Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was...

By OhJoy - 2/11/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

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Love

Boom, headshot

Mr Sensitivity

Lockdown is driving us down

By Noname - 16/3/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 16:12 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 09:25 - United States - Toledo

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

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By KiwiBlam - 7/2/2010 09:19 - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

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By shmelly - 16/4/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By Heavy D - 6/9/2012 13:45 - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

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By shellski - 21/1/2012 01:21 - United States

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

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By joshinbaltimore - 22/3/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By Oh dear - 5/7/2012 22:15 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines - Kingstown

Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML

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By tryena - 28/2/2009 10:59 - United States

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

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By pottypattypeepants - 31/12/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By danskinnow - 5/10/2009 02:01 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

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By badbowel - 31/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I was sick from both ends at work. My boss wouldn't let me go home, and told me to borrow a pair of spare pants to change into. I suffered another bout of gastroenteritis and shit someone else's pants. FML

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By toothache - 10/3/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

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By LittleSprout - 21/3/2017 04:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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By CalebNotShomo - 25/12/2014 15:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 14:30 - United States - Buffalo

Today, during a meeting with my boss, she explained she's giving me one more chance before she has to fire me. Her reason? I accidentally ordered chicken on a salad last week for a meeting and she feels my performance has gone down the tubes. FML

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By sbutler - 14/7/2011 20:14 - United States

Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML

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By Stupid_Chick - 1/6/2010 01:09 - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

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By hmdge1 - 10/6/2015 03:21 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

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By Stupidhuman - 13/4/2017 13:02 - United States - Sparta

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

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By ArsonistsLullaby - 21/9/2016 21:02 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML

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By prostitott - 4/5/2013 07:22

Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML

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By BurnBabyBurn - 22/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

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By helpme - 25/9/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By WorkerBee - 17/3/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

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By NotSpiderman - 31/10/2012 17:09 - United States - Edinburg

Today, I discovered a brown recluse spider in my house. Before I could smash it, it escaped under the door. Now I'm freaked out and wearing boots and gloves, clutching at my kittens and waiting for it to appear. My dad laughs everytime he walks past. FML

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By Bigbaby - 11/6/2015 22:29 - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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By Grandmas lost it - 28/8/2013 04:48 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I turned around after loading the washing machine to discover my husband's 89-year-old grandmother dropping her pants. She looked at me and said, "I hope you don't mind but when you got to go, you got to go." She then sat down on the toilet and let out a loud, long fart. FML

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By laptitesouris - 31/3/2013 23:35 - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By pianoblues - 17/10/2016 20:22 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

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By whatnow - 1/4/2012 02:52 - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 15:00

Today, I was brutally tackled and detained by a group of people until the police arrived, because I fit the description of a wanted criminal who was featured on the news. This isn't the first time this has happened, and no style change I've tried has been able to avert it. FML

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By budapesthungary - 21/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 20:23 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

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By daddydaughterWTF - 2/8/2012 00:06 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML

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Top comments

By firebird94 | 0

#650665 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:10

why the hell would you do that? its like if you're on line at 7-11 and another person asks you if they sell pepsi and you lecture them on how much you love pepsi because it tastes good.

By veganphotog | 0

#650662 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:09

Gushing message?

COMMENTS

By veganphotog | 0

#650662 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:09

Gushing message?

Starayo | 1

#650733 - Monday 2 November 2009 13:09

Yeah, sounds messy doesn't it. :

The_Pleb | 0

#650791 - Monday 2 November 2009 14:43

Pics or it didnt happen

Reyo | 2

#651167 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:49

The FML isn't that her boyfriend was leading a double life, it's that she writes gushing messages about loved ones to complete strangers when all she had to say was "yes". XD

LinkinParkPlaya | 0

#1023222 - Monday 7 June 2010 23:26

Damn, I saw it comming..

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#650664 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:10

wow what a douche

thats what you get for owning a cheese grader

jchansfan | 0

#650678 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:21

As someone who makes a lot of bad jokes on this site, I want you to know that that joke was just simply horrible. Guess you didn't pass "Grade Cheese". Okay now I'm not sure who's joke is worse. :/

ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#650765 - Monday 2 November 2009 14:05

oh lawd..
my turn: What's green and smells like paint?

green paint
:/

raumasy | 0

#668597 - Friday 13 November 2009 0:01

I blame you for this ILIEKGIRLS: What's brown and sticky?

shit.

duh.

By firebird94 | 0

#650665 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:10

why the hell would you do that? its like if you're on line at 7-11 and another person asks you if they sell pepsi and you lecture them on how much you love pepsi because it tastes good.

By giganticbrain | 0

#650672 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:16

That's what you get for acting like an idiot and bragging about somebody who you'll probably hate within the next year.

Harpy20 | 24

#651732 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 2:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Charlina | 0

#650679 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:21

ouch!

By Savvysass | 0

#650685 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:26

I thought he was my boyfriend!!

By QuentinM95 | 0

#650694 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:31

How about you all move to Utah?

Pevira | 15

#5615625 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:36

More like Texas...

By girlygirl666 | 0

#650697 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:32

It never occured to you that it was strange for some random girl to be asking you that?

nabzilla | 0

#650707 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:41

i agree. but wow i feel bad for you. but what if its a joke? oO i mean you dont even know the girl.

By jchansfan | 0

#650699 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:34

The way you said it, it kinda sounds like you overdid it as if to drive her away from him or to show off. If that's the case, then it is kinda poetic justice... But if you were just like "Yeah, I love him sooo much! =)" then I'm sorry that happened to you... and her. =(

By offspringfan122 | 0

#650702 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:35

http://ihatejade.com/?id=rd11gjw8473862ae4yfidz6sfqrwau
this is an awesome website