Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After...

By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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Intimacy

Toxic parents

True hero

Basic Instinct

By "belladonna1025" - 29/12/2018 00:00

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

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By Groom - 30/11/2008 10:51 - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By ruvru - 10/4/2009 17:13 - United States

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2019 02:30

Family coincidence

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

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By ItsFunnyNow - 22/10/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

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By back to cock-hunting - 15/11/2014 19:58 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 23/7/2019 04:05

Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML

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By AvengdSevenfold - 24/8/2009 14:22 - United States

Today, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee and trying to make new friends since I'm new at my college. I was running after an overthrown frisbee for a touchdown. Everyone cheered me on to keep going. I ran full speed into a fence. FML

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By hiccups - 3/11/2012 15:52 - United States - New York

Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

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By secretninja64 - 21/8/2014 03:47 - United States - Saint Francis

Today, I got fired after three days at my new job. They told me it was because of downsizing. They were still interviewing people and had a help wanted sign in the window. FML

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By Ashley - 3/5/2016 04:25 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 09:41 - United States

Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2am. This old man pulls in and asks me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replies, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML

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By spider-sarah - 8/10/2016 09:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By welp - 22/5/2016 20:22 - United States - Roswell

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 17:14 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 13:57 - Canada - Windsor

Unrequited

Today, I ran into my childhood crush. She was the one who made me realize I was bi, and I was enthralled by her. Too bad she was straight. She's only gotten more attractive, and now she's in my program. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 23:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked to me and my brother about how great it was that our cousin was getting away from drugs and becoming sober, as he would have so many more opportunities opened up for him now. She explained all this while sitting on our patio, smoking a blunt. FML

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By cap - 9/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Manhattan

Last trip

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

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By Caroline1812 - 24/4/2015 23:58 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML

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By cherbear1000 - 4/9/2013 21:07 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By lily_marleen - 17/5/2015 21:27 - Germany - Emskirchen

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

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By nobodywasthere - 12/9/2017 01:30

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

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By sigh... - 25/6/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, after several hours of trying to get my triplet daughters to go to bed, they finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I went to the bathroom so I could go to bed. Not thinking about it, I dropped the toilet seat down rather loudly and flushed the toilet. All three girls woke up crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2012 06:32 - United States - Madison

Today, my husband quit his job as a university professor and picked up the graveyard shift at a rat farm so he could have more time during the day to play World of Warcraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

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By SoDamnBroke - 28/9/2016 13:13 - South Africa

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

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By curiousorange - 5/7/2009 15:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

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By really? - 13/4/2013 09:21 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My family put a bouquet of balloons outside my room for me to find when I woke up. I walked out of my room, saw the balloons, screamed, and fell down the stairs. FML

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By MissYouPieceOfSkin - 27/11/2013 08:44 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

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By reallyman__639 - 13/12/2011 12:26 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

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By socksoffire - 17/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 20:30 - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

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By Silent - 18/10/2018 17:30

Today, at the orthodontist, the nurse was checking my teeth. She asked me a question while her finger was in my mouth, and when I stupidly tried to reply, I bit her finger. FML

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By Ethan - 17/10/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

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By pablito - 17/4/2014 10:37 - France - Bron

Today, I'm 25 years old, I've got an education and I only now found out in front of 15 people that, no, sparrows are not small pigeons that are going to grow up. FML

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By JustEwww - 22/10/2009 21:24 - Australia

Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

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Top comments

By MysteriousX_fml | 10

#5865309 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:55

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have a penis on my ass...

By whythankyou | 19

#5865306 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:49

She must have been utterly shocked when you turned around and showed her your tail.

COMMENTS

By FeedMeLaughter | 10

#5865300 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:46

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MysteriousX_fml | 10

#5865309 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:55

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have a penis on my ass...

Catkam623 | 27

#5865315 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:00

Your penis isn't on your ass? Isn't that where everyone's dick is...

Wizardo | 33

#5865327 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:28

#12 Don't let ol' Dick Butt fool you, he's a slimy one he is.

zed34 | 18

#5865352 - Saturday 22 February 2014 3:42

Maybe #1 likes a penis in his ass?!

amason5995 | 4

#5953556 - Friday 23 May 2014 1:33

Yes, it is strange that his penis could not be found on his butt.... dude seriously?

By kjack49044 | 18

#5865302 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:48

Disregard #1. They don't seem to realize she was feeling your ass.

By Welshite | 39

#5865303 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:48

Her beer goggles extend to anatomy.

timakinz | 21

#5865650 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:53

Witty

By Michael903 | 18

#5865304 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:48

Ah....alcohol. The great fml tool that keeps on giving again and again! Don't worry OP, she'll find it after she sobers up and you'll have a funny story!

By Ytharr_Taaz | 10

#5865305 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:49

That's awkward af lol

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5865319 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:11

Do you know what the word "awkward" means?

andrewturtle | 16

#5865337 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:56

#6 is a cat. Don't have such high expectations.

Ytharr_Taaz | 10

#5865481 - Saturday 22 February 2014 6:31

Meow meow

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5865575 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:30

"awkward" is starting to get used like "literally"

6punkrock9 | 2

#5865599 - Saturday 22 February 2014 11:19

Whoever said you're cute as a kitten, lied to you

zsxwrsd | 7

#5867192 - Monday 24 February 2014 8:08

no its not

By whythankyou | 19

#5865306 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:49

She must have been utterly shocked when you turned around and showed her your tail.

molliciousj | 19

#5866175 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:06

Haha! ^^^ Omg this girl needs a high five!

amason5995 | 4

#5953557 - Friday 23 May 2014 1:35

Crazy clever, kudos girl, kudos.

By worldclassrager | 39

#5865310 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:56

Assist her hand...that may help...or have less drinks...

paigexox0 | 37

#5865558 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:12

Someone pointed out how much you use "..." And now thats all i notice whenever you comment

worldclassrager | 39

#5865905 - Saturday 22 February 2014 20:21

Old habits die hard

molliciousj | 19

#5866177 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:07

Whoa, #51, you forgot something....

worldclassrager | 39

#5875357 - Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:37

Intentional...

By skipper2009 | 18

#5865312 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:57

The ol tuck and stuff! Yeah my husband does the same when I get frisky. He says I'm too rough :(

greekk | 21

#5865349 - Saturday 22 February 2014 3:36

a tuck and stuff would mean she would have felt it on his ass lol, she was feeling his ass while looking for said penis.

molliciousj | 19

#5866178 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:09

Maybe he tucks it in his ass.

By broski4 | 13

#5865314 - Saturday 22 February 2014 1:59

Well at least you know she's pure... For now

kumarina | 35

#5865447 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:47

Some people get honest drunk, she gets anatomy wrong drunk, doesn't mean she is a virgin....

By reaxion | 25

#5865316 - Saturday 22 February 2014 2:02

At least your girl, drunk off her tits, was doing those things to you instead of a random stranger. She proved her love for you right there. When she sobers up take good care of her and her hangover.