Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, but she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML
Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML
Today, I went to a bar with a close friend. She got drunk and was feeling sick, so I carried her to my car to take her to her house. Some stranger accused me of drugging her and tackled me with her in my arms. She threw up on me, and he took off running without an apology. FML
Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML
Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML
Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML
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Top comments
whiskeydick 0
who gets anything off of one beer anyway? if she was any more of a lightweight she'd float away.
dan81892 2
it means that she thought she was drinking something alcoholic, and her being "drunk" was all in her head, although she still managed to do something stupid like crashing the OP's car.
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Comments (106)
cartering 0
17, people with certain medical conditions can get "drunk" off of things like cough medicine. That's why they can't ever take anything over the counter without a doctor's pre-approval. Sounds like his girlfriend is one of them and he learned it the hard way
dewberry2001 25
Medical conditions required to get ****** up off cough syrup: 1) Breathing 2) Has pulse 3) In the animal kingdom
xRachaelColleenx 0
Umm...can I just say...What the ****? lol
lilylam 0
isnt there a difference in taste without the alcohol in the drink or something?
Roddsy 0
LOL drunk off non-alcoholic beer?! freakin hilarious ^o^ F both of your lives. XD and yeah, there's a difference in taste #48 ^^; but non-alcoholic beers still contain a little alcohol in them.
Rag_dollxx 21
Of course they don't. If they contained alcohol they wouldn't be called "non alcoholic" would they, you spoon.
spadez 0
Bitch
Ventriloquisitor 0
Should have given her a fortified beer instead, keep her mind off Mr. Monk Seal.
mtorres8789 0
how powerful the mind is (sigh) lol. thats what you get.
SookMauNoots 0
who gets that drunk off one beer anyways? even if it does have alcohol. what a dumb bitch. fhl
dan81892 2
it means that she thought she was drinking something alcoholic, and her being "drunk" was all in her head, although she still managed to do something stupid like crashing the OP's car.
Ninjaface 0
Placebo effects are awesome, huh?