Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to sneak up and scare me in the grocery aisle at the store. I screamed and jumped, knocking half the shelf's contents all over the floor. We're now banned from the only grocery store in town. FML
Today, I shat myself in the middle of Walmart. It dripped out the bottom of my pants till i made it to the restroom, which was on the other side of the store. FML
Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML
Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML
Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML
Today, I finally got over having constipation for two days straight. It came in the form of a normal-sized, rock-hard turd that made me scream "Ow!" when it came out. FML
Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML
Today, I had to take a laxative for the first time. Instead of working gently overnight like it promised, I woke up at 3 a.m. to an unrelenting river of shit that made my legs numb on the toilet. FML
Today, my brother thought jumping out and punching me in the stomach would cure my hiccups. Yeah. Didn't work. FML
Today, I was at Walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong, she said that I'd "killed her nose." FML
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Top comments
Jf770 10
Have fun with that.
Razzle_Dazzle_5 11
That must of hurt. I'm guessing it would be like a boulder going through a straw.
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Comments (105)
TaniasaysFMLL 15
Now you know who to call when you're constipated
THE_A_TEEN 28
Ghostbusters?
KiddNYC1O 22
Probably just the ghost. Lol
Bigbrodza 3
Hahaha! 24, I thought exactly of that right before I tap'd the comment to see the sub-comments.
gigglingalways 6
Clean up in aisle 2.
marik7410 6
HA!
challan 19
Brown light special?
DocBastard 40
I always had a feeling that Walmart was full of shit. Now you confirmed it.
life_lol 0
Well they always have low prices.
micahsmommy 13
How nice of him to help you with that. Next time ask for his services to occur at home rather than in public.
SkoomaKi 28
It's okay Noor! Admitting your mistake is the first step!
rubberduckie94 13
At least it happened at a place where you could easily buy fresh pants.
ClosetTroll 10
Saved you from laxatives.
KiddNYC1O 22
The magnesia laxatives are rather gentle.
ClosetTroll 10
Never had to use them, fortunately.
KiddNYC1O 22
Doesn't have to be a necessity. It's used as a mild cleanser too.
ClosetTroll 10
Water works surprisingly well too.
KiddNYC1O 22
No shit. =]
ClosetTroll 10
Counter-intuitive, don't you think? ;)
KiddNYC1O 22
Indeed. Lol
bettyboop428 24
Liquid magnesia laxatives are actually scary. I work at walmart and spilled a bottle in the back and it ate through the wax and into the concrete. I shudder to think of what it could do to our insides.
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
Ah, the colorful People of Walmart. I'm sure you fit right in with everyone else now.
perdix 31
If only that website could transmit the smell of the customers to augment the hysterically entertaining visuals.
nadnerbz 6
If this was gonna happen at one place, it didnt surprise me it was at Walmart