Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, but she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML
Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML
Today, I went to a bar with a close friend. She got drunk and was feeling sick, so I carried her to my car to take her to her house. Some stranger accused me of drugging her and tackled me with her in my arms. She threw up on me, and he took off running without an apology. FML
Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML
Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML
Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML
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Top comments
whiskeydick 0
who gets anything off of one beer anyway? if she was any more of a lightweight she'd float away.
dan81892 2
it means that she thought she was drinking something alcoholic, and her being "drunk" was all in her head, although she still managed to do something stupid like crashing the OP's car.
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Comments (106)
hotdamn 0
Glad to see your girlfriend can manage her alcohol well!
joyride 0
FAIL.
kayykatastrophii 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
That's mean. Like people said, placebo effect. You should have told her the truth, because her brain was telling her it WAS alcoholic. It doesn't even matter that she's okay, because she got in an accident BECAUSE she THOUGHT it was alcoholic, and you saw that she was "drunk" and still let her go. Honestly, some people. Who would even want non-alcoholic beer? Beer tastes disgusting.
8trickster8 0
I have no idea how people like beer.
pinkdottedbow 0
It's because people are just too stupid to ever pick up something non-alcoholic. To them, it's always best to get drunk (that is, until they get liver cancer or something of the sort).
Grimmerie 31
i like beer. in my entire life, i've been drunk twice. i just happen to like the taste. but hey, nice generalisations!
crownlogic 25
Liking beer does not necessarily have to do with "wanting something alcoholic". Other cultures don't make it so taboo for alcohol to be distributed and people of all ages get to taste it throughout their lives. I come from a background where it is normal to allow your children to taste your champagne on New Year's Eve or have a sip or your drink if they were curious, or even when we were abroad they would try to serve us individual after dinner drinks as children (which I refused). I also grew up never once drinking a full drink until about 19 or so, and this was in countries where it was legal for me to do so. Being "straight edge" is fine...as long as you have a basis for it.
DarkCvengence 15
Well it all depends on how you were raised and your heritage if your mostly Irish you'll tend to like whiskey more and also if you were raised to like beer then you'll drink it also people have different tastes so yeah and non alcoholic beer is supposed to taste like normal beer I've had some and it only had a bad after taste and it was some Jamaican stuff soo yeah
Guiseppi 0
Dude, your girlfriend's a freaking idiot.
l33tm0nk3y 0
Placebo effect?
chaosbrocade 0
Anybody remember that Freaks and Geeks episode where they get everybody at the party drunk on non-alcoholic beer?
Raceta 5
We gave a friend of ours a bottle of vodka filled with water... She drank it all and thought she was hammered. She ended up kissing my friends dad, breaking their door step, breaking up with her boyfriend and calling us all dirty *****... It was hilarious... and then the next day she had a hangover! It is amazing what the power of the mind can do to make you think you are drunk!
usernamesarehard 4
How did she not taste the difference between vodka and water?
anythingcool 0
vodka is actually tasteless, sually flavors are added, but you do get the plain thing, its like water in taste, but you obviuosly dont get the throat burn etc...hehe.
MakeItStopWtf 12
Where exactly do you get this "tasteless" vodka, and what is it called?
David Horgan 8
Stolichnaya.
dewberry2001 25
#77 You have never had vodka. Fact.
zook43 0
42: how could your friend possibly think water was vodka? getting "drunk" off of nonalcoholic beer is one thing, but water and vodka?
BGMEN 2
Vodka looks exactly like water
abceasyas123abc 12
Sure doesn't taste like it, buddy.
Tyrax 16
The *really* expensive, smooth vodka has no taste, and little smell.
earwig12 1
#43 - if you've never had alcohol before you might not realize. Also, I think this is really interesting because it tells you what people's beliefs about what alcohol does are. I'm betting if she was a drinker who had driven drunk and gotten lucky before, she wouldn't have crashed the car.
RavensRule97 0
placebo effect