Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in... - FML

By tarini - 27/5/2009 20:12 - Bangladesh

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

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Assumptions

You snooze, you lose

Mixed signals

By slashteddy - 9/9/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

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By Live Sweet - 25/4/2013 05:33

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

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By unknown relationship - 28/6/2013 05:23 - United States - Shorewood

Today, after working at my job for months, I quit. Why? My boss tried to convince me that we are in a secret relationship after he told me he loved me. FML

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By doesn't fuck on the first, thank god - 23/3/2014 20:25 - United Kingdom - Southend-on-sea

Today, my brother tried to pay me to teach him how to French-kiss, so he wouldn't screw up on his first date. I'm shocked that the weirdo managed to get a date in the first place. FML

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By juliette - 8/10/2012 05:39 - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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By SHIT-BREATH - 5/6/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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By Alex - 9/2/2017 21:00 - United States - Richardson

Today, I am home sick with a sinus infection. I had to break up a fight between my two dogs over who got to chew on my snotty tissue. FML

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By My Body Hates me - 30/7/2020 05:01

What's next?

Today, I was diagnosed with a severe bladder infection that has left me in excruciating pain. A month ago, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. A few weeks before that, I badly sprained my elbow. Before that, I had the flu. I think my body is mutinying one organ system at a time. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2016 14:51 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML

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By 3023-dang - 15/10/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait for us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 20:07 - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

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By SingleAgain - 3/8/2012 06:22 - United States - Saukville

Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML

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By OhGreat - 30/4/2011 20:30 - United States

Today, my dad went through my room while I was out and threw away the "inappropriate pictures" that he found. They're the nudes I've been working on for art class. FML

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By El Boz - 22/2/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2018 03:00

Today I sneezed and shit myself in bed. It was the first time I ever slept at my girlfriends house, and probably the last time as well. FML

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By Username - 5/8/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

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By WTF? - 3/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

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By booyouwhoree - 3/3/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

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By unwantedforlife - 20/11/2013 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By Armstrong - 18/4/2015 23:55 - United States - Brownsville

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

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By Rmglrsm - 23/6/2016 02:21

Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

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By MLS - 14/2/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

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By gottacatchemall - 8/1/2014 05:43 - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

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By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

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By ambermcnulty - 5/1/2010 02:27 - France

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend had seen me naked. He grabs my breasts and then begins to sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He is 22. FML

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By Ashley - 6/9/2012 12:46 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. They jokingly asked me if I was only with him for his money. I didn't hear them properly so I just smiled and nodded. They now think I'm a gold digging bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 00:02

Sit and stew

Today, my dog and I got sprayed by a skunk. I have no tomato juice or baking soda, and the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. FML

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By Urgghh - 16/5/2013 21:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2010 07:44 - Canada

Today, I was robbed at work. The guy stole my cell phone, bag, and laptop. Because of the robbery, I had to close the store two and a half hours early. My boss decided to dock my hours. FML

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By amireallyloved - 17/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend asked me out was because the fortune ball app on his iPod told him to. FML

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By tired - 16/1/2013 19:02 - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 13:51 - United States - Pottstown

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 21:36 - United States - College Station

Today, my boss gave me a verbal warning. My crime? Calling people "hon", "darlin'", and the like. I work at a Texas diner. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

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By unemployed - 10/7/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I was at a second interview for a job that I really need as I got laid off last month. Midway through the interview, I went to cross my legs and realized I had 2 different shoes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was going to do some laundry, with the washer and dryer I bought off of Craigslist for 150 dollars. The washer leaks and the dryer doesn't dry. So I called the guy and left an angry message about how the washer flooded my kitchen. In fact I just forgot to hook up the drain hose. FML

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By bezoar10 - 4/4/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, my mother and I went to lunch and there is a really cute waiter that works at the diner. I requested him to wait on us like I sometimes do. While we were waiting to be seated, I heard one waiter say to the cute one, "Ya, the creepy one is back, and this time she brought her mom!" FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 00:07 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML

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By Joey - 6/2/2009 22:51 - United States

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

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Top comments

By maxv_15 | 0

#237775 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:51

DUUUUURRRRRRRRRR.
you so deserved that one. making life changing decisions based on your EX boyfriend... HAHAHA. YOU LOSE

By Jordie210 | 0

#237780 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:52

wow. don't let a boy stop you from doing something you want to do.

COMMENTS

By maxv_15 | 0

#237775 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:51

DUUUUURRRRRRRRRR.
you so deserved that one. making life changing decisions based on your EX boyfriend... HAHAHA. YOU LOSE

Reply

rbond93 | 4

#869379 - Thursday 18 February 2010 19:40

agreed, he's a wuss for breakinbup with her over txting

Reply

pertained | 12

#990926 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 19:42

she's a retard for molding her life around her boyfriend and caring that much.

Reply

robertandrew | 5

#4930972 - Friday 14 September 2012 8:40

This bitch... tsk tsk tsk. stupid fucking decision.

Reply

saw95 | 6

#5554474 - Thursday 27 June 2013 5:58

My exact thoughts!

Reply

ActionFearo | 39

#5887481 - Monday 17 March 2014 14:34

Never base major decisions on temporary things

Reply

msdtreadwell | 15

#6151423 - Monday 22 December 2014 20:43

haha I agree! lame.

By _unknown_ | 0

#237777 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:51

your kinda dumb...

Reply

Ty2win | 3

#3811475 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:45

"You're" kinda dumb.

By Jordie210 | 0

#237780 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:52

wow. don't let a boy stop you from doing something you want to do.

By beaverdogmouse | 0

#237784 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:52

haha.

By dengman | 0

#237789 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:53

wow ur dumb u let that get away for a loser :/lol

By angel03260 | 0

#237790 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:53

ydi for basing your decision on a guy. never do that unless he is your husband.

By ArtsySwag | 0

#237796 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:53

What does getting back with your boyfriend have to do with anything? This was so stupid.

By barc0001 | 1

#237797 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:53

YDI. Don't make large plans by factoring in someone who's already been an "ex" once. That way lies pain and sadness

By CaliforniaLawve | 0

#237798 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:53

Don't you watch TV sitcoms? That always happens.

By fatass123 | 0

#237800 - Thursday 28 May 2009 1:54

You are an idiot. I read it at first that you told them in the letter that you had gotten together with your ex. Then I realized nobody would be that retarded to talk about ex boyfriends when talking to prestigious schools

Reply

xlxshortiixlx | 0

#1932980 - Thursday 6 January 2011 8:27

I agree with 10