Intimacy: Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After...

By Anonymous - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53509

You deserved it

6115

Favorite

Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Empathy

Are you sure you're OK?

By nayahbear24 - United States - Trenton

Today, after coming home from a two week vacation, my dog was pink, there were beer bottles and used condoms on my bed, and everything was a mess. I asked my sister, who'd been watching over the place, what had happened. She just said "Oops." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42090

You deserved it

3907

Favorite

By likwidsol - United States

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29189

You deserved it

2582

Favorite

By Embarrassed

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1328

You deserved it

5862

Favorite

By Rude awakening - 28/10/2020 14:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Black out

Today, I blacked out while riding my electric scooter. Luckily, I was quickly jolted awake when my chin hit the tarmac. FML

I agree, your life sucks

938

You deserved it

172

Favorite

By Very Divorced - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is cheating on me with not one, not two, but nine girls. How he did it, I don't even know. How I found out? I was coming into my room to surprise him for his birthday and saw him having a threesome. We have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4694

You deserved it

422

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43734

You deserved it

4042

Favorite

By wittlegirl - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48188

You deserved it

3974

Favorite

By all shat out - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33479

You deserved it

4187

Favorite

By Makala - Egypt

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12151

You deserved it

35918

Favorite

By Anonymous

Alarmed

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1524

You deserved it

Favorite

By nkotz - United States

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40950

You deserved it

7276

Favorite

By anon - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12840

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2153

Favorite

By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1589

You deserved it

110

Favorite

By hdgyfjdzdfg - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21986

You deserved it

4888

Favorite

By Stepheroni

Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4390

You deserved it

567

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I had to quit my job. Why? Because I don't have a babysitter anymore. All I did was tell them I didn't want them mocking my baby when he cries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2002

You deserved it

300

Favorite

By InDisbelief - United States - Racine

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50259

You deserved it

15449

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was backing out of the my work's parking lot, I hit my boss's truck. While he was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11795

You deserved it

23512

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, a girl came up to me on a club dance floor and said, “Shut up and dance with me,” like the song lyrics, only I fell over on her while dancing, and she dislocated her ankle. I don’t think this woman is gonna be my destiny after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1645

You deserved it

297

Favorite

By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

I agree, your life sucks

65873

You deserved it

4727

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72180

You deserved it

7315

Favorite

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2440

You deserved it

262

Favorite

By Jen_ - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30404

You deserved it

3007

Favorite

By Farmgirl

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3104

You deserved it

373

Favorite

By moo...

Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying "You know, you chew like a cow." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45394

You deserved it

13162

Favorite

By CrimsonAmaryllis - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39370

You deserved it

4134

Favorite

By MoxyR12 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy that I really liked. Things were going pretty well. I got a call from his number and excitedly answered it. It was his girlfriend asking if he was bothering me because he likes to text random people when he's drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48557

You deserved it

5662

Favorite

By oooooops - United States

Today, I made a speech in front of my entire graduating class and their families, despite my fear of public speaking. It seemed to go well and I got a big round of applause at the end. Then I panicked and instead of waving, I lifted my arm straight out in a Hitler salute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36957

You deserved it

7576

Favorite

By SeeBrendenBurn - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35690

You deserved it

5644

Favorite

By CelibateHero - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48899

You deserved it

3489

Favorite

By bw9669 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34642

You deserved it

5083

Favorite

By Mandy - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34196

You deserved it

2421

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bensenville

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

I agree, your life sucks

44035

You deserved it

3435

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39899

You deserved it

3344

Favorite

By lifesux - United States

Classic playa move

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40330

You deserved it

3812

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7945

You deserved it

794

Favorite

By Meow - Singapore

Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomitting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35662

You deserved it

8122

Favorite

By jumanji

Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33318

You deserved it

2626

Favorite

By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1328

You deserved it

146

Favorite

By Forever Alone

Hashtag ForeverAlone

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1611

You deserved it

262

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By whythankyou | 19

#5865306 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:49

She must have been utterly shocked when you turned around and showed her your tail.

By kjack49044 | 18

#5865302 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:48

Disregard #1. They don't seem to realize she was feeling your ass.

COMMENTS

By kjack49044 | 18

#5865302 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:48

Disregard #1. They don't seem to realize she was feeling your ass.

By Welshite | 39

#5865303 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:48

Her beer goggles extend to anatomy.

timakinz | 21

#5865650 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:53

Witty

By Michael903 | 18

#5865304 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:48

Ah....alcohol. The great fml tool that keeps on giving again and again! Don't worry OP, she'll find it after she sobers up and you'll have a funny story!

By Ytharr_Taaz | 10

#5865305 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:49

That's awkward af lol

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5865319 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:11

Do you know what the word "awkward" means?

andrewturtle | 16

#5865337 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:56

#6 is a cat. Don't have such high expectations.

Ytharr_Taaz | 10

#5865481 - Saturday 22 February 2014 6:31

Meow meow

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5865575 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:30

"awkward" is starting to get used like "literally"

6punkrock9 | 2

#5865599 - Saturday 22 February 2014 11:19

Whoever said you're cute as a kitten, lied to you

zsxwrsd | 7

#5867192 - Monday 24 February 2014 8:08

no its not

By whythankyou | 19

#5865306 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:49

She must have been utterly shocked when you turned around and showed her your tail.

molliciousj | 19

#5866175 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:06

Haha! ^^^ Omg this girl needs a high five!

amason5995 | 4

#5953557 - Friday 23 May 2014 1:35

Crazy clever, kudos girl, kudos.

By worldclassrager | 39

#5865310 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:56

Assist her hand...that may help...or have less drinks...

paigexox0 | 37

#5865558 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:12

Someone pointed out how much you use "..." And now thats all i notice whenever you comment

worldclassrager | 39

#5865905 - Saturday 22 February 2014 20:21

Old habits die hard

molliciousj | 19

#5866177 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:07

Whoa, #51, you forgot something....

worldclassrager | 39

#5875357 - Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:37

Intentional...

By skipper2009 | 18

#5865312 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:57

The ol tuck and stuff! Yeah my husband does the same when I get frisky. He says I'm too rough :(

greekk | 21

#5865349 - Saturday 22 February 2014 3:36

a tuck and stuff would mean she would have felt it on his ass lol, she was feeling his ass while looking for said penis.

molliciousj | 19

#5866178 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:09

Maybe he tucks it in his ass.

By broski4 | 13

#5865314 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:59

Well at least you know she's pure... For now

kumarina | 35

#5865447 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:47

Some people get honest drunk, she gets anatomy wrong drunk, doesn't mean she is a virgin....

By reaxion | 25

#5865316 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:02

At least your girl, drunk off her tits, was doing those things to you instead of a random stranger. She proved her love for you right there. When she sobers up take good care of her and her hangover.

By thomcmoore | 23

#5865317 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:03

You should've asked around for a second opinion.