Miscellaneous: Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Fake News

By Aether - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the movies. After it was over I got up and noticed a designer purse sitting on the ground in the back row. I opened it to look for anything that could give me a address so I could return it. The owner came back, assumed I was robbing her, and punched me in the nose. FML

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By MexyBoy - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 months and I broke up. We decided to give back everything we ever bought for each other. I gave her the stuff she bought me and when I asked for my stuff she said she'd sold it and spent the money on herself. FML

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By notdaddy - United States - Houston

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

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By howniceofyou - Canada

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

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By happybirthday - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me a Paul Frank t-shirt. It says "I'm single." FML

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By benjavel71 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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By thathurt - United States

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

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By kalisa anteater - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By TheMysteriousTsundere

Today, my dad threw out all my food because a fly landed on a loaf of bread still in its package. He claims the bread and everything else that touched it is "contaminated". That was all the food I had for the rest of the month. FML

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By jrad - United States

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 9/4/2020 14:00

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

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By angryinlaws - Canada - Toronto

Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

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By RJB - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent two hours filling out an online application and questionnaire for a potential employer. The application stated that there were no right or wrong answers and to answer truthfully. I was automatically rejected. FML

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By sadandmad - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

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By achtung - United States

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By Tara115 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was supposed to present a speech on diabetes. The girl who went first chose the same subject, knowing I'm diabetic and that it was my topic. I went last, so I had to change half of my speech on the spot. I sounded ignorant about my own illness. FML

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By biglady - Canada

Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML

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By Weak Disposition - United States - Roanoke

Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML

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By ohgosh... - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my therapist recommended that I start seeing a psychiatrist. FML

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By Dave - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

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By Tang - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he wasn't on Facebook for the last two days. It turned out his father found out we were talking, and banned him from logging on. He's 19. FML

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By clashgurl8449

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

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By YeahItsmecoolhuh - United Arab Emirates

Today, I found a horde of ants in one of my socks when I put it on my foot. FML

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By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

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By Anonymous

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

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By Kin - United States

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, I was running late for school and accidentally ran a red light and got pulled over. I couldn't find the registration and was freaking out, when the cop told me that he wouldn't give me a ticket if he could give me some advice. His advice? Don't wear your shirt inside-out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:03 - United States - Kenton

Thanks, mom

Today, my mom saw me holding a plant and told me to walk around with it, to replace all of the oxygen I waste. FML

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By Omegared - United States

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

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By CriminalMistake - United States

Today, I was leaving a campus parking garage. Suddenly, a huge man appeared behind me and kept saying "HEY!" "STOP!" In a gruff voice. I picked up my pace and so did he. I finally turned to him with a can of mace and threatened to use it. He was trying to return the $5 bill I dropped. FML

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By bleach bleach bleach - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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Top comments

By DncrHap | 9

#1971455 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

pssh. what's the problem? two girls with one bone!

By geepc | 3

#1971461 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

haha oh dear OP.. maybe ease off on the alcohol if you can't handle it to prevent future embarrassment?

COMMENTS

By sofiainthesun | 5

#1971446 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:40

you got lucky ;)

TomasT | 0

#1971501 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:52

You tried NOT to shave her armpits?

banana_buddy | 6

#1971601 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:32

No I believe the question is "did he get lucky"

alfredrog | 0

#1972012 - Sunday 16 January 2011 3:17

better question, did she liked it?

xStarKillerx | 4

#1972131 - Sunday 16 January 2011 4:21

And did the girlfriend want in?

RoseBlack123 | 37

#5761191 - Wednesday 20 November 2013 6:05

Is your girlfriend's name Stacy?

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1971454 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

Awesome!

TheBeatlesAreLov | 0

#1974604 - Sunday 16 January 2011 22:46

Only in Jersey.

CaliLove14 | 0

#4080710 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:51

Hey

By DncrHap | 9

#1971455 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

pssh. what's the problem? two girls with one bone!

ctFIRE216 | 0

#1971896 - Sunday 16 January 2011 2:25

Sao comes the comment from one girl with no bones

Chunkylover76 | 4

#1972341 - Sunday 16 January 2011 6:34

I like where you're going with your train of thought there Hap! Plus did I mention I like your pic? Very cute! :)

monzach | 5

#1972887 - Sunday 16 January 2011 11:19

*cough* cheesy pick up line *cough*

RachaelJustBlah6 | 0

#1986161 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:22

bahaahaha! got her awws

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#1971457 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

french manicure ? =DDD

LightningLadyy | 0

#1971479 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:47

Moms love the manicures! OP, you are just so clever!

By geepc | 3

#1971461 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

haha oh dear OP.. maybe ease off on the alcohol if you can't handle it to prevent future embarrassment?

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1971463 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:45

So...
Is her mom paying extra special attention to you now?

By mozeltov | 7

#1971467 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:45

YDI, don't get drunk if you don't wanna act stupid

By detolicious | 2

#1971471 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:46

e-high five!

By mona_is_here | 10

#1971488 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:49

Is she a MILF?

perdix | 29

#1971561 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:14

When he's wearing the Beer Goggles she is.

Aerious | 0

#1971653 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:55

I'd hope she was.

By Doortje | 28

#1971493 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:51

So your future mother-in-law is a MILF? You better hold your liquor, who knows what you'll try next.

macskapingvin | 0

#1971815 - Sunday 16 January 2011 1:50

I'm sure next he'll try it on with the DILF.