Kids: Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed...

By :( - United States - Pearland

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

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Kids

Extreme late fees

Backwards world

I don't wanna

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

True romantic

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

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By uetlqdja - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

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By elle_hamilton - 25/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Cashback

Today, when I told a gentleman that, no, he couldn't have cash back on his return without a receipt, he started screaming at me that I was calling his mother a liar. He told me to lawyer up and yelled at me for smiling at him. He also screamed at me to go on a diet as he left the store. FML

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By Anonymous

Is this dude a puma?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2021 15:59

Cathartic

Today, I was bored and horny. I figured, what the hell, and downloaded an adult visual novel. Five hours later, I was heartbroken and couldn't stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bury

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

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By SadFoxLady - United States - Des Moines

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

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By Blueberry - United States - Iowa City

You ain't seen me, right

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

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By Larz - Canada

Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head. I had a dream about cutting my hair and I guess it came true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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By ouch! - 22/8/2020 08:02

Innocent

Today, I was playfully chasing my daughter along the waterline at the beach when the biggest, buffest, lifeguard I’d ever seen full-on NFL-style tackled me. Apparently I "looked like a creep" chasing a young girl. My ribs hurt like the devil and my daughter won’t stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

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By creepermagnet - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car on the parkway. We pulled over, the guy told me his car was fine, and then asked me out on a date. It was only when I replied "no" that he decided he wanted his car fixed. FML

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By Natalie - Canada

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

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By Confused - United States - Irvine

Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML

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By maalmawr - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

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By strokingitasitype - Canada - Gander

Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Livingston

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

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By fired101 - France

Today, it was my first day of work at a very high end company. While delivering coffee to my boss, I set it down on the edge of a magazine, where it spilled over, into his crotch. FML

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By Habit - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Ottersum

Today, I got a heads-up that my boss suffered a death in the family, but was coming into work anyway. I thought he'd be depressed, but it seems he deals with grief with anger instead. I found that out when he yelled at me, threatening to rip my spine out my ass over a typo I made in a report. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while trying to help my disabled uncle into his walker, his one testicle popped out of the leg of his short shorts. I asked him to adjust himself and had to hold on to his walker as he did it. FML

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By mintyfresh - United States

Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2021 10:59

Romance is dead

Today, my husband seems to think sex once a month is adequate, and that it’s acceptable to nap on the sofa once he gets home from work, wake up for dinner, then go straight to bed. I also can’t speak to him while he’s eating, because he’s watching tv. I thought I had a husband, not a roommate. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 6'8" Russian friend picked me up, a 5'0" petite girl. This would be fine if he hadn't been startled by a moth and dropped me down the stairs. FML

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By Whywhywhy

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By well then - United States - Forest Park

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

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By fmylife - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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By skyphoenix - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

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By Violet - Australia

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

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By heartsick - United States - Davenport

Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

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By baby_trex_arms - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By peacechick25 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

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By peedonme - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

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Top comments

By amc597 | 28

#5758166 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:02

That's messed up, I hope he was joking.

By cakeandfilm | 13

#5758181 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:06

Look on the bright side, he could have written dead or injured... Or naked

COMMENTS

By amc597 | 28

#5758166 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:02

That's messed up, I hope he was joking.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5758226 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:16

In a reverse situation, OP can write "in a care home" or "in an early grave" as an equally witty reprisal.

\ | 28

#5758267 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:45

I think its meant for replies like "succeed" or "do better" or maybe even "stop whining"

5destroyer35 | 20

#5758269 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:46

Or to spite the father, "Every second of his life until he dies."

pwnman | 33

#5758338 - Monday 18 November 2013 2:46

Same, why did he get the mum pregnant?

euphoricness | 28

#5758357 - Monday 18 November 2013 2:56

Because frosted flakes are more than good!

cactusdesu | 15

#5758551 - Monday 18 November 2013 6:44

Because sex is fun.

coolcocoxxx | 12

#5759390 - Monday 18 November 2013 22:13

I think this is being taken far too seriously. Clearly it was a joke. I found it pretty clever actually. Something my parents would say. I think the more you can tease your family, the better relationship you have.

By jok3rjizzle | 6

#5758168 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

mario2012 | 18

#5758342 - Monday 18 November 2013 2:48

No. Asshole issues.

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5758523 - Monday 18 November 2013 6:01

Holy crap.#2 your head looks photoshopped to your body

By imchacon22 | 19

#5758179 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:05

Well that's not nice. I'm sure he couldn't have been serious!

DividableByZero | 11

#5758356 - Monday 18 November 2013 2:56

Or if he was, that OP finds a place where they feel the love

By cakeandfilm | 13

#5758181 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:06

Look on the bright side, he could have written dead or injured... Or naked

a_wiener_d0g | 15

#5758222 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:14

The last part was unexpected...

missalkali | 8

#5758259 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:29

really? cuz I saw it cuming…
maybe that's just because my mind is in the gutter though…

pwnman | 33

#5758341 - Monday 18 November 2013 2:47

HAH, MADE MY DAY.

j_729 | 18

#5758497 - Monday 18 November 2013 5:19

HAH, no one gives a shit.

TheAbstract | 15

#5758594 - Monday 18 November 2013 7:57

HAH, HAH.

Kittycorn | 17

#5759503 - Monday 18 November 2013 23:50

dude u funny

By annie_nk | 22

#5758183 - Monday 18 November 2013 1:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

ViRepz | 28

#5758378 - Monday 18 November 2013 3:13

It's clearly a joke, get over it.

annie_nk | 22

#5758446 - Monday 18 November 2013 4:33

Joke or not, that kind of stuff isn't funny. Something not to be joked about.

Flowtastic | 16

#5758450 - Monday 18 November 2013 4:37

Actually it is pretty funny and quite clever.

Soloman212 | 28

#5758455 - Monday 18 November 2013 4:42

Any two people communicating decide between each other what is and isn't appropriate to joke about. Your lack of a sense if humor doesn't mean a father and his child can't joke about anything.