Miscellaneous: Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for...

By Anonymous - 30/04/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 032

You deserved it 4 050

Miscellaneous

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Late term

Family heirloom

By piss off - 08/04/2016 22:05 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer at the fast-food joint I work at gave me a pitying look and asked "How's that liberal arts degree treating ya?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 760

You deserved it 3 170

Grow up

By Anonymous - 01/10/2020 20:01

Today, I was excited to go to a Japanese restaurant for my birthday. When the chef started doing tricks however, my spoiled brat of a sister started screaming and crying in terror. My parents insisted we leave and go to McDonald's because she was upset. She's 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 88

By justinmdent - 24/11/2014 03:48 - United States - Excelsior Springs

Today, I helped a very large elderly man, who thanked me and tried to hand me a dollar bill. I kindly told him, "We are not allowed to accept tips from customers." His reply was, "You're going to take this fucking money," and shoved it in my pocket. I'm now being written up for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 616

You deserved it 2 940

Yeet it

By Sasquatch - 02/11/2017 22:14

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 699

You deserved it 1 223

Close shave

By Elisabeth - 16/08/2020 17:01

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 1 402

By adam - 03/02/2010 20:10 - France

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 062

You deserved it 40 553

By Tasha84 - 20/11/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 825

You deserved it 4 493

By Snufflopagus - 01/01/2014 13:26 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 330

You deserved it 10 541

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 22:00

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 2 296

Clumsy

By evilwater - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 070

You deserved it 8 458

By Anonymous - 19/01/2017 08:22

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 838

You deserved it 1 196

By seriouslybored - 17/06/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 419

You deserved it 40 365

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 02:43 - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 984

You deserved it 3 759

By missy - 10/04/2009 08:17 - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 558

You deserved it 9 561

By Choum - 07/11/2008 06:33 - France

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 153

You deserved it 6 006

By Username - 08/07/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 134

You deserved it 3 601

By Broke Mama - 24/12/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 650

You deserved it 7 952

By jesspie - 11/01/2013 02:41 - United Kingdom

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 236

You deserved it 38 177

Run, run away pronto

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 08:01

Today, my fiancé yelled at me after I got off the phone with my friends, because I said I hadn't felt this happy and hadn't laughed this much in a long time. He was also mad that I didn't cook him dinner. He didn't ask me to cook dinner for him. He then told me to go somewhere else if I'm not happy with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 163

By skiergal98 - 18/08/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 131

By yawning - 01/02/2011 20:14 - Australia

Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 874

You deserved it 9 850

QUIET PLEASE

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 05:01

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 189

By Anonymous - 11/02/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 462

You deserved it 7 877

By bad luck skier - 30/12/2013 20:28 - United States - Albany

Today, I went skiing. On the first run of the day, a little girl came out of nowhere and crashed into me. I was fine, but she was hurt, so I called the ski patrol. She told him that I deliberately hit her, and got me kicked out. I was there for 10 minutes. I paid for all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 891

You deserved it 3 483

By baby_trex_arms - 05/05/2015 15:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 301

You deserved it 5 678

By andi0804 - 05/08/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only call I received was from my stalker, who sang happy birthday with a japanese accent and asked if he could be my "special present". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 796

You deserved it 3 572

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 16:10 - United States

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 319

You deserved it 38 318

By Anonymous - 02/02/2013 14:41 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after two weeks of not having sex, my pregnant girlfriend and I finally fooled around. This was immediately followed by her bursting into tears and begging me to make her a ham steak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 089

You deserved it 9 862

By saqmuel093 - 18/01/2015 19:44 - Malaysia - Tatau

Today, I ran out of cash. The nearest ATM to my house is over a half hour away by foot. After walking all the way there under the blistering heat of the sun, I realized I'd left my card back at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 581

You deserved it 23 747

Tits McGee

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 20:01

Today, I was supposed to ask for extra memory allocation for my Linux server, but instead of typing, "Can you increase my memory capacity?", I typed, "Can you increase my mammary capacity?" in a group full of senior engineers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 241

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 10:08 - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 505

You deserved it 2 260

By headache - 23/02/2015 01:41 - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 532

You deserved it 5 195

By Boothater - 03/04/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to show us an example of the type of shoes we would be wearing in the show. She brings in a pair of hideous black combat boots, and I remark how ugly they are. They're her own favorite boots. I had to carpool with her after rehearsal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 517

You deserved it 59 993

By d4rkxf0x - 22/07/2014 15:54 - United States - Lindale

Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 000

You deserved it 4 207

By Sexless4Life - 05/08/2013 18:33 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I realized that it's been well over a month since my boyfriend has even tried to have sex with me. The last time was our first time, and because he couldn't keep it up, he's too humiliated to accept any of my advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 766

You deserved it 6 911

By Anonymous - 11/09/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my father in law drunkenly announced at dinner that he wished my husband had married my best friend. No one stuck up for me. Not even my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 329

You deserved it 3 365

By green2black - 19/05/2010 07:09 - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 905

You deserved it 14 544

By jibjab - 11/01/2009 16:46 - Canada

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 022

You deserved it 9 060

By Anonymous - 12/01/2017 17:09

Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 303

You deserved it 476

By nuberific - 05/03/2009 18:45 - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 234

You deserved it 3 480

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Top comments

lyssa61189 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:15

I think it's time for a new best friend

llllight 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:26

she threw herself 3 separate birthday parties? She sounds like a spoiled bitch. You are better off without her.

lyssa61189 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:15

I think it's time for a new best friend

Zmeilerr 22

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Sunday 12 December 2010 4:17

yup

AriettaX 15

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Monday 22 September 2014 13:56

such a great friend.... I've been stuck in that position once. They're not worth it.

heyhoe_fml 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:17

ouch... find new people that actually act like friends are supposed to.

squirm 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:18

obviously she isnt your best friend and isnt worth it. find new friends.

Chowda 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:22

Maybe you smell bad

synacious 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:23

Yeah, definitely not your best friend at all.

Julle_fml 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:25

Like #3 said. She doesn't sound nice

wutupbruh 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:25

#4. agreed. call 760-1846 for all the possible reasons your friend doesnt like you hahaha

llllight 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:26

she threw herself 3 separate birthday parties? She sounds like a spoiled bitch. You are better off without her.

cryssycakesx3 22

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Tuesday 20 May 2014 0:50

did anyone think that maybe there was one for family, one big one for friends and a small intimate one. not that it makes it better

wajohns09 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:29

Newsflash!! Thats not your friend

jio_freed 0

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Thursday 30 April 2009 21:29

it's obvious from the fact that she threw herself 3 parties over the weekend that your "friends" all belong to the slut crowd; it's a good thing you don't fit in with them