By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 00:30

Backstabbing

Today, I was chilling with my best friend and suddenly I got a text from my ex saying he wanted me back. My best friend saw the text and said, "Don't go back with him, you deserve better." I wanted to go back with him but I didn't. Later, I saw them hanging out and turns out they're dating. FML

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Serious times

Grammar police alert

CIA-level batshittery

By SeaBind - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

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By OhDeary - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 02:04 - Australia

Online shopping

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By MitchFail - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

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By Toaster - United States

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

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By bonzo - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after I drove two hours to his house, because he wanted to do it face to face. Then told me that if I wanted, we could have sex one last time, but I would have to leave right after, otherwise it would be weird. FML

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By emix - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

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By ToxicSuicide - United States

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

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By Anonymous

Yeah, that probably wouldn't work

Today, a coworker was telling me he was lonely and needed someone special in his life. I replied, "Why don't you find yourself a girlfriend?" He looked at me weird and said, "I'm gay." FML

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By Chicketi - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

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By clean - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

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By Shavaughn Riley - 31/10/2020 23:03 - New Zealand - Kawerau

Being a parent 101

Today, my girlfriend and I started to be intimate after a run of dry spells. I was looking forward to this, until one of our kids came barging into our room and ruined the moment for the rest of the night. FML

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By what did you say?

Whut?

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Gratitude walks

Today, my sister slept with my boyfriend while I was at work providing for the both of them as well as our child. I let her move in after our mother kicked her out. FML

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By coloring is not for me - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By thatsureshowedme - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I tried being rebellious for the first time in my life by sneaking out past my curfew. I decided to use my bedroom window to stealthily leave the house. I ended up twisting my ankle when I tried to make my "grand" escape. FML

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By lurna301 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

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By betterpianist - United States

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

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By linked - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

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By mcfaily - Canada

Today, I arrived at work to find an email from the manager whom I had bought concert tickets from the night before. He said he had actually sold those tickets to someone else. He still expects to be paid. FML

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By mistickfae - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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By kmjlevesque

Bye bye clothes

Today, I ran out of moving boxes so I used a few garbage bags to pack up my clothes. My new roommate decided to be helpful by putting those green garbage bags in the dumpster. It was garbage day. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

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By over_due - United States

Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML

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By Broon - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

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By theshire - France - Nice

Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

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By Grand Slam - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 20:08

All weddings are themed

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Commack

Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML

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By rositaleigh

Dad jokes FTW!

Today, my father and I were out in town when a lady walked up and commented on what a great looking couple we were. My dad puts his arm around me and says "Thank you! We've been together for 17 years." FML

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By Fresca11 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend. We'd just got our food when my dad walks in, comes up to our table and says, "I didn't say you could leave, you're too young to be dating him", then drags me out of the restaurant. We are both 15, and it was my first date. FML

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By LordAdam - Australia

Today, I accidentally left my concession card in the photocopier. I then got fined for not having a concession card on the train. I was photocopying it for a letter to get out of a fine for not having a concession card. FML

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Top comments

By DonULFonso | 22

#7971475 - Sunday 14 February 2021 1:15

Yes, you deserve better - a better boyfriend, and a better best friend

By mando | 10

#7971488 - Sunday 14 February 2021 2:39

They both deserve each other and you deserve better.

COMMENTS

By DonULFonso | 22

#7971475 - Sunday 14 February 2021 1:15

Yes, you deserve better - a better boyfriend, and a better best friend

By RichardPencil | 30

#7971482 - Sunday 14 February 2021 1:43

That's right, you deserve better and she deserves worse.

She's taking on for the team, I'd say.

By mando | 10

#7971488 - Sunday 14 February 2021 2:39

They both deserve each other and you deserve better.

By J15237 | 25

#7971509 - Sunday 14 February 2021 7:32

Not only do you deserve a better man, but you also deserve better friends. That is some truly fucked up stuff right there. You will find happiness once you drop that poison out of your life.

By princess_stabitty | 18

#7971530 - Sunday 14 February 2021 10:24

Yep, that's true. You deserve better - and compared to these two, basically everyone is better than a pair of lying backstabbers.