Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic...

By Urgghh - 16/5/2013 21:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks

65319

You deserved it

6404

Favorite

Intimacy

Proactive

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Tidy your room

By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

I agree, your life sucks

32718

You deserved it

2823

Favorite

By shadow - 26/12/2017 08:00 - United States - Osceola

Today, my mother-in-law told my fiancé that I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. I own the house. She’s mad because I locked the door so she couldn't walk in anytime she wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5741

You deserved it

262

Favorite

By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31608

You deserved it

6571

Favorite

By -1 friend - 17/5/2013 21:16 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55179

You deserved it

14625

Favorite

By frenchgirlll - 27/4/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was giving my crush a lift home from a mutual friend's house. When he got in the car, my mom asked in French, "Is this the guy you won't stop talking about? You can do so much better!" Of all the things I've told about him to my mom, I forgot to mention he's French as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61770

You deserved it

12614

Favorite

By SmileEveryday - 17/3/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I decided to ask my friend to the school dance. It's one where the girls ask the guys. I spent hours placing signs down his street so he would see them on his way home. As I'm waiting in his driveway with balloons I see his car reverse and go the other direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

91880

You deserved it

20340

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 04:29 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35677

You deserved it

6500

Favorite

By Ithoughtheywerenormalpeople - 11/8/2014 05:11 - United States - Houston

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43082

You deserved it

3696

Favorite

By chilegrande - 1/3/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, I was mugged while on my way to the book store. I'd saved up for months to make a mega-purchase of study materials for my major, only for it to be taken away in a few seconds by some lowlife thug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55137

You deserved it

4500

Favorite

By CA19oo - 27/5/2012 13:13 - United States - Grovetown

Today, I got yelled at and called a pedo by a mother after I sat down in a swing next to her daughter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I'm a 20 year old who really does enjoy swinging in my spare time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28733

You deserved it

4806

Favorite

By shaving kit - 31/12/2013 10:17

Today, my workplace was having a raffle and was giving away a Venus shaving kit. A co-worker won, but instead of keeping it, she walked over and handed the basket to me in front of everyone, said "You need it more" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34848

You deserved it

6496

Favorite

By Username - 6/11/2010 17:58 - France

Today, at my cousin's baby shower, there was a discussion on what to name the baby. When the name Jacqueline was brought up, I made a face and exclaimed, "Ugh, I hate that name!" I was then informed that's the name of my cousin's mother-in-law. She definitely heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10577

You deserved it

27465

Favorite

By anonymous - 6/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11578

You deserved it

32003

Favorite

By catattack78 - 21/10/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30198

You deserved it

3980

Favorite

By Leah - 24/6/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my boss gave me a speech about my "motivation issues". I've been working for him for 2 months, the commissions I've made for him paid off his bills, so what are my motivation issues? I turned down his offer of a date. I have a boyfriend. He keeps asking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34585

You deserved it

2613

Favorite

By ocroyalty - 1/2/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21352

You deserved it

2638

Favorite

By save me - 30/5/2014 22:33 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, things got so bad with my mother-in-law that I seriously considered faking my entire family's deaths to escape it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41571

You deserved it

4709

Favorite

By Nicks - 3/7/2013 15:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook as she did not like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74139

You deserved it

4784

Favorite

By Jeweler - 26/6/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74516

You deserved it

43587

Favorite

By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29919

You deserved it

4962

Favorite

By let ‘Er rip - 13/10/2019 16:00

The Sweet Smell of Success

Today, I was out on my first date in months. My stomach didn’t feel quite right after dinner, but I tried to ignore it. During the movie, it got so bad I decided to try to sneak a small fart for relief. As soon as I did, the theater fell dead silent. My fart practically echoed in the silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1586

You deserved it

494

Favorite

By sarika - 24/7/2015 00:12 - United States - Appleton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24859

You deserved it

2342

Favorite

By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/4/2020 08:00

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1575

You deserved it

211

Favorite

By TheLostCauseFML - 25/10/2017 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4801

You deserved it

951

Favorite

By CRWMEN - 22/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34296

You deserved it

3099

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50277

You deserved it

3748

Favorite

By beyondembarrassed - 5/5/2013 05:44 - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46085

You deserved it

78658

Favorite

By Narehs - 13/1/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30054

You deserved it

2867

Favorite

By Why Me - 20/10/2014 03:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my neighbor finally decided that when she walks her dog, she should pick up his poop. She also decided to leave the poop-filled bags in my driveway. I confronted her about this and she claimed it's never happened. I've watched her multiple times from my front window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33931

You deserved it

2755

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 14:00

Hmmm, nutritious!

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1697

You deserved it

157

Favorite

By nick - 12/1/2015 08:23 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35761

You deserved it

2713

Favorite

By Stung - 10/2/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a fist-fight with a wasp, aka a Nazi helicopter. Despite swiping at it with ninja-like skills, I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9423

You deserved it

28860

Favorite

By Ese - 12/10/2018 12:00

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2489

You deserved it

881

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 12:28 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42234

You deserved it

2794

Favorite

By well crap... - 21/6/2020 14:18

Running commentary

Today, I nervously went to the store to buy condoms for the first time. I felt like everything was going well, and checked out happily. As I was walking out, the cashier lady said to the woman next in line, "He thinks he's going to need condoms." They both looked at me and started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1728

You deserved it

143

Favorite

By gimmeasalad - 21/4/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10103

You deserved it

36742

Favorite

By Ava_Darkflame - 1/1/2017 15:54 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2331

You deserved it

114

Favorite

By RC - 25/10/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30211

You deserved it

10406

Favorite

By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/2/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50513

You deserved it

6488

Favorite

By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - 20/7/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14830

You deserved it

76754

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Grand_Cookie | 21

#5495523 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:46

Hehe! That's funny. I'm sure you have very nice boobies, so relax and tell him his junk is small like a normal person.

By perdix | 29

#5495557 - Friday 17 May 2013 9:10

I'll never understand guys who have flat-chested girlfriends joking or complaining of their lack of boobage. If that bothers you so much, don't go out with her. Otherwise, shut your stupid mouth and love her for everything else.

Comments

By raytyler26 | 16

#5495514 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:44

Does he have bigger ones?

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5495606 - Friday 17 May 2013 10:11

Good attempt at a joke!

mcaisse77 | 17

#5496191 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:52

It's not a joke, it's a statement that has no evidence and isn't funny in the slightest.

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5496635 - Saturday 18 May 2013 8:59

Haha she has bug bites

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5497072 - Saturday 18 May 2013 18:18

Sorry, I messed up, I know it wasn't a joke, I now look stupid lol

By sabrinaacrow | 26

#5495516 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:44

I'm sure he's joking, don't worry about it :)

fuzz97 | 23

#5496328 - Saturday 18 May 2013 1:18

nah

By Grand_Cookie | 21

#5495523 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:46

Hehe! That's funny. I'm sure you have very nice boobies, so relax and tell him his junk is small like a normal person.

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5495591 - Friday 17 May 2013 9:44

Or kick his junk til it swells and say "hey look I can see it now!" BAM. I won

MyNameIsViet | 15

#5495781 - Friday 17 May 2013 15:21

Or replace "kick his junk until it swells" with "give him some Viagra"

RedPillSucks | 31

#5495842 - Friday 17 May 2013 16:24

and ex-lax

By Scynistr | 20

#5495526 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:47

Reply "I would say the same if a mosquito bit yours.." :)

clemsi | 20

#5495931 - Friday 17 May 2013 19:17

or better yet "if your dick swells up like my boob did, then I might be able to feel you in me"

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5506587 - Saturday 25 May 2013 19:08

For some reason that crosses a line lmao I don't quite understand why.

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5495527 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:47

Scratch at his nipple in bed while he sleeps and say, "Oops I missed. Your tits are just so big I got confused." Maybe that'll show him.

ileenefudge | 29

#5495577 - Friday 17 May 2013 9:32

What?

Morgiepoooh9822 | 17

#5495593 - Friday 17 May 2013 9:49

I don't understand your ramblings .

Grand_Cookie | 21

#5495609 - Friday 17 May 2013 10:17

Drugs are baaaad, mmmkay.

By EvilUndead | 9

#5495529 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:48

Look, regardless of your breast size, he's with you. Think about it.

jkmartinjk | 16

#5495908 - Friday 17 May 2013 18:23

Thinking... thinking... What's your point?

By LaLa_xo | 14

#5495538 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:54

That was really insensitive of him. Tell him how his rude comment made you feel. Maybe you're better off with someone else.

fuzz97 | 23

#5495754 - Friday 17 May 2013 14:36

oversensitive much?

By perdix | 29

#5495542 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:57

So, you're saying that a mosquito bite made one of your mosquito bites look like a reat tit?

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#5495558 - Friday 17 May 2013 9:11

ermahgerdddd hi perdix!

perdix | 29

#5495786 - Friday 17 May 2013 15:26

#14, I think the swarm would prefer that you PM me a hello. Most are probably too new to remember you from the Bronze Age of FML ;)

perdix | 29

#5495814 - Friday 17 May 2013 16:07

#8, *real

I really should proofread in that two-minute window, shouldn't I?

By shadowedpixie | 19

#5495543 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:58

Ugh. My mosquito bites swell up like that too. I feel your pain.

And that was really a terrible thing for your boyfriend to say. I hope you let him know that that was wrong. Sorry, OP.

By LycaniaGarou | 16

#5495545 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:59

This brings the term "mosquito bites" to a whole new level