Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face... - FML

By FromNL - 25/3/2011 12:22 - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

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Last dates

Healthy relationship

Billy no-mates

By bigmikenyc - 15/7/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

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By Aly - 9/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

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By butch - 13/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

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By ditched?? - 6/8/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 01:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

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By needtoscratch - 5/9/2012 14:06 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 18:00 - United States

The one that got away

Today, the only person who remembered my birthday was my stalker ex. He left condoms, birth control, furry handcuffs, and a lingerie set in my mailbox, with a note saying to prepare for our anniversary. We went out for a week. In sixth grade. FML

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By nerd_man01 - 10/7/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

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By littlebigbrother - 23/5/2012 06:13 - Japan

Today, we got a call that my brother stuck a rock up his nose and couldn't get it out. My mom had to pick him up and take him to the hospital. My brother is 20. FML

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By frmitalywithlove - 11/1/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

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By Caroline - 24/2/2013 09:34 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I went to the doctor to get a blood test and I started crying when I saw the needle. I planned on becoming a doctor. FML

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By ProudASDmom - 30/3/2016 02:39 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By Username - 18/10/2010 15:52 - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

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By Sivvus - 20/4/2011 16:13 - Reserved

Today, I paid £140 for a train ticket. All the seats were full. When I sat in the corridor the guard yelled at me. I paid £140 to stand outside a stinking train toilet for 7 hours. FML

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By monogamyisalie - 23/7/2015 17:29 - United States

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

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By Michael - 4/1/2010 08:50 - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

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By hellnooo - 15/8/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come. FML

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By are you kidding me? - 10/3/2014 08:22 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

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By raven_of_azarath - 19/6/2019 12:23

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

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By meens42 - 30/9/2013 08:04 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML

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By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

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By Ignorant - 7/10/2017 06:00

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 18:02 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

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By Snow White - 22/5/2017 22:00

Today, I'm so pale that I managed to get a sunburn while sitting in a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

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By JSeth - 4/7/2009 16:52 - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

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By Anonwymous - 18/10/2009 10:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

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By failedmusician - 3/6/2009 10:06 - New Zealand

Today, my band went to play a set for the first time. I'm the drummer. All was going well, and then before our first song I threw the sticks in the air, went to catch them, and one hit me right in the eye. I couldn't continue playing. Now I have to wear an eyepatch. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 05:02

A mind of its own

Today, I realized I'm getting fat. When going for a drive, I plugged my phone in to listen to music. I put the phone in my lap to start driving and my gut changed the song. FML

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By Steph - 21/6/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By LoveMeMother - 20/9/2018 05:00

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

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By Demetria - 20/8/2012 22:02 - United States - White Plains

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

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By seriously? - 5/8/2013 05:11 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

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By fmylifeee - 27/9/2019 04:00

But my babiiiiiiies!

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

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By Unhappymothersday - 17/5/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

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By BabyBeardy - 10/12/2009 23:05 - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

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By thatguy - 28/10/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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Top comments

By SARSvirus79 | 0

#2240300 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:40

What's wrong with that? Sounds like a good look.

By mayo21 | 0

#2240308 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:41

on the bright side, if your walking around naked no one will know it's you if your face is covered.

COMMENTS

By tjsomethin | 9

#2240289 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:38

Trolololol

By SARSvirus79 | 0

#2240300 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:40

What's wrong with that? Sounds like a good look.

Reply

supersaiyan7 | 0

#2240334 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:43

yeah, cuz he's so damn ugly!

Reply

EverybodyHatesCh | 0

#2240470 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:04

I am Conholio! I need more tippy for my bunghole!!!

Reply

xFuZioN | 0

#2240576 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:31

I don't see the problem. At least that way you won't see all the awkward stares you're getting.

Reply

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2240593 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:35

it's cornholio and teepee

Reply

bowchickawowbone | 0

#2240605 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:37

And the problem is? That's what's "in" right now.

Reply

MissBunny25 | 0

#2240607 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:38

OP since when is that a bad thing? every1luvsboners does that everyday.

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2240713 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:59

Sounds like a good time.

Reply

Horde | 8

#2240720 - Friday 25 March 2011 17:05

In other words "day" and "night" creams. OP, you need some lotion for your brain too

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#2240837 - Friday 25 March 2011 17:58

Do you still hear the screaming of the lambs, Boner?

And it's T.P.=toilet paper.
Don't forget to eat coffee grounds and wear a hoody.

Reply

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2240857 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:04

im only helping you cuz i heard you had a run in with that buffalo bill guy.... i heard he shoved a roadflare up your bung hole

Reply

rallets | 22

#2240869 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:11

it was buffalo bob in joe dirt lol

hooooo hoooo hooooo hoooooo hoooo

Reply

bugmefmlnotnow | 7

#2240896 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:25

Am I the only one who thought of Elfen Lied?

Reply

rallets | 22

#2241151 - Friday 25 March 2011 20:07

it was buffalo bob in joe dirt lol

hoooooo hoooo hoooo hooooo hooooo

Reply

rallets | 22

#2241161 - Friday 25 March 2011 20:11

it was buffalo bob in joe dirt lol

hoooooo hoooo hoooo hooooo hooooo

Reply

FarSide | 22

#2241285 - Friday 25 March 2011 20:47

Maybe you should use 2 boxes, in case the first one breaks.

Reply

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2241369 - Friday 25 March 2011 21:12

thanks #81 wasn't sure how to spell it. but I am now reminded.

Reply

largefoofighter | 0

#2243710 - Saturday 26 March 2011 9:55

epic reason to go streaking!! just put a bag on your head like you would on an ugly chick haha

By ChantelRenaeee | 0

#2240307 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:40

hahahaha WTF? I hate scientific lotions. they say all this random shit then mean something else!!

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#2240913 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:38

Scientific lotions? What the hell does that mean? Or did your iPod dictionary thingy screw your comment up?

Reply

sarapsosis | 1

#2241085 - Friday 25 March 2011 19:47

lol @ " random shit that means something else"

Reply

TempestRain | 0

#2241156 - Friday 25 March 2011 20:08

I have a feeling you are an idiot. Thanks for the lol.

Reply

sarapsosis | 1

#2241555 - Friday 25 March 2011 22:17

well I wasn't^^

Reply

josephhhhhh | 0

#2241581 - Friday 25 March 2011 22:24

yes they are talking to you, DUH! FIGHT... FIGHT....FIGHT

Reply

SassiestLemon | 2

#2241869 - Friday 25 March 2011 23:23

Scientific lotions? This is the best comment I have ever seen. Sorry, Doc.

Reply

shulgafish | 0

#2242108 - Saturday 26 March 2011 0:18

no offense but I just need know... girl or boy?no lie or joke.

Reply

ChantelRenaeee | 0

#2243493 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:46

lol well I don't know what they're called! I call say they're scientific.(:

Reply

ChantelRenaeee | 0

#2245886 - Sunday 27 March 2011 0:11

just say*

By mayo21 | 0

#2240308 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:41

on the bright side, if your walking around naked no one will know it's you if your face is covered.

Reply

Bakayarou_fml | 0

#2240400 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:52

He won't be able to see the bright side :(

Reply

Crucial347 | 0

#2240637 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:41

^^ lmao

Reply

KMilliron | 2

#2240660 - Friday 25 March 2011 16:46

If he's naked and hot enough I won't be looking at his face. But then there's the question of what skin condition is exactly. Skin conditions =/= hot

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#2240889 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:19

Is the skin condition on his balls? I don't understand, why the nakedness VS wearing shorts.

Reply

mazesm | 11

#2241052 - Friday 25 March 2011 19:36

23 agreed

Reply

SassiestLemon | 2

#2241880 - Friday 25 March 2011 23:26

92- Im sure the skin condition spread or something, so that's why he's gotta be nude.

OP- Next time, buy an expensive whore. The bangin isn't much better, but you'll get less diseases.

By chunkymunky666 | 0

#2240314 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:41

aw that sucks :(

Reply

SassiestLemon | 2

#2241861 - Friday 25 March 2011 23:22

What the hell is your account pic supposed to be?

Reply

Ohmygiluvcookies | 0

#2242004 - Friday 25 March 2011 23:50

some kind of thing without eyes but only a mouth eating a sock?

Reply

weetbixkid | 1

#2243392 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:18

I want one

Reply

bfflrhea | 0

#2244661 - Saturday 26 March 2011 15:47

i think the eyes are those black round things below the mouth. lmao

By Alienkiller | 0

#2240318 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:42

just puts one at a time

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#2240424 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:56

No, I think I prefer the naked plus box idea.

Reply

minniemouse61 | 0

#2242309 - Saturday 26 March 2011 1:14

lol or u could do that...

Reply

AceArctic | 4

#2244432 - Saturday 26 March 2011 14:39

Sounds like a typical Friday night for me!

Reply

sports_chic | 6

#2308612 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:40

put the face cream on t night an they body cream in the day !

Reply

krazygirl100 | 9

#2348778 - Thursday 14 April 2011 17:13

it sounds hot

By jmac317 | 0

#2240321 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:42

haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

By calvin10 | 0

#2240323 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:42

good luck with that!

By marinus_fml | 19

#2240326 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:42

Sounds like a paper bag job :D

Reply

minktheshrink | 0

#2240732 - Friday 25 March 2011 17:10

agreed. plus paper bags are lighter and seem to be cheaper

Reply

KMilliron | 2

#2240872 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:13

Recycle pl0x

By iEpicNinjaPanda | 0

#2240338 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:44

i agree with six. :p or just... ask for a different lotion?(: