Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other... - FML

By winks - United States - Reno

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

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Messed up

Everyone's an expert

You've got some explaining to do

By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 20:03

Greed

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

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By Hotmama - United States

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life. Now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

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By lifeguardfuckup - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I received six prank phone calls on the official pool phone. When it rang again, I picked it up, told them to go fuck themselves, hung up, and then left the phone off the hook. A second later, my cellphone rang. It was my boss, telling me to get a sense of humor. FML

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By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

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By DopeDickDover - United States

Today, at school, a cute girl kept glancing up at me, giggling, and looking away as soon as I looked at her. So naturally I walked up to her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She said she didn't like me, she was just laughing at how big a zit was on my forehead. FML

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By Al - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By Rolax - France

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

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By notacreep - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By scorned_jacketless_lady - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By Shelly P. - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

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By stretchy - United States - Bethesda

Better safe

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

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By Dammit - Canada

Today, I decided to be safe and tested a small dime-sized amount of Nair on my inner arm before using it. I didn't react badly. But as soon as it was washed off from my down-there hair I sure as hell reacted, with small bumpy red dots that look like an STD. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

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By fatguyinalittlecoat - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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By Canadagirl

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

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By anxious spaghetti

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By habbsrule - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By StaplerScared - Canada

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

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By pubes - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML

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By emisara93

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

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By burnbabyburn - United Kingdom

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

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By ssondik - United States - Hebron

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

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By lacieQ - Canada

Today, I confided to my grandma that I'm suffering from depression and I feel like a burden to everyone. She replied that her grandpa used to suffer from depression too, but that he'd cured himself in the end, namely by committing suicide. Thanks, grandma, thanks. FML

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By lonelygirl - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

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By Britishboy1991

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By AE86Turbo - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

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By atsukobo - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

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By KnowledgableEx - United States - Baltimore

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

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By utensils123 - Australia

Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

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Top comments

By chirstinap325 | 21

#6711218 - Thursday 10 November 2016 12:32

That's not how extra credit works, sorry OP hopefully he's understanding

By GlennGuagmire | 20

#6711230 - Thursday 10 November 2016 12:55

That wouldn't be an easy A class anymore.

COMMENTS

By chirstinap325 | 21

#6711218 - Thursday 10 November 2016 12:32

That's not how extra credit works, sorry OP hopefully he's understanding

By Tarlachia | 33

#6711222 - Thursday 10 November 2016 12:43

It must be crunch time for the upcoming exams. Get serious!

By Ilovemysphynx | 19

#6711223 - Thursday 10 November 2016 12:43

That'd not what people mean when they say tap the professor for an A in the class.

By GlennGuagmire | 20

#6711230 - Thursday 10 November 2016 12:55

That wouldn't be an easy A class anymore.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6711238 - Thursday 10 November 2016 13:29

Sing with me!
~it's a small world after all...

Reply

BillyMaize21 | 9

#6711269 - Thursday 10 November 2016 15:20

No, no!
Anything but that...

By FarFromHome_fml | 17

#6711266 - Thursday 10 November 2016 15:07

You admit it was your fault
Sorry op
YDI

By almost_there44 | 26

#6711268 - Thursday 10 November 2016 15:19

That's really not the way to get your professor to round your 48 to a 94. Good try though!

Reply

wow2mylife | 25

#6711364 - Thursday 10 November 2016 19:57

any other tips

By FinnThomas | 15

#6711302 - Thursday 10 November 2016 16:47

GOODBURGER?

By JudgeComrade | 17

#6711375 - Thursday 10 November 2016 20:31

If it was your fault, it wasn't an accident.

Reply

marcelj121 | 10

#6711403 - Thursday 10 November 2016 22:10

are you stupid or are you just pretending to be? if you walk into somebody at the store because you were reading the label on the back of your diet coke to make sure it still has zero calories its by accident not on purpose but its your fault...

Reply

Sevarog | 13

#6711535 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:51

But car are accidents are pretty much always someone's fault...

By lantz4levi | 19

#6711379 - Thursday 10 November 2016 20:51

Thank you for owning up to your mistakes. At least your professor won't hold that against you. Honesty is key. Way to go