Love: Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great,... - FML

By paging dr. kevorkian - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

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Walk on the wild side

Left behind

Bass, how low can you go?

By fml9124 - 2/11/2020 08:08

Old lady hotline

Today, I called the Suicide hotline. I dialled the number wrong and woke some poor old lady. She thought I was her son and kept asking me, "How come you don't visit anymore?" I told her I couldn't visit because of the Covid pandemic. I lied to an elderly woman I've never met. FML

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By leosmom

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

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By RatCityChick - United States - Bellevue

Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML

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By daddy-o - United States

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

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By limeiscool

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By shadowednavi - United States

Today, one of the guests I was in the middle of seating knocked an empty wine glass from the table. I assured them it was all right and kneeled down to pick up the now broken glass. The lady insisted on helping as far as picking the glass up and dumping the shards into my open hands. FML

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By well then... - Canada - London

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

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By Loveless - United States

You tried

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

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By Adalia - United Kingdom

Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

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By emogurl - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

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By Mels - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

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By sneaky1324 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

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By shitforchris - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

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By Char - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, I walked downstairs with a couple of bags full of stuff, in preparation for a sleepover at my friend's house. My nine-year-old cousin looked at me and said, "Where're you going? Fat camp?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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By FreakedOut - United States

Today, my dad told me he was planning to have his steady girlfriend over for dinner. He's only had a few relationships since he and my mom split up when I was very young, so I was excited to meet the woman. He then told me that I knew her already. My dad is dating my aunt on my mothers side. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By hannamacintosh - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

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By fuckingads - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex to music, which we hadn't done before. I was getting close when it cut to commercial. I was so turned off by the idea of coming during an ad break that I didn't come at all. Thanks Spotify. FML

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By cunts, cunts everywhere - Australia

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

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By keerta_fml

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By natalieeee - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

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By Anonymous

How shocking!

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put his dog shock collar on me to wake me in lieu of my alarm. You know how those cartoon characters look when they're electrocuted? That's exactly how I woke up. FML

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By disneyworld - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By no no no - United States - Simi Valley

Game of Nope

Today, while watching Game of Thrones, my boyfriend remarked that he doesn't think that "sibling incest is a big deal" and doesn't "get why it's illegal." He has 2 sisters. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous

(That's 77° in Freedom Units)

Today, we're having my grandmother over. Because we don't have a guest room, she is sleeping in mine. It is 25°C at night and she is sleeping naked with her dog right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom - Buckie

Unmatched

Today, my girlfriend of three months broke up with me. Her reason? I'm "not interesting." I said things that might have led to a conversation, she would say "yeah" to everything. She argued about stuff I said that she didn't like; called my mates cunts; didn't let me have female mates. All her mates are lads. FML

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By igotsbadluck - United States - Smyrna

Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML

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By WeldedShut

Today, I was with a wedding party getting manicures. I absentmindedly used a freshly-painted nail to pick my nose and ended up with two beauticians scraping indestructible bright red gel varnish out of my left nostril with acetone soaked q-tips, while everyone sat waiting in complete silence. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

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By lonewolf2701 - United States

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

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By Amara1717 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

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By thacupcakeassassin - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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Top comments

By yetanotherginger | 19

#5495050 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:11

And Grandma wonders why she's in a home...

By WhisperSoflty | 20

#5495063 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:16

Troll Grandma: 1
OP: 0
Gullible Girlfriend: -1

COMMENTS

By yetanotherginger | 19

#5495050 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:11

And Grandma wonders why she's in a home...

Reply

evilraider | 5

#5495107 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:31

That's when you tell grandma, " thanks we ll celebrate her pregnancy and the succes of your surgery together. We just found that you need one"

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#5495200 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:49

Just sit her down and tell her the truth.... PSYCHE! we all know that never works on women.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5495209 - Friday 17 May 2013 3:04

FFS. We need that damn old people category FML. MAKE ONE PLEASEEEEEE

Reply

Hobbit79 | 10

#5495273 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:05

So disturbing.

Reply

DyslexicPanda | 12

#5495495 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:03

And what precisely is "so disturbing", 39?

Reply

InvisibleMonster_fml | 16

#5495628 - Friday 17 May 2013 10:55

I completely agree! It would be a hit, old people say the darndest things. :)

Reply

Hobbit79 | 10

#5495914 - Friday 17 May 2013 18:35

Damn, replied to the wrong comment. So sorry #1 :)

Reply

yetanotherginger | 19

#5496194 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:53

I forgive you. That's the first time I've been called number 1 since smitty werbenjagermanjensen stole my hat

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5495057 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:13

One up her by telling your girlfriend that grandma's the wife. Although that may backfire ad hurt you more...

Reply

soulebelius | 17

#5495180 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:34

That was all-around stupid.

Reply

eMurpH | 9

#5495212 - Friday 17 May 2013 3:06

That would probably just hurt both relationships even more.... Actually, your grandmother might just go with it and anger your girlfriend even more.

Reply

Ainarr | 29

#5495362 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:08

Why does this idea even have any thumbs up?

By ucoolgirl31 | 20

#5495058 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:13

Explain to you're girlfriend, hopefully she will understand. Or get your grandma to explain to her. FYL OP. Best of luck!

Reply

gmian | 33

#5495330 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:53

Explain to you are girlfriend?

Reply

firegirl1993 | 21

#5495476 - Friday 17 May 2013 7:21

So, shouldn't she realize that if you were in fact married, and she's the other woman, that you wouldn't be bringing her to a FAMILY dinner? I'm sure if you talk to her she'll be fine.

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5495652 - Friday 17 May 2013 12:15

No, the whole family's in on it, they support him leading two lives because they want a bigger family. Dinner with the wife is Monday, Wednesday, and all weekend. The girlfriend get Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.

By jaff23 | 11

#5495059 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:14

Your Grandma sounds great!

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5495654 - Friday 17 May 2013 12:21

How do you know she's not? Maybe both of you just never thought of it. I know it never occurred to me to have a prank war with my grandmother. She is cool enough to have pierced her belly button for her 60th birthday though, maybe she'd be up for it :P

By kumonsucks | 7

#5495062 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:15

Aha the Evil Grandma strikes again!

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5495084 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:22

Old people need to have fun too! I'd imagine sitting in a recliner watching Matlock and eating soft foods all day gets pretty boring after a while.

Reply

Uhscanherdarklee | 10

#5495406 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:56

I blame Betty White and "Off Their Rockers" for all these grandparent related fmls.

By WhisperSoflty | 20

#5495063 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:16

Troll Grandma: 1
OP: 0
Gullible Girlfriend: -1

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#5495138 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:01

Troll Grandma: +2, Girlfriend that's in on the prank: +1

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5495067 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:17

Ask her to be wife #2.

By Supahnova | 14

#5495068 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:17

Settle it, then. Tell grandma she's going to a nursing home. Pack her bags and even drive all the way there with her in the car and wait for the right moment. You'll definitely win the war after that.

Reply

ss_20_xx | 14

#5496002 - Friday 17 May 2013 20:38

Oh so your grandma makes a joke and you threaten to kick her out? I just hope this mentality doesn't hit you back as karma.
Yes OP should talk to the grandma about not making such jokes but drive her to the nursing home?

By sexyboi1985 | 27

#5495076 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:20

Make her the other woman.

By LennyComa | 39

#5495077 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:20

Get her a Coffin to be delivered by a guy dressed as the Grim reaper and have him say "So apparently todays your day."

Reply

DDCA | 24

#5495105 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:30

That will only work if Norm MacDonald is the Grim Reaper. Either way, keep an AICD handy. You may need it.

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5495230 - Friday 17 May 2013 3:18

"Don't get mad, get even." I like it!

Reply

Jaxx66 | 21

#5495916 - Friday 17 May 2013 18:39

Coffins are too damn expensive. Although I suppose he could get her measurements and be prepared for that unfortunate day when epic gran is lost to us.