Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my...

By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rich people problems

Peaky Bladders

Higher standards

By disgusted - 29/3/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:07 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 00:26 - Iceland

Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

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By workinggirl - 7/3/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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By Screwed - 7/8/2009 23:35 - Canada

Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 20:00

It never ends

Today, I had a "nightmare" where I found out I had more homework than I originally realized, and spent the entire dream doing homework. There is no escape. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 13:19 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By thedancer5 - 3/8/2011 16:47 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

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By bad boss - 3/4/2018 01:30

Today, I had to reprimand an employee for her bad attitude and terrible work performance. She went to HR and said I harassed her for being gay. Guess who they believed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

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By Sotired - 1/3/2019 17:00 - United States - Medford

Today, after working 12 shifts in the past 8 days at 2 jobs and thinking today was a day off, I got the call that I misread my schedule and I was in fact scheduled. Got off at 2:30 am, work again at 9 am with 9 shifts to go this week. FML

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By Nate - 6/3/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

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By jobless - 16/5/2012 07:36 - United States - Groton

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

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By 86145 - 16/8/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

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By "jjuuuuuuulless" - 17/12/2018 17:30

Today, my car's parking gear and parking brake failed. I watched as it rolled down a big hill into someone's 2017, $30,000 camper. FML

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By ryan - 10/2/2010 15:08 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML

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By thornrose22 - 1/11/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

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By xoothc08 - 25/2/2009 22:06 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By fatti11 - 14/1/2017 18:00

Today, during an argument that he couldn't win, my boyfriend farted in a glass, covered it with his hand, ran to me, and let it go it right in front of my nose. FML

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By bym - 13/10/2008 08:23

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

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By preggo eggo - 30/11/2017 16:00

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Today, after months of my fiancé begging me to have a baby with him, I found out I’m pregnant. He doesn’t want a baby anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 04:02

Pennies From Heaven

Today, I bought some shoes, but pissed off the lady working at the store by returning them 5 minutes later. She yelled at me and ripped my receipt in half, everyone in the store watched as she threw a handful of pennies at my face. FML

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By Spa Catholic - 10/6/2015 12:00 - United States - Taunton

Today, I saw a woman being mugged. I ran up to help and pushed the guy off of her. She then punched me in the face and called the cops because she was, "just living out a fantasy" and I'm, "a lunatic for trying to help." FML

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By anon - 23/3/2011 04:56

Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend of a year kissing another girl. When I walked up to confront him about it, he tried to convince the other girl he didn't know who I was. FML

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By whatgoesaround - 15/8/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

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By juli - 24/7/2010 17:47 - Taiwan

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

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By Lemonhead - 30/11/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike back to my house. Suddenly I was hit by something in the head. I looked down to see a lemon on the ground and looked up to see a guy yelling at me in a car that was passing. He was yelling at me because I got in the way of the house he was throwing it at. FML

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By watch_corn_dance - 8/4/2014 02:13 - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

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By carey33 - 4/6/2020 14:15

Quite the catch

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

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By Tiny - 29/7/2014 08:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 14:26 - Italy - Bologna

Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and must have rolled off. When I woke up, I noticed my braces were stuck to the rug. After frantically pulling, my mom finally sawed me off the rug with scissors. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By Brendan - 19/2/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

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Top comments

By DncrHap | 9

#1971455 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

pssh. what's the problem? two girls with one bone!

By geepc | 3

#1971461 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

haha oh dear OP.. maybe ease off on the alcohol if you can't handle it to prevent future embarrassment?

COMMENTS

By sofiainthesun | 5

#1971446 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:40

you got lucky ;)

TomasT | 0

#1971501 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:52

You tried NOT to shave her armpits?

banana_buddy | 6

#1971601 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:32

No I believe the question is "did he get lucky"

alfredrog | 0

#1972012 - Sunday 16 January 2011 3:17

better question, did she liked it?

xStarKillerx | 4

#1972131 - Sunday 16 January 2011 4:21

And did the girlfriend want in?

RoseBlack123 | 37

#5761191 - Wednesday 20 November 2013 6:05

Is your girlfriend's name Stacy?

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1971454 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

Awesome!

TheBeatlesAreLov | 0

#1974604 - Sunday 16 January 2011 22:46

Only in Jersey.

CaliLove14 | 0

#4080710 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:51

Hey

By DncrHap | 9

#1971455 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

pssh. what's the problem? two girls with one bone!

ctFIRE216 | 0

#1971896 - Sunday 16 January 2011 2:25

Sao comes the comment from one girl with no bones

Chunkylover76 | 4

#1972341 - Sunday 16 January 2011 6:34

I like where you're going with your train of thought there Hap! Plus did I mention I like your pic? Very cute! :)

monzach | 5

#1972887 - Sunday 16 January 2011 11:19

*cough* cheesy pick up line *cough*

RachaelJustBlah6 | 0

#1986161 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:22

bahaahaha! got her awws

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#1971457 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

french manicure ? =DDD

LightningLadyy | 0

#1971479 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:47

Moms love the manicures! OP, you are just so clever!

By geepc | 3

#1971461 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

haha oh dear OP.. maybe ease off on the alcohol if you can't handle it to prevent future embarrassment?

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1971463 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:45

So...
Is her mom paying extra special attention to you now?

By mozeltov | 7

#1971467 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:45

YDI, don't get drunk if you don't wanna act stupid

By detolicious | 2

#1971471 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:46

e-high five!

By mona_is_here | 10

#1971488 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:49

Is she a MILF?

perdix | 29

#1971561 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:14

When he's wearing the Beer Goggles she is.

Aerious | 0

#1971653 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:55

I'd hope she was.

By Doortje | 28

#1971493 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:51

So your future mother-in-law is a MILF? You better hold your liquor, who knows what you'll try next.

macskapingvin | 0

#1971815 - Sunday 16 January 2011 1:50

I'm sure next he'll try it on with the DILF.