Kids: Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband... - FML

By how about never? - 19/10/2014 11:22 - United States - San Fernando

Spicy

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 908

You deserved it 5 162

Labour Day: Rest or Disaster?
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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 29/10/2012 10:32 - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 792

You deserved it 2 706

By Lennyr - 28/08/2016 06:36 - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 541

You deserved it 1 094

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 02:43 - United States - Titusville

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 250

You deserved it 3 525

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 02:13 - United States - Herndon

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 012

You deserved it 9 445

Family portrait

By Anonymous - 29/05/2022 14:00

Today, I gave birth, but my husband was late and got here just in time to cut the cord. He was hung over after celebrating his impending fatherhood all night. He missed the cord twice, cut it, then fell over, and wound up in the bed next to mine, with a hydrating IV and a bashed head where he hit it on the baby's cot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 187

Asshat

By Julissa - 25/02/2021 00:30

Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 869

You deserved it 116

By you ripped them off ages ago - 17/08/2014 06:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 044

You deserved it 16 318

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 04:25 - Canada - Winnipeg

Spicy

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 869

You deserved it 6 503

Not now!

By Ineedit - 26/02/2010 17:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 099

You deserved it 2 568

By wifeofafainter - 24/09/2015 06:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 413

You deserved it 3 070

Next

Top comments

LostMy_Marbles 24

Monday 20 October 2014 0:51

At least he isn't scarred over watching the whole ordeal!

Enslaved 36

Monday 20 October 2014 0:56

Almost as charming as a guy asking the doctor to add a few extra stitches in.

Comments

movaa 11

Monday 20 October 2014 1:21

Why would you hit a newborn? That's just rude. ///Sarcasm

kingkevin2001 9

Monday 20 October 2014 1:21

Legitimate life question.

BasedComment 15

Monday 20 October 2014 1:23

You can say she's screwed now.

enddmd 27

Monday 20 October 2014 4:03

No, OP is screwed in about 6 weeks.

KittehFreak 25

Monday 20 October 2014 6:59

If you want to get technical, she's already screwed. Unless she's the next Virgin Mary.

kitten1800 18

Monday 20 October 2014 7:18

No, #54, that's Jane the Virgin

sydneysays 15

Monday 20 October 2014 1:30

Sorry:( congratulations on the baby!

liza1922 7

Monday 20 October 2014 1:31

Not for 6 weeks!!!! Also should be cautious if you nurse the baby. You are extremely fertile when you wheen the baby, found that one out when I was pregnant with my second.

horneyhic 15

Monday 20 October 2014 13:24

That's accually not true most ppl are less fertile when breast feeding. You are not infertile tho so it is still possible

kittymisfit 13

Monday 20 October 2014 2:10

Thank you for breeding with this gem of the genepool.

Niedermayer_20 12

Monday 20 October 2014 2:10

What a Stud. An honest man ladies. Something you girls should admire.

narutoreference 10

Monday 20 October 2014 2:14

Congrats on the baby! Sadly he's being silly at the wrong time or being horny at the wrong time. There is a time and place for sex and intimacy, and this isn't it. At least he enjoys you I guess...

NotABoob 2

Monday 20 October 2014 2:15

You can have sex as soon as you want. My parents were at it again 2 days after. Same with me.

jeepers_1 21

Monday 20 October 2014 6:27

Very, very bad idea. That can cause hemorrhage and internal distress. Not to mention the extreme pain for the woman (even if she had a c-section, things are still tender).

ohSNAPyall 26

Monday 20 October 2014 14:10

Your parents might overshare with you.

yungmumma88 10

Monday 20 October 2014 20:30

Ow! Took me 4 weeks and it was still sore!

AFaye3964 17

Monday 20 October 2014 2:20

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The Top

Today, I told my ultra-Catholic mother that I was hanging out with a girl. While walking out of the flat, I didn't realize that I'd dropped one of my condoms out of my pocket. My mother saw it and ripped it apart, then yelled at me that, "Sex is for having children! You're giving yourselves to Satan!" I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 319

Today, the coworker I have been hitting it off with rejected me. Apparently she has a crush on another male employee. An employee who is married and somehow has three other girls in our store actually fighting over him (I've heard arguments). She thinks she has a chance? FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 178

The Top

Today, my future husband presented me with an engagement ring he had had engraved with the pet name he calls his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 414

You deserved it 1 069

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 389

You deserved it 5 762

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 272

You deserved it 36 238

Today, while reading some chemistry notes, I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say, "Ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 801

You deserved it 84 661

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had peed all over my coffee table, and more specifically on my laptop, completely ruining it. When I confronted her, she looked at me with what I can only describe as a smug expression, as if to say, "You're not the boss of me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 517

You deserved it 614

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 885

You deserved it 2 751