Love: Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great,... - FML

By paging dr. kevorkian - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

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Messed up

Breaking Badly

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 00:30 - Germany

You tried!

Today, my mom, not gifted for household chores, proudly announced that she cleaned the toilet. As it turns out, what she'd primarily cleaned was the deodorizer inside the toilet. Then she tried for the stains inside the bowl, unsuccessfully, then she gave up. But yeah, great job. FML

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By are you kidding me???? - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

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By Brian B - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

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By sonofawackjob - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

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By theRoomie - United States

Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

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By trooper93 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

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By 3some? uh, no - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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By jessica071509 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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By King_of_Cha0s - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

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By Kreen - China

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while waiting for my interview to start, I tried to slip out a silent fart. It ended with shit running down my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML

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By LoveMyNewBro

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

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By Felix - Ireland

Today, my 1 month old kitten peed all over my kitchen floor. I wanted to get some water out of one of drawers and slipped on the piss. My phone shattered and i dislocated my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

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By TKPhai - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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By Js2cool - United States - Fitchburg

Today, I went to clean my cat's litter box, not realizing she was in it. As I lifted the top half of the litter box up, she sprayed me with piss. FML

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By lala456 - United States

Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant "cheers". So I did a "cheers" with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML

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By JJLight - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

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By weave9z - Canada - Montreal

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

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By lmiller - United States

Today, when I logged onto facebook, I discovered a friend request from my ex who broke up with me and deleted me months ago. Upon adding her, I was taken to her profile where I saw dozens of status updates talking about how much she loves her new boyfriend, who she dumped me for. FML

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By cbad - United States

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

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By mrmarshall

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By The gay child

Today, a discussion with my father about what to have for lunch turned into a linguistics lesson, then a bible story, followed by religious anti-gay propaganda, and finally a brief discussion on why my brother would make a terrible military dictator. I still haven't gotten anything for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how I was. I got caught between introducing myself and telling her how I was and replied "I'm Kate thanks". FML

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By snappyPi

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

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Top comments

By yetanotherginger | 19

#5495050 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:11

And Grandma wonders why she's in a home...

By WhisperSoflty | 20

#5495063 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:16

Troll Grandma: 1
OP: 0
Gullible Girlfriend: -1

COMMENTS

By yetanotherginger | 19

#5495050 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:11

And Grandma wonders why she's in a home...

Reply

evilraider | 5

#5495107 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:31

That's when you tell grandma, " thanks we ll celebrate her pregnancy and the succes of your surgery together. We just found that you need one"

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#5495200 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:49

Just sit her down and tell her the truth.... PSYCHE! we all know that never works on women.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5495209 - Friday 17 May 2013 3:04

FFS. We need that damn old people category FML. MAKE ONE PLEASEEEEEE

Reply

Hobbit79 | 10

#5495273 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:05

So disturbing.

Reply

DyslexicPanda | 12

#5495495 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:03

And what precisely is "so disturbing", 39?

Reply

InvisibleMonster_fml | 16

#5495628 - Friday 17 May 2013 10:55

I completely agree! It would be a hit, old people say the darndest things. :)

Reply

Hobbit79 | 10

#5495914 - Friday 17 May 2013 18:35

Damn, replied to the wrong comment. So sorry #1 :)

Reply

yetanotherginger | 19

#5496194 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:53

I forgive you. That's the first time I've been called number 1 since smitty werbenjagermanjensen stole my hat

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5495057 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:13

One up her by telling your girlfriend that grandma's the wife. Although that may backfire ad hurt you more...

Reply

soulebelius | 17

#5495180 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:34

That was all-around stupid.

Reply

eMurpH | 9

#5495212 - Friday 17 May 2013 3:06

That would probably just hurt both relationships even more.... Actually, your grandmother might just go with it and anger your girlfriend even more.

Reply

Ainarr | 29

#5495362 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:08

Why does this idea even have any thumbs up?

By ucoolgirl31 | 20

#5495058 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:13

Explain to you're girlfriend, hopefully she will understand. Or get your grandma to explain to her. FYL OP. Best of luck!

Reply

gmian | 33

#5495330 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:53

Explain to you are girlfriend?

Reply

firegirl1993 | 21

#5495476 - Friday 17 May 2013 7:21

So, shouldn't she realize that if you were in fact married, and she's the other woman, that you wouldn't be bringing her to a FAMILY dinner? I'm sure if you talk to her she'll be fine.

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5495652 - Friday 17 May 2013 12:15

No, the whole family's in on it, they support him leading two lives because they want a bigger family. Dinner with the wife is Monday, Wednesday, and all weekend. The girlfriend get Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.

By jaff23 | 11

#5495059 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:14

Your Grandma sounds great!

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5495654 - Friday 17 May 2013 12:21

How do you know she's not? Maybe both of you just never thought of it. I know it never occurred to me to have a prank war with my grandmother. She is cool enough to have pierced her belly button for her 60th birthday though, maybe she'd be up for it :P

By kumonsucks | 7

#5495062 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:15

Aha the Evil Grandma strikes again!

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5495084 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:22

Old people need to have fun too! I'd imagine sitting in a recliner watching Matlock and eating soft foods all day gets pretty boring after a while.

Reply

Uhscanherdarklee | 10

#5495406 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:56

I blame Betty White and "Off Their Rockers" for all these grandparent related fmls.

By WhisperSoflty | 20

#5495063 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:16

Troll Grandma: 1
OP: 0
Gullible Girlfriend: -1

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#5495138 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:01

Troll Grandma: +2, Girlfriend that's in on the prank: +1

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5495067 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:17

Ask her to be wife #2.

By Supahnova | 14

#5495068 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:17

Settle it, then. Tell grandma she's going to a nursing home. Pack her bags and even drive all the way there with her in the car and wait for the right moment. You'll definitely win the war after that.

Reply

ss_20_xx | 14

#5496002 - Friday 17 May 2013 20:38

Oh so your grandma makes a joke and you threaten to kick her out? I just hope this mentality doesn't hit you back as karma.
Yes OP should talk to the grandma about not making such jokes but drive her to the nursing home?

By sexyboi1985 | 27

#5495076 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:20

Make her the other woman.

By LennyComa | 39

#5495077 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:20

Get her a Coffin to be delivered by a guy dressed as the Grim reaper and have him say "So apparently todays your day."

Reply

DDCA | 24

#5495105 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:30

That will only work if Norm MacDonald is the Grim Reaper. Either way, keep an AICD handy. You may need it.

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5495230 - Friday 17 May 2013 3:18

"Don't get mad, get even." I like it!

Reply

Jaxx66 | 21

#5495916 - Friday 17 May 2013 18:39

Coffins are too damn expensive. Although I suppose he could get her measurements and be prepared for that unfortunate day when epic gran is lost to us.