Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored... - FML

By BadStuden - 5/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

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Understandable

White line fever

You snooze, you lose

By scarletdurose88 - 19/4/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, is my 21st birthday. I get home after my night out and walk into the garage to see a 2002 Red Corvette convertible. I run up to the car thinking its a gift and there's a note: "Dani this is not your birthday present. Quit drooling on my car. -Dad" Thanks Dad. FML

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By lel - 6/11/2018 13:30

Today, I got a blue screen of death on my brand new computer. Why? My parents installed an "anti-virus" before I got home. FML

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By Aus - 26/4/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML

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By argh - 20/3/2012 08:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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By "ravensarepurple" - 31/12/2019 02:00

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

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By kjdhfakjs - 20/5/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

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By Boyufd - 9/9/2018 03:30

Today, knowing that I have severe arachnophobia, my brother brought over his friend's tarantula. One hour later, the spider got loose. It's been 5 hours and I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By rollergirl13 - 11/1/2014 05:55 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

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By walkingdictionary - 18/1/2013 02:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

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By AlwaysRejected - 10/12/2015 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

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By billiams15 - 6/5/2012 21:57 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

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By Emmmsie - 8/7/2017 18:00

Today, my new passport arrived, along with my expired one and its 20-year-old picture. I was comparing the photos when my husband came to look. He laughed and said, "Time is cruel." FML

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By rejected - 23/4/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

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By Anonwymous - 18/10/2009 10:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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By larsn - 3/6/2016 20:32 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 04:19 - New Zealand

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

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By Jenbearish - 16/8/2016 04:58

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

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By katta2009 - 29/8/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - 1/2/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By funnnyyyyy -_- - 1/8/2015 08:29 - Nepal - Kathmandu

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

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By blah - 2/6/2020 23:00

Exercise One

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 02:00

Tactician

Today, in the most polite and friendly way I could think of, I told a friend that she's slightly too dramatic about things. She started throwing a fit, deleted my number, and ended our seven-year friendship. FML

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By pong - 6/8/2013 21:59 - France - Toulouse

Today, I asked my surgeon if I would be having a general or local anesthetic at my upcoming operation. He replied, "General, of course! It's gonna be a slaughterhouse in there!" FML

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By tamralee - 25/10/2019 04:00

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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By BNLM - 9/3/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

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By anon - 31/7/2015 20:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML

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By mylifeisamovie - 28/2/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and had no idea where I was. I quickly discovered It was 11 am and I was still at the bar I had been drinking at the night before. My shoes were gone. FML

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By jag talar - 7/9/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2017 12:00

Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML

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By mariama - 23/1/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

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By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By TrashGirl - 24/6/2018 01:30

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

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By disboydanielx - 16/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

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By diapermommy - 26/8/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

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By ... - 20/1/2019 02:00

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

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By bestbirthdayever - 24/8/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I was at my sixteenth birthday party. My guests consisted of my grandma who I live with, and my 2-year-old cousin she was babysitting. FML

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By Emily - 3/1/2013 06:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

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Top comments

By mFormyself | 0

#604509 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:53

Tell her it's a typo?

By Poppycorn22 | 0

#604502 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:48

Haha, I've given projects funny names before but YDI for giving a file on your computer that vile of a name.

Comments

By Poppycorn22 | 0

#604502 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:48

Haha, I've given projects funny names before but YDI for giving a file on your computer that vile of a name.

By PlasmaWafflez | 0

#604503 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:49

YDI. Enough said.

By fred1rav | 0

#604505 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:49

did you died?

Reply

Pandachewchew12 | 0

#605251 - Monday 5 October 2009 20:54

no comment on that -.-

Reply

DaDezza244 | 31

#5133749 - Saturday 10 November 2012 3:30

That makes no sense at all #4.

Reply

lkhardin | 13

#5365718 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 1:27

RIP Grammar.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#604507 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:53

awwww, you used asterisks! you're so hardcore and cool!!1!

Wook at da big boii wif his widdle astewisks in pwace of fuck! awwww

Reply

JaneDoe_71 | 0

#604525 - Monday 5 October 2009 10:13

hum... he didn't... I did!

Reply

sublime93 | 0

#604797 - Monday 5 October 2009 15:11

Awkward turtle...

Reply

iceman05 | 0

#604850 - Monday 5 October 2009 15:54

Wow you are gay midnight

Reply

scarlett361 | 0

#606785 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 19:00

hahaha!

Reply

8_wow_11 | 0

#608473 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 15:39

haha, fml staff ftw!! :P

Reply

chameleon724 | 8

#2618767 - Saturday 4 June 2011 18:08

Umm.... if he hadn't put asterisks, this wouldn't have been posted.

Reply

FUUUandyourmom | 16

#3556460 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 1:51

There has been an FML without asterisks, you know.

Reply

bogan35 | 0

#4499552 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 18:24

awww wook at dis wittle asshole making fun of people who are trying to be not so white trash:)

Reply

Wingman527 | 22

#6059734 - Monday 8 September 2014 4:40

Boom shacka lacka

By mFormyself | 0

#604509 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:53

Tell her it's a typo?

Reply

blackscent | 0

#604666 - Monday 5 October 2009 12:56

lol nice comment
"tell her its a typo?"

Reply

f_u_u_f_f | 0

#604985 - Monday 5 October 2009 17:17

Actually "it's" was correct.

Reply

Jernau_Gurgeh | 0

#605901 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 4:05

The keys are like right next to eachother...

http://bash.org/?5300

By thatSucks7 | 0

#604516 - Monday 5 October 2009 9:59

oh boo hoo . . a 3hr assignment is nothing. YTDI

Reply

DoomJeff91 | 2

#605061 - Monday 5 October 2009 18:11

Pretty sure the FML part of the FML isn't about him having to doing a 3 hour assignment.

By drmoocow | 0

#604522 - Monday 5 October 2009 10:07

Anything you don't want someone to see should never make it into a document... even as a joke. YDI.

By IndigoKitty | 3

#604541 - Monday 5 October 2009 10:30

you deserve it. quit bitching about your school work, yes, you have to do it, its a fact of life. some people never get the chance.

Reply

IndigoFuckYou | 9

#2733838 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 1:56

he's not bitching about his schoolwork. he's bitching about sending his teacher a document entitled "fucking assignment for a fucking teacher."

By MissNat_fml | 0

#604549 - Monday 5 October 2009 10:36

lol i feel sorry for u but also think u deserve it for giving it a name like that

By WonderBlunder | 0

#604552 - Monday 5 October 2009 10:38

You must be blind for not seeing the title when you attach the file. And most teachers won't accept soft copies when they requested printed copy. It's either one or the other..