Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest...

By Anonymous

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

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Sorry…

Thanks, I'm cured!

Basic Instinct

By mainlineloser - United States - Narberth

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML

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By foreverafatty - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

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By DefinitelyNotDogshit - United States - Levittown

Today, I walked into my new office for the first time after receiving the promotion I've been trying for. Someone took a dump on my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By Lililaloose - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 19:59

Iron Chef America

Today, I thought about trying something "new", so I put raspberry preserves and maple syrup on my waffles. It tasted like cough medicine. FML

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By Forever alone - 21/12/2020 17:02 - United States - Hesperia

Sorry…

Today, I was falling in love with the nostalgia of having handwritten love letters and flowers left on my windshield. Turns out my "secret admirer" was just a mean prank conjured up by my coworkers. They laughed. I cried, hard. FML

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By kidneystoner - United States

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

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By Alyssa - 27/4/2020 23:00 - United Kingdom

Fashion blogger

Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML

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By LowOnGas

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By Goatbeard - United States

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

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By Tagged - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

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By anon - 30/6/2020 08:02

Parenting

Today, my mom volunteered me to watch her cousin’s 7-year-old daughter overnight. She’s a nice kid, but sadly the mom has babied her so much that she literally can’t do a thing for herself. She needed help wiping, bathing and even brushing her teeth. Her mom does it all and never taught her differently. FML

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1436

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By hesaidwhat - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

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I am sexy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By dollybabe - Ireland

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By AnnieThrax - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

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By sleepwalker - United States

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML

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By oneloveliz

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By Fack. - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after moving house, changing my number, my email, and beginning legal action to get away from a girl who was stalking me, I decided to go to the movies to relax. As soon as I got in my seat, that same girl walked into the nearly empty theatre. She sat next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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By prettybich - United States

Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

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By Chansus10 - United States - Greendale

Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

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By AshleyRose24 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I had to have a talk with my stalker. After telling him not to snapchat me, not to text me, and that I'm not interested, all he said was "I think persistence is going to be key here." FML

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By Sadandphoneless

Today, I got on the bus and the driver said I didn't have to pay since the ticket machine was broken. I was happy to have saved £2.40 until i realised someone had stolen my new £700 phone while I was talking to the driver. FML

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By Sayahh

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

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By Feelinfunny1 - United States

Today, I gave an old owl lamp away because I had no need for it. The new owner informed me shortly after that it was worth $400. FML

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By unfortunate - United States

Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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By Jeremy - United States

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

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By kelsjenks - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

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By WTF - United States - Bloomington

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend because she wanted to be with a man who has an income and a stable career. We are seniors in college and I accepted a really good job offer which I start once I graduate, which she knows about. She dumped me for a drug dealer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7802583 - Monday 13 May 2019 17:00

Gesundheit!

You should have also received a blessing, too.

By alycion | 38

#7802835 - Tuesday 14 May 2019 11:43

Some guys are into cute sneezes. I’m sure there is a dating site for that.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7802583 - Monday 13 May 2019 17:00

Gesundheit!

You should have also received a blessing, too.

By alycion | 38

#7802835 - Tuesday 14 May 2019 11:43

Some guys are into cute sneezes. I’m sure there is a dating site for that.