By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 20:03

Tidy your room

Today, I woke up and stepped on a wet jacket. After smelling what it was, it turns out the cat had peed all over my laundry, especially the waterproof jacket, and after attempting to clean it up, it dripped everywhere and the entire apartment now smells like cat piss. FML

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Instadrama

Triage

Missed opportunities

By toametru1 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

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By WhiteLiar - United States

Today, I was telling a new friend of mine about my boyfriend. I told her his name and where he is from. She interrupted me and says "Yeah drives a big white truck, rides dirt bikes?! I dated him two years ago!" This guy and I have dated for four years. FML

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By asthma_attacker - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By aussie worker

Today, it was my first day at a new job as a waitress for a wedding function centre. As I was opening the door to collect dirty plates from the guests, I bumped into a colleague carrying a tray full of full champagne glasses, all of which fell and smashed on the floor. FML

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By notenoughunderwearintheworld - South Africa - Durban

Today, the great deal on my new apartment has turned into a nightmare. I keep hearing extremely weird sounds almost every night, and when I tried taking pics of the place today, my camera's face recognition feature kept activating, but only in my bedroom. I'm scared shitless. FML

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By dumb tourists - China - Beijing

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rowville

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

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By Pop_Pies - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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By NeverGonnaHappen

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

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By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By CA - Norway

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

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By SexyPlayer9 - United States

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML

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By cantwin - Belgium - Zwevegem

Today, I visited my grandma. Shortly after I arrived, she freaked out after finding a "snake" in her closet. It was a rubber snake that my brother must have put there yesterday as a prank. I picked it up and told her it was fake. She then yelled at me for playing such a disgusting prank on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I found out the real reason my dad bought a new car and generously gave me his old one. He knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it finally did. It blew out while I was driving at high speed on the motorway. Just my luck. FML

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By queen_lol - United States

Today, I was at a party at my boyfriend's house. As I was walking past him, he pulled me onto his lap and started introducing me to a childhood friend. I sneezed and accidently peed on him. I'm 6 months pregnant and can't control my bladder. FML

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By fatnick - United States

Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML

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By mapleleafs34 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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By MikeIsMaster - South Africa

Today, I invited my boss for supper as we get on pretty well. Everything was going well, until my German Shepherd bit him. FML

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By bruh_im18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

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By peacock_mina19 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

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By TLT - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By Suzi_d16

Oh well, maybe next… year?

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

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By njh - Ireland

Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML

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By gooddriver - United States

Today, I was involved in a wreck. How quickly did the police arrive at the scene? Very quickly, considering he was the one who rear-ended me at a red light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brimfield

Today, I got to wash my ex-wife's dishes at her apartment while her new boyfriend played with my daughter in the living room. FML

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By mn167109 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I asked my dad why we didn't have any baby pictures. His response was, "They got lost in the flood of '93." I was born in '95. FML

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By Jay - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

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By amber - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

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By akieferr - United States

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

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By Fire0fisis - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By crazychick - Canada

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

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By disgusteddaughter - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

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Top comments

By Lisa Wonder | 5

#7919764 - Monday 6 July 2020 20:11

add a cup of vinegar to ur laundry for cat smell.. I have 3 cats 😒... i understand 😂

By RichardPencil | 30

#7919769 - Monday 6 July 2020 20:25

The cat was more skeptical than you about the "waterproof" claim your jacket made. It's using science to test the claim!

I'll bet the cat will be pissed off if he's wrong.

COMMENTS

By Lisa Wonder | 5

#7919764 - Monday 6 July 2020 20:11

add a cup of vinegar to ur laundry for cat smell.. I have 3 cats 😒... i understand 😂

By RichardPencil | 30

#7919769 - Monday 6 July 2020 20:25

The cat was more skeptical than you about the "waterproof" claim your jacket made. It's using science to test the claim!

I'll bet the cat will be pissed off if he's wrong.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7919782 - Monday 6 July 2020 21:16

if you woke up and stepped on laundry, that means it was on the floor. why leave laundry on the floor? laundry basket/chair/back in closet. any of those would have prevented this so partial ydi.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7919817 - Tuesday 7 July 2020 0:17

Cats stink anyway.

By Cheryl Brown | 4

#7920071 - Tuesday 7 July 2020 20:06

Yep. And don’t leave plastic bags out either. Cats love peeing on them too.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7921345 - Saturday 11 July 2020 21:33

YDI for leaving clothes on the floor, especially with an animal in the house.