Miscellaneous: Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Out of it

Season finale

By Ryan McArdle - 25/1/2021 10:58

What did I do?

Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML

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By fuck you, bitchcake - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By Cherub - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

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By Shame - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

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By poormom - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By smashyonewfloors - Canada - High River

Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML

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By PuppyPeeTimee. - United Kingdom

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

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By Katy3225 - United States - Rockaway Park

First Impression

Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

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By Theboredone

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

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By robertsonjimmy - United States

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

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50523

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By btchzloveit - United States

Today, after 4 months of no family contact while deployed in the military, I receive an email from my mother. Attached was a picture of a toilet full of green shit, with a message from my mom saying, "Seen neon poo before? Thought I would share!" FML

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By littlemisstiny - Ireland

Today, I swapped seats with someone on a ferry so she could sit next to her friend. Minutes later, a child sitting behind me threw up on my head, while the girl I had swapped with and her friend laughed hysterically as I attempted to wipe the puke from my hair. FML

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51702

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By Charlie - Australia

Today, it was raining. I was out walking with my girlfriend, and decided it would be cute if we did a bit of dancing in the rain. As I was swinging her around, I swung her head against a lamp post. She broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML

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By brownunderwear - United States

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

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By pregz - United States

Today, my hiccups got so intense that I threw up in the middle of class. FML

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By juliaspaperbags - United States

Today, I was at the lake watching a romantic sunset with my boyfriend. He tenderly started touching my thigh, then started shaking my leg to the rhythm while singing the J-E-L-L-O theme song. FML

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By Anonymous

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring?

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By ===== - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

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By Twysted91 - United States - Milford

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

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By Ally - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

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21946

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By crazystar69 - United States

Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML

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By bob the builders pissed off daughter - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

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By boo! - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

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28419

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By a critically injured shitehawk - United Kingdom - York

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

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35065

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom cut off the legs of all my pants, because she says I don't show enough skin for guys. I'm now forced to wear jaggedly cut shorts that barely cover my thighs until I can buy new ones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

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By legitweirdo - United States - Brooklyn

Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight, the guy sitting next to me picked an eyelash he found on my face, stared at it for a few seconds, and stuck it in his mouth. FML

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By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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By badbestfriend - United States

Today, I took my best friend out for a night in town, after he got dumped by his girlfriend recently. As we were walking around, we passed a group of hot women, a couple who were checking him out. Trying to be encouraging, I said "He's single!" and winked. One of the girls was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By DncrHap | 9

#1971455 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

pssh. what's the problem? two girls with one bone!

By geepc | 3

#1971461 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

haha oh dear OP.. maybe ease off on the alcohol if you can't handle it to prevent future embarrassment?

COMMENTS

By sofiainthesun | 5

#1971446 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:40

you got lucky ;)

TomasT | 0

#1971501 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:52

You tried NOT to shave her armpits?

banana_buddy | 6

#1971601 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:32

No I believe the question is "did he get lucky"

alfredrog | 0

#1972012 - Sunday 16 January 2011 3:17

better question, did she liked it?

xStarKillerx | 4

#1972131 - Sunday 16 January 2011 4:21

And did the girlfriend want in?

RoseBlack123 | 37

#5761191 - Wednesday 20 November 2013 6:05

Is your girlfriend's name Stacy?

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1971454 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

Awesome!

TheBeatlesAreLov | 0

#1974604 - Sunday 16 January 2011 22:46

Only in Jersey.

CaliLove14 | 0

#4080710 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:51

Hey

By DncrHap | 9

#1971455 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:42

pssh. what's the problem? two girls with one bone!

ctFIRE216 | 0

#1971896 - Sunday 16 January 2011 2:25

Sao comes the comment from one girl with no bones

Chunkylover76 | 4

#1972341 - Sunday 16 January 2011 6:34

I like where you're going with your train of thought there Hap! Plus did I mention I like your pic? Very cute! :)

monzach | 5

#1972887 - Sunday 16 January 2011 11:19

*cough* cheesy pick up line *cough*

RachaelJustBlah6 | 0

#1986161 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:22

bahaahaha! got her awws

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#1971457 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

french manicure ? =DDD

LightningLadyy | 0

#1971479 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:47

Moms love the manicures! OP, you are just so clever!

By geepc | 3

#1971461 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:43

haha oh dear OP.. maybe ease off on the alcohol if you can't handle it to prevent future embarrassment?

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1971463 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:45

So...
Is her mom paying extra special attention to you now?

By mozeltov | 7

#1971467 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:45

YDI, don't get drunk if you don't wanna act stupid

By detolicious | 2

#1971471 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:46

e-high five!

By mona_is_here | 10

#1971488 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:49

Is she a MILF?

perdix | 29

#1971561 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:14

When he's wearing the Beer Goggles she is.

Aerious | 0

#1971653 - Sunday 16 January 2011 0:55

I'd hope she was.

By Doortje | 29

#1971493 - Saturday 15 January 2011 23:51

So your future mother-in-law is a MILF? You better hold your liquor, who knows what you'll try next.

macskapingvin | 0

#1971815 - Sunday 16 January 2011 1:50

I'm sure next he'll try it on with the DILF.