Love: Today, my elderly dad once again asked me to make a reservation...

By Anonymous

Today, my elderly dad once again asked me to make a reservation at a restaurant for him and a younger woman he's been seeing. Meanwhile, I haven't had anything even approaching a real date in over a decade. FML

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Love

And today, on Dr Phil…

Social media was a mistake

Creepy idea, dude

By Anonymous - South Africa

Pragmatic

Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML

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By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

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By chriss - United States

Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML

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By some explaining to do - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML

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By unlucky neighbors - China - Shanghai

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML

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By marymark - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

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By hardtotell - United States

Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went and bought my wife a new cell phone for a Christmas present. She called me five minutes later saying she got a notification e-mail thanking her for her purchase. FML

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By turtle - United States

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

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By MsConfusedd - United States - Hazlet

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

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By Soverytired - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harbor City

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By Pill popping zit monster

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 14:00

Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

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By shit - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

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By sigh - United States - Frederick

Today, I was cleaning up litter from the street, when a guy asked who I work for. I said nobody and that I was just doing some community service. Before I could clarify that it was voluntary community service, he called me a "piece of shit delinquent", spat on me, and walked off. FML

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By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

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By marcy_89

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

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By Anonymous - Mongolia

Today, I spoke to my dad for the first time in over a year. I've been volunteering in Mongolia, I have no running water, freeze my ass off everyday and communication with anyone who speaks English is scarce. One of the first things my father said to me was, "out of sight, out of mind." FML

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By PunctureWound - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

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By sad_panda - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we could test me for OCD, since so many people have suggested to me that I might have it. She smiles at me and says, "No, honey, you're just really really weird." FML

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By macattack - United States

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

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By yardswoman

Today, I was mowing my yard when I hit a small rock, which hit my shed. I got done mowing and realized that it wasn't a small rock, it was my son's toy plyers and it wasn't my shed, it was my car window, which had shattered on impact. FML

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

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By motherdearest - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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By LilaTheGreat - United States - Boyd

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

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By fuglymug - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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By MJensen - Denmark - Herlev

Today, I wanted to be nice to my boyfriend and buy him a cake. Not only did I drop it in the bus, when I got home I forgot that I'd put it on my bed, and sat on it. FML

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By albinoalligator - United States - Elkton

Today, I declined an apartment because it didn't have a detachable shower head that I could use for my enjoyment. FML

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By NotALuckyGuy - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

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By 99jellybean - United States - Rochester

Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML

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Top comments

By MrEatYourDog | 14

#6250917 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:16

Ask him for advice.

By juststephhere | 23

#6250944 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:29

If it bugs you, just tell him to do it himself! It's no big deal, you'll find someone someday.

COMMENTS

By MrEatYourDog | 14

#6250917 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:16

Ask him for advice.

slingerslasher | 24

#6251487 - Friday 3 April 2015 19:12

Please don't eat my dog

By pinkgreenyellow | 13

#6250918 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:16

Match.com

By Hunthas | 17

#6250923 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:17

Dad and daughter double date? Sounds like the perfect thing for them to help you with if you are that interested!

TheCookieComet | 23

#6251019 - Friday 3 April 2015 1:59

She cant find a date. How will this help her find one? Be the third wheel?

phaelnb | 26

#6251102 - Friday 3 April 2015 5:01

I think #3 meant the father could ask for his date to bring son/daughter so he could bring along OP.

By Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6250926 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:19

You'll find someone for you one day OP!

By WCARlover | 34

#6250935 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:23

You should be happy for him still dating and not being a lonely crotchety old person! Your time will come :)

By juststephhere | 23

#6250944 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:29

If it bugs you, just tell him to do it himself! It's no big deal, you'll find someone someday.

By Carebeareatu | 23

#6250950 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:32

Guess it's time for some lessons with the old man?

By usmc_sean | 8

#6250951 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:32

Fatherly advice? Ask for it.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6250953 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:34

Can't beat age and experience!

By nphill82 | 21

#6250963 - Friday 3 April 2015 0:39

He's probably not as picky as you might be?