Love: Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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Commando

Age ain't nothing but a number

Face value

By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bel Air

Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bristol

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's a lesbian. And that she could only stay with me because I had a "girly face and voice". She also admitted to having a crush on my sister. FML

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By not right - 30/6/2020 23:00

"People have had enough of experts"

Today, I tried to have a serious talk with my sister about how she feeds her kids. The 5-year-old is 75 lbs and the 7-year-old is nearing 100. She scoffed and said, “What do you know? You can’t even have kids!” No, I can’t have kids, but I am in school to become a pediatrician. Pretty sure I’m right. FML

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By Nice Melons - United States

Today, at work as a cashier, I was scanning cantaloupes. The man buying them then looked me straight in the eye and said, "Nice melons." FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By Lexi - Canada

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter swimming. While sitting in the hot tub, my daughter pointed to the elderly man sitting across from us and mumbled something. I couldn't understand her, so I asked her to repeat it. After two more attempts, she shouted, "MOM! He has big boobs!" FML

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By Insomnia

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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By rowanjusmc - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

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By Zach - United States - Lewes

Today, I found out the only reason my parents haven't kicked me out yet is because of my OCD which makes me clean the house every single day. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 11:01

Classic switcheroo

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

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By siikman313 - United States

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

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By mypelvishurts - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

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By an egg - United States - Livonia

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

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By stupidapperently - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By redheadmess - 20/7/2020 02:01

Pay up

Today, my grandfather sent me a bill from when I had to live with him in foster care. I apparently owe him 62k for shampoo, food, etc. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Heather212

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

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By some band player - United States - Highland Park

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

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By oopsie - Canada

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

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By yaa

Everyone's an expert

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

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By John jacob - United States

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

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By In urgent need of a new roommate - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dukinfield

Today, I found out that boyfriend doesn't think he needs to wipe his ass after he shits if he's going straight in the shower because he can just "clean it up in there". We share a loofah. FML

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By 90 up I-95 - United States - State College

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

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By busybuzzybee - United States

Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

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By virginwhore

Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML

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By FootyFoot - Australia

Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML

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By noooooo - Canada

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

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By DutchOven - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

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By maharaja

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By Into the darkness - 30/3/2021 21:30

Losing more than I'll ever have

Today, my girlfriend left me. When she moved out, she even took the light bulbs with her. FML

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By Angelofkarma - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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Top comments

By mrtonyanderson | 20

#6081800 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:20

Smooth

By sarah5745 | 41

#6081801 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:20

Holy crap! Didn't see that coming op ;)

COMMENTS

By mrtonyanderson | 20

#6081800 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:20

Smooth

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6081815 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:27

Like his bowel movement?

Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Reply

AoC15 | 10

#6081818 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:28

He's a true gentleman

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6081840 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:35

This is what I call a bad case of the mudbutt.

Reply

ktm71125 | 19

#6081915 - Sunday 5 October 2014 21:04

I'm glad this didn't end in her running away, I think it could have been worse OP!

Reply

brivielle | 15

#6082216 - Monday 6 October 2014 1:00

OP didn't say how it ended

Reply

kristabelli | 19

#6082491 - Monday 6 October 2014 8:05

Oh, I'm pretty sure she ran away... or at least BACKED away...

By sarah5745 | 41

#6081801 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:20

Holy crap! Didn't see that coming op ;)

Reply

Jared900DUmpling | 30

#6081994 - Sunday 5 October 2014 22:40

I don't think anyone expected that ending XD

Reply

skychu | 18

#6082202 - Monday 6 October 2014 0:46

Obviously, neither did he, #2

Reply

greg84_fml | 21

#6082355 - Monday 6 October 2014 4:49

I'm going to be the adult here and say, "hehe, you said #2."

Reply

DarksideDoll | 31

#6084228 - Wednesday 8 October 2014 7:11

Taco Bell strikes again!

By nlow79 | 3

#6081802 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

barakados | 11

#6081829 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:32

Leave

Reply

Akouseur | 7

#6081906 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:56

This got old the first time it was used. Just stop.

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6081804 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:21

Hopefully in 20 years you can laugh about it together!

Reply

a_wiener_d0g | 15

#6081821 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:30

If she really loves him she can probably get over it haha

Reply

strike2867 | 13

#6082176 - Monday 6 October 2014 0:24

That story will take more than a lifetime to live down. Their grandchildren would still be going, "You will never believe what my grandfather did in the middle of his proposal..."

Reply

shanebob | 15

#6085001 - Thursday 9 October 2014 5:53

#5, i'm not sure "hey! Remember when you shit yourself!?" Is a great conversation topic.

By rainbowdog | 17

#6081805 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:21

What an elegant proposal

By ToxicTyrael | 26

#6081806 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:21

Really shitty!
But did she say yes?

Reply

brivielle | 15

#6082220 - Monday 6 October 2014 1:02

Stop.

By russiancat464 | 12

#6081807 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:22

"yes my dear, I will most certainly shit with you"

Reply

VanessaNal | 13

#6130449 - Saturday 29 November 2014 21:53

I laughed so hard at your comment.

By how_about_no_ | 19

#6081808 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

WoldowJR | 25

#6082081 - Sunday 5 October 2014 23:22

What you said only BARELY qualifies as a "joke," and it is in no way a good one.

By DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#6081809 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:23

Dude...Wtf?!? She ain't saying I do now.. What the hell happened? You have the runs before you asked her?? Get nervous BMs? God damn son..

Reply

cadillacgal79 | 32

#6081869 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:39

It was probably a case of, "where will you be when diarrhea strikes..."

By atak12 | 8

#6081810 - Sunday 5 October 2014 20:23

I hate when that happens