry to hear that :(