Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his...

By Read The Fine Print - 24/11/2012 05:55 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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Transportation

Face value

Does it taste good?

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By itsjustmyluck - 9/11/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I was in line at the store behind a lady and her young daughter. Trying to be polite I smiled at the little girl. She burst into tears asking her mommy 'what is wrong with that ladies teeth'. Apparently braces on a 25 year old is not 'kid friendly'. FML

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By Damnlife123 - 21/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 13:55 - Australia

Today, I was expecting my period. To avoid the embarrassment of everyone in the office finding out, instead of putting tampons in my bag, I hid one in my bra. It fell out while I was coming back from lunch. I am now known to all as "The Tampon Dispenser". FML

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By soapypete - 22/10/2010 13:26 - United States

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

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By mcadabax - 5/11/2011 11:06 - Canada

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

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By not-religious - 17/12/2013 09:16 - United States

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

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By Nutless - 2/4/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 14:45 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By Fluffy - 13/12/2017 19:00

Thanks, honey.

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 18:30

Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML

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By crazymirrors - 28/7/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that we should go to the carnival in the Bizarre House place where there were a lot of crazy mirrors. I checked myself out in one of the mirrors. Then my boyfriend says "That will probably be the only time you will ever look that skinny." FML

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By race - 18/11/2010 08:37 - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

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By b3ardown23 - 7/9/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2013 15:29 - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 10:48 - Canada

Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML

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By cartrouble - 25/11/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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By AmySweet - 18/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

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By HSampsON - 13/10/2013 21:20 - Niger - Niamey

Today, in revenge for me pulling the old salt-in-the-soda prank on him, my dad showed up at my college dressed in a tight blouse and miniskirt, demanding that I come home early with him. I think I'm going to be lynched next time I go to class. FML

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By TitMunch - 23/10/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, at my mom's wedding, I tripped as I was walking down the aisle. I was holding the train of her dress. It ripped. FML

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By PuddlePirate - 7/9/2012 16:23 - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

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By fatguyinalittlecoat - 8/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

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By webcammistake - 17/3/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

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By asianjoe - 11/7/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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By shittysituation - 5/1/2015 06:27 - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 23:13 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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By mandiballz - 12/1/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

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By Tampax - 30/9/2014 18:46 - Spain - Cuenca

Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML

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By 2in longer - 1/11/2016 12:57 - United States - Coldwater

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

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By Sonotsuave - 17/5/2019 01:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2015 22:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

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By Jakesssss - 10/4/2015 01:02 - United States - Hudson

Today, I showed a kid how to knock somebody out for self defense. He then knocked me unconscious with the same method I'd just showed him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 22:29 - Canada

Today, I attended a musical. A new song was played, and I thought I'd heard it before because it sounded strangely familiar. I sang along quietly as the song progressed, positive I knew it. Anticipating the next chorus, I belted out the lyrics with all my heart. It was instrumental. FML

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By Anon - 4/1/2018 15:00

Epic Boss Battle

Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2016 20:44 - United States - High Point

Today, while driving to a client's home, I received a text. Since I loathe those who text and drive, I pulled into a convenience store's parking lot. While I was texting, a car sped into the lot, rear-ending my car. FML

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By Robert - 13/9/2013 01:11 - United States - Drummond Island

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML

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By Lotz - 29/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that my sister has been stealing money from me. My parents won't do anything because there's "no evidence it was her". She's the only one in this house that spends regularly and has opportunities to take it while no one's around. FML

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By cakegirl - 26/5/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend invited me over so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom hands me a box. When I got home I opened it. His mom baked me a break up cake. FML

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By dammit hearing aid - 10/7/2014 22:17 - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was interviewing a woman for a job. She told me that she may need days off because of her artistic son. I jokingly replied, "Does he color on the walls or something?" She then stared at me with a weird look on her face. Autistic, her son is autistic. FML

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By booty backfire - 1/5/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

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Top comments

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5180513 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:45

"Like a normal person; call the fucking cops"

By keven501 | 12

#5180506 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:44

With a giant stuffed panda bear!

Comments

By keven501 | 12

#5180506 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:44

With a giant stuffed panda bear!

marik7410 | 6

#5180557 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:59

With a hot tub

R4inb0wBrit3 | 13

#5180579 - Saturday 24 November 2012 12:02

And Bob Barker :D

SurfSnowSkate7 | 7

#5180776 - Saturday 24 November 2012 14:27

And an intern!

KingCeltic77 | 18

#5180834 - Saturday 24 November 2012 14:58

With a Sandwhich.

Futacy | 29

#5180910 - Saturday 24 November 2012 15:40

^ and some spell check

FMLouis | 6

#5181022 - Saturday 24 November 2012 16:25

In my office!

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#5181255 - Saturday 24 November 2012 17:11

With a stripper!

kitkatkit | 4

#5181383 - Saturday 24 November 2012 17:57

With the girl from 2E!

MrFuckingFrazier | 3

#5182013 - Saturday 24 November 2012 20:45

Stuffed with puppies!

Link5794 | 16

#5182368 - Saturday 24 November 2012 23:51

With a top hat!

sens3sfailing | 24

#5182489 - Sunday 25 November 2012 1:22

Aaaand a brand new car!

ATSViper | 15

#5183839 - Sunday 25 November 2012 12:31

Maybe a combo breaker!

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5180513 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:45

"Like a normal person; call the fucking cops"

crduncan | 6

#5180784 - Saturday 24 November 2012 14:32

Is this a quote from a movie or something?

chickenflem | 8

#5180877 - Saturday 24 November 2012 15:26

Is it bad that I sang your comment, 2, like "like a good neighbor statefarm is there??" lol

jaredofmo | 22

#5180966 - Saturday 24 November 2012 16:02

33 - Nope. I did the same thing. It works beautifully.

jumpshot32 | 11

#5182083 - Saturday 24 November 2012 21:20

2. I think I would rather call the regular cops. They don't use fuzzy handcuffs if you know what I mean.

Dashelle | 25

#5737312 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:48

lol

By ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5180520 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:45

I hope you at least memorized his registration plate

Hockeyboy4280 | 18

#5181876 - Saturday 24 November 2012 20:07

It's always good to take pictures in this situation. License plates, wreckage, etc... A few pictures can go a long way in this scenario.

By Futacy | 29

#5180530 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:51

... with someone to beat some reality into that dude.

WritingWrongs | 8

#5180838 - Saturday 24 November 2012 15:02

What are you saying? That jingle doesn't actually work?!

Futacy | 29

#5180914 - Saturday 24 November 2012 15:41

^ *facepalm*

Dairyking | 8

#5182193 - Saturday 24 November 2012 22:18

32, It looks like your facetious tone has been overlooked. Hence why we need a sarcasm button.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5182487 - Sunday 25 November 2012 1:20

65-I think it was more along the lines of 32 just wasn't funny at all...

Futacy | 29

#5182764 - Sunday 25 November 2012 3:10

70- right you are :)

sens3sfailing | 24

#5187897 - Monday 26 November 2012 20:21

70-I don't think people understood we got the sarcasm in the statement, but still thumbed it down because it still wasn't funny...

By Funkymunky1511 | 4

#5180535 - Saturday 24 November 2012 11:52

Call the police dude. Or at least remember his plate registration

By kultyre | 7

#5180581 - Saturday 24 November 2012 12:03

Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there.. With the cops.

By SettoFail | 9

#5180587 - Saturday 24 November 2012 12:06

He was probably trying to be funny so he could get away with it

By Nutz101 | 7

#5180589 - Saturday 24 November 2012 12:06

That guy is awesome

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5182016 - Saturday 24 November 2012 20:47

Yes, but only if it wasn't you that he hit. :/

By Feverrotes | 15

#5180603 - Saturday 24 November 2012 12:10

So did that guy get back in his car and drive off while you stood there trying to take in what he was saying?

By ariverperson | 11

#5180615 - Saturday 24 November 2012 12:19

......what does that even mean?!

htownpostman | 16

#5180659 - Saturday 24 November 2012 13:05

It's the theme to an insurance company.. Google State Farm commercials

misterjez | 15

#5181380 - Saturday 24 November 2012 17:56

Double rainbows all the way!

psychobiker08 | 4

#5196712 - Thursday 29 November 2012 6:44

Really?!