Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

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Instadrama

Body issues

Time don't heal nothing

By Lily - 21/2/2009 11:22 - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

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By herANDi - 3/4/2009 06:10 - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I'm already a clumsy person but became extra clumsy because I was nervous. After knocking over my drink for the fourth time, my boyfriend's mom angrily shouted "Did you actually come drunk for the first time meeting us?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2010 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me in an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML

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By - 19/11/2019 14:00

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By holladaddy - 24/2/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announce over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML

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By thnxbabe - 22/9/2014 02:11

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

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By fmlifetime - 24/10/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

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By too eager - 25/4/2016 15:21 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I had a date with an amazing girl so in the shower I wanted to make sure I was extra clean. With the soaped up shower puff in hand I tried to get as much of my back as I could which led to me pushing too far and dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By winneuse - 5/6/2015 02:30 - France - Allennes-les-marais

Today, for the first time since kindergarten, I won! I came first! Yes, I'm first on the waiting list for the M.A. degree I applied to. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2010 09:10 - Australia

Today, I was on a job trial at the local pet shop and, naturally, was doing all the disgusting jobs. As I was cleaning the kittens' litter in the cat enclosure, someone thought it would be funny to lock me in there. I sat in a giant cage in the middle of the store with people laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML

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By pissedoff - 28/6/2016 11:53 - United States - Benton

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 21:50 - Puerto Rico - Arecibo

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. I accidentally reversed while still in the driveway, and I instinctively hit the brakes. In my panic, I accidentally let go of the brakes, and ended up reversing straight into our house, all while my father yelled "NOOOOOO!" FML

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By nostamp - 10/7/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

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By mylifesucks123 - 3/5/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I was driving to the grocery store with my 7 year-old son. When I was approaching a stop sign, I look next to me and see a guy with a triangle shaped head. I tell my son "Look at the guy with the triangle head." My window was open. So was his. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2015 22:05 - United States - Shelby

Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML

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By Mustang - 5/8/2010 01:13 - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2013 20:39 - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

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By nobar - 4/6/2019 06:00

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I was walking through the store when I saw a little boy point to me and say something to his mom. I was out of earshot at the time, but I got close enough just in time to hear the mom reply, "God says we have to love everyone, even if they're ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 13:02 - Canada - Surrey

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - 24/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By iheartnjdevils - 12/1/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML

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By GrippedMyBalls - 15/7/2009 13:21 - Korea Republic of

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

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By BoobSicle - 17/4/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

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By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

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By Photoshopped - 18/7/2016 04:34 - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

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By Sallyfromtheseashore - 1/7/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

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By Rachael - 30/11/2012 07:29 - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 22:10 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

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By creedonfied - 6/11/2012 20:27 - United States - Billerica

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

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By aliciababy24 - 25/7/2017 21:00 - Australia - Ashburton

A Poopy Proposal

Today, while on a weekend away, my boyfriend and I went for a walk. I now get to tell everyone the story of how my boyfriend got down on one knee into a pile of cow shit while proposing. FML

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By sweet2u22 - 27/2/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

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By Blue - 19/11/2008 11:02 - France

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

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By crap - 2/7/2019 00:01

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

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By roundemup - 11/2/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I was helping some neighbors corral and tag their cattle. Deciding to take a break, I turned my back to all 3 men and jumped down from an old, rusty gate. Luckily, the sharp piece of metal sticking out of it barely missed my skin. Instead it tore off the ass of both my pants and undies. FML

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By sideeffect001 - 2/2/2016 18:48 - United States - Logan

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

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Top comments

By lyssa61189 | 0

#157104 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:15

I think it's time for a new best friend

By llllight | 0

#157188 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:26

she threw herself 3 separate birthday parties? She sounds like a spoiled bitch. You are better off without her.

Comments

By lyssa61189 | 0

#157104 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:15

I think it's time for a new best friend

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#1831439 - Sunday 12 December 2010 4:17

yup

Reply

AriettaX | 15

#6071326 - Monday 22 September 2014 13:56

such a great friend.... I've been stuck in that position once. They're not worth it.

By heyhoe_fml | 0

#157115 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:17

ouch... find new people that actually act like friends are supposed to.

By squirm | 0

#157120 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:18

obviously she isnt your best friend and isnt worth it. find new friends.

By Chowda | 0

#157155 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:22

Maybe you smell bad

By synacious | 0

#157169 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:23

Yeah, definitely not your best friend at all.

By Julle_fml | 0

#157181 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:25

Like #3 said.

She doesn't sound nice

By wutupbruh | 0

#157183 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:25

#4. agreed. call 760-1846 for all the possible reasons your friend doesnt like you hahaha

By llllight | 0

#157188 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:26

she threw herself 3 separate birthday parties? She sounds like a spoiled bitch. You are better off without her.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5950604 - Tuesday 20 May 2014 0:50

did anyone think that maybe there was one for family, one big one for friends and a small intimate one. not that it makes it better

By wajohns09 | 0

#157202 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:29

Newsflash!! Thats not your friend

By jio_freed | 0

#157203 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:29

it's obvious from the fact that she threw herself 3 parties over the weekend that your "friends" all belong to the slut crowd; it's a good thing you don't fit in with them